Worried person I’ve been dating has found out I pursued someone else

[Applescherriespain]

I’d been on a few dates with someone but convinced myself I’d been friendzoned because of a drop in communication and no plan to meet up again so I got really upset and stupidly started talking to someone else, got their number and set up a day to meet up with them after talking to them for a few days. Things then picked up again with the person I’d been dating and we went on another date. I have no intention of getting involved with the other person anymore so I said I was open to friendship with them only and they said they were happy with that but I haven’t anything back from them for a few days now. I also haven’t heard anything from the person I’ve been dating for the same amount of days so I’m now having a paranoia attack that they might know each other and have shown my profile picture to each other. Do you think there’s much chance that could have happened? I really like the person I’d been dating and I’m feeling a lot of self loathing for thinking that I’ve messed things up with them.

No not yet but I was thinking of doing that to test the water.

Okay thank you. I suppose it’s the best way to know where I stand.

Not a problem at all—they’re just being flaky/busy. I doubt two guys would stop talking to a woman they like just because someone else is also interested. If they’re keen, they’ll pursue the relationship.

I’d continue talking to both and see how it goes. If it starts to get serious with either of them (more dates, talking daily), then make a decision. Honesty is key.

In the past, I dated two nice guys (from Tinder) more or less simultaneously—just one or two dates with each. Eventually, I chose to invest in guy 1. I told guy 2 that he was great, but someone else seemed like a better match, and I was going to pursue that. I also asked if he’d mind if I reached out again if things didn’t work out with guy 1, and he was absolutely fine with it.

It turns out things went nowhere with guy 1. I went back to guy 2, and we picked up where we left off, laughed about it, and moved on. As long as you’re honest, many adults would understand. If they don't, it was probably not a good match anyway. Good luck :-)

Do you feel you've healed from the abusive relationship?

Might be worth doing the freedom program and considering some help for your anxieties before venturing into dating for example. To reduce the liklihood of fixating on someone and potentially having your boundaries ran over by an abusive man again.

Intensity is probably more likely to scare him off than anything else tbf.

But it's absolutely to ask men out on dates you know. It's not too forwards. If he's interested, he'll jump at the chance.

It's very unlikely that he either heard you on the train or has been told about you messaging this other person. Are you addressing your anxiety? It seems quite heightened.

He's either flaky or a slow replier. This usually means not that keen on my experience. If it's been a few dates it's not a bad time to assess if you want to continue and become exclusive or leave things. Until exclusivity it's fine to date others.

You're overthinking.

Neither of them are that into you. Keep looking.

I honestly wouldn't worry, you are imagining almost impossible scenarios unless you have an actual reason to believe that they might know each other (I bet you don't). Anxiety loves the possibility of a catastrophe and will go to any lengths to fabricate one but it doesn't reflect the likelihood of it being true in real life.
I don't say to this to upset you but there is every chance that when this person temporarily went quiet they were also 'pursuing' someone else - well not pursuing as such but maybe tying up a loose end with someone they'd been seeing casually before concentrating on you. Maybe there was a date with someone they didn't see a future with but we're just curious to meet. Or maybe they were just busy. Who knows. Online dating can unfortunately make the start of a promising relationship very messy, that's just a fact of life. In reality neither of you had any obligation to the other during that time and whatever either of you did (or didn't do) doesn't need to have any significance for what is happening now. Just take each day as it comes and try to enjoy it. Do not do a confessional!! At the moment your anxiety is the thing that is at biggest risk of ruining things!

You don’t need to do this. Personally I think this is awful advice! Not in any way necessary, I think they’d wonder why you’re telling them that.

The guy you dated isn't that interested and likely is also talking to someone else. The other guy wants to find someone who wants more than friendship. These are the likely explanations for their lack of contact.