Is couples counselling worth it?

[TheLittlestSprout]

We've been trying couples counselling off and on this year and I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it or if the problem really is me, as they all seem to say.

Background, this time last year DH stepped out onto the slippery slope to an emotional affair. The fallout from that included looking closer at 2 friendships which had also given me cause for concern. Turns out they also crossed boundaries. The pain has been immense. We've tried various therapists but I quit when it becomes clear they're looking to blame me.

The first one was so compassionate towards DH because he was clearly so hurt by it all. She was convinced he was in a controlling relationship because he told her that I'd told him he couldn't have any female friends. I explained that DH, being autistic, wants me to give him a black and white rule to follow. I told him that it doesn't exist. Friendships are white, affairs are black, and between the two are all sorts of shades of grey. He has to know himself where the boundaries between the two lie, it's not fair for me to have to police it. If he genuinely can't judge where the boundaries are,then he needs to stay away from female friendships rather than risk further harm to his marriage.

The second therapist thought I was overreacting, that DH clearly finds it easier to talk about his emotions with women. So it's understandable that he would look for a woman to share his worries with. What am I then?

Third one, again I'm overreacting and seeing things that aren't there. It's in my head. This all came to a head because after a hospital appointment he messaged her straight away with the outcome and then rang me. But the one in the middle, his boss had to talk to him about because the office was gossiping about their closeness.

Then the most recent therapist tried to put pressure on me to show physical affection to my DH that I wasn't comfortable with. Apparently we can't heal because I refused to give DH a hug during the session.

Am I kidding myself, is the problem me?

I'm not really sure what's going on. Are you on your fourth therapist? So you're shopping around trying to find a therapist who takes your side only?

Secondly, how on earth is your relationship going to remain monogamous if you have to explain to your husband that he can't get romantically involved with other women?

@TheLittlestSprout my initial reaction to the start of your post was, wtf, the therapist needs to focus on his failure and behaviour. However.... If 4 therapists are saying similar it suggests to me that you are just shopping for an opinion that doesn't mean you have to reflect on yourself.
Your husband probably didn't set out one day thinking, you know what I'm gonna get emotionally close to this women to hurt my wife. Only the most callous would. So the therapy is focussing on why he did that, and your attitude and behaviour will be partly a factor, what is it about you that made him feel he couldn't approach you with this?

Therapy is tough at times, it requires self-reflection. If you aren't able to do that then don't pretend you can fix your marriage. If you can't self-reflect then maybe that tells you something about why he chose to place his emotions elsewhere....

Yeah, we've had 4 therapists. I didn't think I was shopping around for someone who only takes my side. I want someone who's impartial or at least doesn't blame me for the hurt that has been inflicted on me. Are you saying that you agree with the therapists and the problem in my marriage is me?

He knows he can't get romantically involved. He just doesn't really get where the line is, which is why he's imposing the no female rules on himself.

Go to counselling on your own.

I also think the no women rule is bound to fail. Men as a rule aren't good at talking about emotions with each other. Even the best of friends. Most of us just aren't wired that way, and we will need healthy relationships with other women as part of our marriage. Openness and transparent healthy relationships are important. If you make that challenging for him then you will create the situation you have already seen.

I would pick a therapist and see where it goes. You're obviously in a lot of pain and want someone on your side to help express that pain which is understandable, but you both need to reflect on your own behaviour in the relationship.

Maybe you're not ready for couple's counselling. Perhaps have some individual therapy to process your feelings first.

So the therapy is focussing on why he did that, and your attitude and behaviour will be partly a factor, what is it about you that made him feel he couldn't approach you with this?

I've asked him this and he can't answer, he says he doesn't know.

OP it’s easy to suggest that if they all say the same thing then they must be right. I feel for you. I’ve had many counsellors and therapists over the years. One, my current one, is fine; thoughtful and thought provoking. Another was ok a first but dragged things out for too long. The others didn’t help and one actively harmed

I never made it difficult for him until this time last year when he suddenly starting lying to my face about his contact with a women I'd never had an issue with before. They the true nature of his contact with the other 2 came out.

Sounds like you need to find a therapist with experience of working with autistic people, national autistic society may be able to help?

He does know, he just doesn't feel comfortable expressing it with you, probably for fear of hurting/offending you. Even in counselling until he feels there is a safe space for him to be open and honest, where his words aren't going to inflict more pain on you he will be guarded in his response.

Obviously without knowing all the details it’s impossible to judge, but I do think at the point at which you’ve tried four separate therapists and are unhappy with all of them, it might be helpful to reflect on whether you are ready for couples counselling at the moment. It will require some uncomfortable self reflection and what could be perceived as criticism of you and it doesn’t sound like that’s something you’re open to.

I think if all 4 therapists are saying the same thing, you might need to reflect on your own behaviour a little more.

Sadly, many therapists carry their own or social prejudices into their practice. Some can be very patriarchal.

No female friends as a blanket rule cannot possibly work. If he's autistic he'll need something far less vague than that. Define friendship for example. Does that mean he can't chat to female colleagues?

I am open to criticism of me. I'm doing it myself. Tying myself up in knots trying to work out what I've done wrong.

The point I'm at now is that I'm his 'settled' option. That he's happy enough most of the time but deep down inside he wants something else. Something better. When he's really in need of support he looks for someone he's sees as equal. He denies this but I think he's denying to himself.

He's a scientist. All 3 women are slightly younger, tall and slim, attractive women with phd's in the same field. I'm short, fat, left school after GCSEs and work in a shoe shop. The messages between him and the first woman include ones sneering at my lack of understanding and how they think the same way, and her jokingly diagnosing me with a made up mental health problem.

I think if all 4 therapists are saying the same thing, you might need to reflect on your own behaviour a little more.

I think they're saying the same thing in that they think I'm the problem. But the reasons are different. 1. I'm controlling, which I am most definitely not. 2. He finds it easier to speak to these women than me. 3. Nothing to see here. 4. Show some physical affection and everything will be fine.

@TheLittlestSprout why are you presuming to know his mind? You are projecting your own insecurities here to position a narrative that suits your pain. Don't see it as something you have done wrong. We are who we are as people, the first thing we have to do is accept that. Then understand and be aware of how we are affects those around us. Then if we feel we need to for whatever reason change, understand how to. It takes time to pull this all together.

This sounds dreadful OP, no wonder you're in pain. I would knock the couple's therapy on the head for the time being.

However the sneering messages are completely unacceptable and he should have defended you pulled up on that behaviour.

How far over the line did he go?

I think you need to go to your own therapy.
You need a safe space to talk about you.
Couples counselling is tough, it’s not for everyone, and I think sometimes one of the parties involved do present themselves as someone in more need of sympathy. I’m not saying you don’t have work to do, but it’s clear you are very angry at how you have been treated and I don’t blame you.
The message between your colleague and DH about your understanding was absolutely diabolical.
I can understand why that has made you so
upset.
And finally - do you think there is anything that is worth saving here? Whatever his other issues are, he has been lying to you.
You deserve better.

This is hard to say, the absolute worst betrayal. In conversation with the first woman he told her about my DD (his stepDD) being diagnosed with autism and described the difficulties she'd had. This woman said that she sounded like an ordinary teenager with a shit mother looking for an excuse for her shit parenting. He replied that he agreed with her and I wanted a label as a fashion accessory.

It's killing me putting that in writing. That's the bit that has completely broken me. When I read that I wanted to end my life. Thankfully my GP got me seen by the emergency mental health team.

I think at the point 4 therapists are saying similar things, it’s time to accept and look closely at why that is yourself, maybe in individual counselling. But I also think 4 different therapists in the space of a year makes it seem as though you are looking for one who agrees with you, they are all impartial, they work off of the information given to them, it just maybe isn’t what you want to hear. If you’d stick with one longer term then you’re able to get that time with them to unpick and get to the bottom of things.

The thing is though if you’re going into counselling with this mindset that he doesn’t actually want to be with you and wants someone “better” than you’re never going to get anywhere with counselling because actually you’re almost just waiting for him to say something that confirms the way you think rather than actually trying to move forward.

It’s hard to know really how much has gone wrong or what lines have actually been crossed based on what you’ve said here, but I do think a no female friends rule is a pointless one, support can and does come from different people for different things e.g. texting a friend after an appointment and then calling you I don’t see the issue with yet you say it “came to a head” with this?

Day to day my husband is the most loving, caring, generous, devoted husband who would do anything for me. That's what the therapists see. But when he sits at his computer, with his headphones in, he disappears into another world where his family doesn't exist.

Given this, your issues go far beyond whether he is or isn’t having an emotional affair and I don’t know why you’re in couples therapy.

There’s nothing to discuss or understand about that and for me personally any comments about my parenting or my children would be so far over the line that the relationship would simply be immediately over.

OP, I'm saying this gently here, your mental health is suffering because of this man. He's making you depressed and insecure. I really don't think you should sacrifice your mental health and your happiness for this relationship. I think it might be time for you to leave and put yourself first