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Original poster

Worried person I’ve been dating has found out I pursued someone else

34 replies

Applescherriespain · 04/12/2024 16:04

I’d been on a few dates with someone but convinced myself I’d been friendzoned because of a drop in communication and no plan to meet up again so I got really upset and stupidly started talking to someone else, got their number and set up a day to meet up with them after talking to them for a few days. Things then picked up again with the person I’d been dating and we went on another date. I have no intention of getting involved with the other person anymore so I said I was open to friendship with them only and they said they were happy with that but I haven’t anything back from them for a few days now. I also haven’t heard anything from the person I’ve been dating for the same amount of days so I’m now having a paranoia attack that they might know each other and have shown my profile picture to each other. Do you think there’s much chance that could have happened? I really like the person I’d been dating and I’m feeling a lot of self loathing for thinking that I’ve messed things up with them.

OP posts:
smallsilvercloud · 04/12/2024 16:16

Did you meet online? I doubt it's because they know each other, it's just they are flaky, you've not done anything wrong, a few dates in, your not committed to them and entitled to date whoever you like, I'd do the same if I hadn't heard much from him, continue dating until you find someone that makes it clear you are the only one for them, neither of them sound like it yet.

Original poster
Applescherriespain · 04/12/2024 16:35

smallsilvercloud · 04/12/2024 16:16

Did you meet online? I doubt it's because they know each other, it's just they are flaky, you've not done anything wrong, a few dates in, your not committed to them and entitled to date whoever you like, I'd do the same if I hadn't heard much from him, continue dating until you find someone that makes it clear you are the only one for them, neither of them sound like it yet.

Thanks for the reply. Yeah on dating apps. We’ve never talked about exclusivity but I guess I just feel like I’ve done something bad because I’m someone who likes to concentrate on one person at a time and am worried that I could have blown my chances by jumping the gun.

OP posts:
NotAScoobyDoo2 · 04/12/2024 16:38

I think you need to relax. Unlikely they know each other and to be honest if the guy you like hasn't nailed husband colours to the mast you can do what you like.

Psychoticbreak · 04/12/2024 16:39

Well you should have communicated it to them if you just wanted to concentrate on them and not go back online again. People are not psychic I am afraid. For what it is worth I am the same can only concentrate on one person at a time and always assume, possibly incorrectly, that person would do the same. Maybe they have shown each other your profile or pic but you wont know unless you ask them otherwise you will have to simply draw a line and learn from the experience.

Original poster
Applescherriespain · 04/12/2024 16:41

NotAScoobyDoo2 · 04/12/2024 16:38

I think you need to relax. Unlikely they know each other and to be honest if the guy you like hasn't nailed husband colours to the mast you can do what you like.

Yeah we haven’t talked about exclusivity but I would be upset if it was the other way around and I found out in all honesty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Applescherriespain · 04/12/2024 16:45

Psychoticbreak · 04/12/2024 16:39

Well you should have communicated it to them if you just wanted to concentrate on them and not go back online again. People are not psychic I am afraid. For what it is worth I am the same can only concentrate on one person at a time and always assume, possibly incorrectly, that person would do the same. Maybe they have shown each other your profile or pic but you wont know unless you ask them otherwise you will have to simply draw a line and learn from the experience.

Yeah I jumped the gun and regret it now because I feel like I’m gonna pay the price. It’s not something I’ll be repeating.

OP posts:
Psychoticbreak · 04/12/2024 16:49

You could just contact the first person and be honest and that at least gives them a chance at saying it is ok or not. Some people are more forgiving or whatever than others :)

spidersnope · 04/12/2024 16:54

Is the first guy the one you were worried someone had heard you venting about on the train ?
I really think you need to let him go anyway
I highly doubt they know each other
Your anxiety seems to be eating you up at the moment and I can be the same , dating seems to make it so much worse too

Original poster
Applescherriespain · 04/12/2024 17:01

spidersnope · 04/12/2024 16:54

Is the first guy the one you were worried someone had heard you venting about on the train ?
I really think you need to let him go anyway
I highly doubt they know each other
Your anxiety seems to be eating you up at the moment and I can be the same , dating seems to make it so much worse too

Yeah it was. My anxiety really is through the roof atm because of other factors in my life as well. Yeah dating makes me really up and down. I feel like my emotions are controlled too much by other people as I get too easily attached.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 04/12/2024 17:13

I have no intention of getting involved with the other person anymore so I said I was open to friendship with them only and they said they were happy with that but I haven’t anything back from them for a few days now.

It’s a dating app not a friendship app so that explains why you possibly haven’t heard anything from the second person.

Original poster
Applescherriespain · 04/12/2024 17:18

Coconutter24 · 04/12/2024 17:13

I have no intention of getting involved with the other person anymore so I said I was open to friendship with them only and they said they were happy with that but I haven’t anything back from them for a few days now.

It’s a dating app not a friendship app so that explains why you possibly haven’t heard anything from the second person.

Yeah it could be that they said that in the moment or out of politeness but have decided against the idea or really had no intention of friendship.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2024 17:20

You know it's OK to date a few people at once right? Technically, up until its official. Or at least until you've agreed to only date eachother.

I went on about 4 dates with two people and then had a first date with a third person earlier this year whilst still considering the first two. Felt I was pushing that a bit but, still fine.

Op you could even still date the second guy if you wanted. For a few dates. Sometimes it's useful, to see if you actually like the first one when compared to another. Options are good in early days. They stop you fixating.

You don't owe anyone loyalty after a few dinners and a movie. So what if he finds out? He's not your boyfriend. You're a free woman.

Psychoticbreak · 04/12/2024 17:20

Well people do not go on dating apps to meet friends surely? I was on one a few months ago and it was to meet and date for a view to something serious. Had I met someone who friendzoned me, or at least been honest that they did not find me attractive I would not have wanted to stay in touch. No reason to realy.

Coconutter24 · 04/12/2024 17:23

Applescherriespain · 04/12/2024 17:18

Yeah it could be that they said that in the moment or out of politeness but have decided against the idea or really had no intention of friendship.

Show quote history

They weren’t looking for friendship so they will more than likely prefer to put their efforts into dating.

Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2024 17:25

As prior posters have said, no reason for the one you friendzoned to get in touch with you again.

Original poster
Applescherriespain · 04/12/2024 17:50

Coconutter24 · 04/12/2024 17:23

They weren’t looking for friendship so they will more than likely prefer to put their efforts into dating.

Show quote history

That makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Applescherriespain · 04/12/2024 17:55

Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2024 17:25

As prior posters have said, no reason for the one you friendzoned to get in touch with you again.

Yeah that could be the explanation for why they haven’t got in touch again and not because they’re friends with the other person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Applescherriespain · 04/12/2024 17:56

Psychoticbreak · 04/12/2024 17:20

Well people do not go on dating apps to meet friends surely? I was on one a few months ago and it was to meet and date for a view to something serious. Had I met someone who friendzoned me, or at least been honest that they did not find me attractive I would not have wanted to stay in touch. No reason to realy.

Me neither. I’ve tried being friends with someone after being rejected and it was just awkward and painful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Applescherriespain · 04/12/2024 18:02

Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2024 17:20

You know it's OK to date a few people at once right? Technically, up until its official. Or at least until you've agreed to only date eachother.

I went on about 4 dates with two people and then had a first date with a third person earlier this year whilst still considering the first two. Felt I was pushing that a bit but, still fine.

Op you could even still date the second guy if you wanted. For a few dates. Sometimes it's useful, to see if you actually like the first one when compared to another. Options are good in early days. They stop you fixating.

You don't owe anyone loyalty after a few dinners and a movie. So what if he finds out? He's not your boyfriend. You're a free woman.

Edited

I know that seems to be the way with online dating but I like to concentrate on one person, I haven’t got the bandwidth for more than that. I just hate the thought that I messed things up with someone I really liked because I know if I had to done to me then I’d be upset.

OP posts:
Psychoticbreak · 04/12/2024 18:18

Have you messaged him to say it to him yet? I think you should. You have nothing to lose.

Original poster
Applescherriespain · 04/12/2024 18:25

Psychoticbreak · 04/12/2024 18:18

Have you messaged him to say it to him yet? I think you should. You have nothing to lose.

To say I asked someone else on a date you mean?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2024 18:26

You've only been on a few dates with this guy though. More than likely he is also dating other people. Probably why there's a space in contact atm.

I dunno op, all sounds a bit intense.

And especially considering you're left in this not knowing sort of state with him (no reference to future dates/nothing pencilled in/feel he's blowing a bit cold). I don't think it's wise to fixate on him.

I'd be worried you might be at a risk of abuse if you are already freaking out about having wronged him in some way just because you spoke to another guy on the Internet. People can easily exploit that if they are so inclined. Have you a history of having abusive partners? Or are you normally prone to anxiety?

Psychoticbreak · 04/12/2024 18:26

To check in with him, ask how things are - put out the feelers if he wants to see you again at all anyway. If he doesnt then it doesnt mattr if you went on ten other dates but if you like him at least ask how he is maybe?

Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2024 18:28

Applescherriespain · 04/12/2024 18:25

To say I asked someone else on a date you mean?

Show quote history

Surely just to ask him out again.
Take the bull by the horns.

Why would you tell him about your private dating life? You haven't done anything wrong and it's none if his buisness if you date other people.

Original poster
Applescherriespain · 04/12/2024 19:42

Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2024 18:26

You've only been on a few dates with this guy though. More than likely he is also dating other people. Probably why there's a space in contact atm.

I dunno op, all sounds a bit intense.

And especially considering you're left in this not knowing sort of state with him (no reference to future dates/nothing pencilled in/feel he's blowing a bit cold). I don't think it's wise to fixate on him.

I'd be worried you might be at a risk of abuse if you are already freaking out about having wronged him in some way just because you spoke to another guy on the Internet. People can easily exploit that if they are so inclined. Have you a history of having abusive partners? Or are you normally prone to anxiety?

Yeah I thought the same about others being involved. I’m pretty emotionally intense by my own admittance. I get really anxious when I like someone. I try not to fixate to protect myself but I’ve always been someone who falls for people easily.
My ex was emotionally abusive and I think that’s left me with an expectancy of behaviour from others. I am also a complete worret and anxious by nature.

OP posts:
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