I think dh should be more sensitive and aware of the fact I have zero family / support network

[Takingitforgranted]

He’s lucky enough to be able to take his family for granted. He has a support network. He has people who call and message for a chat , family who like his FB/IG posts. He then calls me ‘needy’ but I literally have NOBODY.

Today we had an argument and I pointed out to him how he can be really insensitive about the fact I have nobody. That he doesn’t seem to realise how completely lonely I am . Has anyone else been through similar

I think he should be supporting you to make your own support network. Eg. If you want to go and socialise that gets priority. Are you happy living where you live or is it quite isolating?

More information needed. Why do you have nobody? Friends?

Not to drip feed the argument was because of something stupid but he went off to see BIL and I was just at home and felt so lonely. I’m going through a health crisis (BC scare currently on 2 week referral wait) and it made me realise I go through everything alone and I’m fed up of it .

The reason I have no family is because of severe childhood abuse

No family due to abusive childhood. No friends as I have ASD and I work such long hours that I’m too exhausted to do anything else and just have no friends

I just think he could maybe be more considerate sometimes and step up at times like this when he knows I need a bit extra support

Sorry about the Bc scare. I hope it's nothing. And sorry about your family.

I think you should try to make somw friends though. It's always unwise to rely entirely on your partner.

Hmmm it's tough - having no family / friends must be hard for you. But you can't rely on your DH for all of your emotional needs - it's not fair to him or you.

If he's the only person you have then that's a lot for him - especially if you need support when you've both had an argument.

Have you tried making friends? ASD + long work hours don't need to mean no friends!

You can't depend on only one person in the whole world OP. It's not fair on him, or on you.

You need to make some friends. Are there no groups you can join? I have ASD and have met people in more structured quiet environments like yoga, book clubs, meditation retreats. I find it hard to make friends too, but I'm mindful of not putting too much pressure on my DH to be everything to me.

I think the mistake I’ve made was throwing myself into work as that filled a gap somehow ? But now I feel like I need someone and a support network I realise that work doesn’t give me that. I don’t usually lean on dh for support he thinks I’m strong so me asking now has been unusual and so he’s said why am I suddenly needy 😭

You need to find a friendship group . What if your partner left , you would literally have no-one . Not a good place to be .

It sounds tough to have no family on your side. What is your relationship like with DHs family? I know people on MN are constantly complaining about their ILs, but in real life I know lots of people who are close to their ILs and get support from them. Could you consider seeing them as people you can rely on too?

I get on with them ok, I don’t see them as much as dh because I work so much but when I do it’s always fine. I didn’t want to push in on dh family relationships too as I always worried it would be too easy for me to try and replace what I’ve lost with my family and i don’t want to create an unhealthy reliance if that makes any sense. I think I keep my distance ? I do this at work too I’ve been there a long time but I don’t ever get too friendly with anyone I think I’m very guarded and it’s not helped me now that I’m suddenly so so lonely

Hmmm
He sounds like he can't relate
It's very hard at a certain age to have friends...
As family becomes friends
My husband is in a similar position
Can't talk to family due to abuse during childhood
However
He is part of my family. My mum is his mum. My siblings are his siblings. My siblings take care of him more than they do of me as they understand his situation.

I'm guessing he thinks of his family as his own.

It's hard. Start journalling. Funnel your energy into something creative...gym, open university, other courses. Set goals for yourself that don't include him. Solo holidays with groups.

Good luck Hun.

I think it makes perfect sense that you are worried to let anyone in after having suffered an abusive childhood. It must be very scary to consider being hurt again. The difficulty thing is that it's only by being vulnerable and letting people in that we become very close to them. It sounds like DH's family could potentially be a source of comfort but you might need to work up to it.
Have you ever had any therapy to come to terms with your childhood and how it might have affected you?

Can you look for ASD (Asperger's) social groups? They certainly used to exist but I'm out of the loop these days

I agree with other posters saying you cannot put all your emotional needs onto one person like that. I understand your issues because I have similar ones but Ive had to learn to prioritise hobbies and friendships over work because I need input from others.

I think you will have to recognise that you need to make changes for your own wellbeing in that sphere of your life too. It is very important.

I have had friends whom others described as needy - at different stages of my life - and I had to walk away from the friendships because they eventually completely overwhelmed and drained me. They were quite nice people but their inability to make themselves happy and their excessive need for attention meant I could not sustain the friendships in the longer term.

I tried once but due to having c-ptsd I ended up very unwell with what was presumed to be functional neurological disorder

I just gave up therapy and took on more hours at work once better it’s been my only coping strategy

Work is a routine and a concept that I’ve relied on for stability. But work isn’t a person and it can’t help with loneliness it’s a distraction but it’s not what I need

What sort of support do you need?

I get it that’s been me whenever I had a partner . It’s like they don’t get it that you don’t have anyone .

I can totally understand how it could happen but I think you have to be careful you aren’t projecting. Are you maybe coming across as resentful because he has something you don’t? Really what you need is your own support network, then you won’t feel resentful of DH.

I probably am if I’m honest. I suffered with intense jealousy as a child of anyone who had a loving family so that was the majority and then I had no friends as I was bitter from a young age. I didn’t think I was still like that but I think I probably am as when it’s come to it I feel hard done by which then makes me feel like a bad person and I shouldn’t be jealous or resentful

I’m sure they ‘get it’, but realistically, what do you want them to do about it.

I wouldn’t ever think I was responsible for my DH’s social life- quite frankly it’s hard enough for me to maintain my own relationships without being responsible for his too. And i wouldn’t be happy to neglect my own wider network just because he doesn’t have one…

Is there anything practical you can ask DH to do to support you making friends? Eg having the kids or giving you a lift somewhere social? That would definitely be something positive to work on together.

I think accepting that it’s totally normal and understandable to feel that way is probably a start. Of course you felt and still feel like that - you had a freaking tough start.

once you’ve done that maybe you could start taking practical measures to make good friends.