Is couples counselling worth it?

[TheLittlestSprout]

We've been trying couples counselling off and on this year and I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it or if the problem really is me, as they all seem to say.

Background, this time last year DH stepped out onto the slippery slope to an emotional affair. The fallout from that included looking closer at 2 friendships which had also given me cause for concern. Turns out they also crossed boundaries. The pain has been immense. We've tried various therapists but I quit when it becomes clear they're looking to blame me.

The first one was so compassionate towards DH because he was clearly so hurt by it all. She was convinced he was in a controlling relationship because he told her that I'd told him he couldn't have any female friends. I explained that DH, being autistic, wants me to give him a black and white rule to follow. I told him that it doesn't exist. Friendships are white, affairs are black, and between the two are all sorts of shades of grey. He has to know himself where the boundaries between the two lie, it's not fair for me to have to police it. If he genuinely can't judge where the boundaries are,then he needs to stay away from female friendships rather than risk further harm to his marriage.

The second therapist thought I was overreacting, that DH clearly finds it easier to talk about his emotions with women. So it's understandable that he would look for a woman to share his worries with. What am I then?

Third one, again I'm overreacting and seeing things that aren't there. It's in my head. This all came to a head because after a hospital appointment he messaged her straight away with the outcome and then rang me. But the one in the middle, his boss had to talk to him about because the office was gossiping about their closeness.

Then the most recent therapist tried to put pressure on me to show physical affection to my DH that I wasn't comfortable with. Apparently we can't heal because I refused to give DH a hug during the session.

Am I kidding myself, is the problem me?

Another one for individual therapy here.
I do have experience of couples' counselling and with that in mind I would definitely recommend doing individual therapy first.

I can absolutely see why you feel the way you do.
Individual therapy will help you explore your own feelings and clarify your own position in your marriage. Only then you should move onto couples' counselling which would hopefully be more productive. Your husband should also do his individual therapy in parallel to yours.

I think a frequent problem with couples counselling is that both parties to the marriage somehow expect the therapist to pronounce on who is More Right. And they're not ever going to do that. They're there to facilitate the relationship between the two of you, and repair it if possible. That is, implicitly, what you've told the therapist your goal is.

I can hear that you want the therapist to help your H understand that he's deeply hurt you. But they will also be working to help you understand how your H feels about issues. It inevitably goes both ways. And ultimately, if you aren't ready to pay attention to how he feels and you don't know if you can or want to get over this, couples counselling is probably not the place for you at the moment. The counsellor isn't in a position to judge who is the rightest or has suffered most, and they won't try.

I agree. He literally sided with this other woman and agreed that she wasn't a good parent. I'd be out the door straight away. Sorry op, but don't let other people convince you that you're the problem when you're not

You need a therapist that knows about autism.

Fwiw I’ve seen many counsellors over time and found it extremely hard to find one that was worth it.
And yes I saw 4 of them before stumbling on the 5 one by chance. She is great. The others? Seriously crap. Starting with being unable to be judgemental.

Those messages are unacceptable, whatever else is going on. Has he accepted responsibility for engaging in this?

I agree with those who say ditch the couples therapy and seek individual therapy for yourself. I think you'll find it very beneficial to sort out your emotions, reflect on what allowances you should make for his autism (probably not as much as you think), and whether you are happy to live a relationship with the boundaries you are likely to be able to agree on.

The thing is though if you’re going into counselling with this mindset that he doesn’t actually want to be with you and wants someone “better” than you’re never going to get anywhere with counselling because actually you’re almost just waiting for him to say something that confirms the way you think rather than actually trying to move forward.

I can see some truth to this. I think I'm in self destruct mode and don't know how to get out of it.

It’s hard to know really how much has gone wrong or what lines have actually been crossed based on what you’ve said here, but I do think a no female friends rule is a pointless one, support can and does come from different people for different things e.g. texting a friend after an appointment and then calling you I don’t see the issue with yet you say it “came to a head” with this?

The no female rule is his rule for himself. I've never asked for it.

It came to a head because he was spending all his time chatting to her online in the evening and was lying to me about it. He kept telling me that he was replying to emails from a colleague. He was away at a meeting for a few nights and when he got back he was snapping at DS for trying to get his attention. He wanted to chat to this women, not interact with me or his son.

So I finally confronted him about it. He knew it shouldn't have been happening, that feelings were growing and he had to knock it on the head. He promised me that he wouldn't communicate with her anymore. The following day he had his appointment and got his autism diagnosis. He told me, later on he told DD, then his boss, then his mum. It was a big deal to him and he told me everyone he told as he told them. Except a week later I was using his phone and saw the messages, but he hadn't mentioned telling her. He admits, he knew he shouldn't have, but he'd promised her and at that time keeping his promise to her felt more important than keeping his promise to me. He says he regrets that choice now.

He is autistic but thinks that your dd has this label as a fashion accessory?!?

Hmm….

P,ease find a counsellor is a TRULY knowledgeable about ND. Maybe they are ND themselves or they have a partner on the spectrum. Not just someone who has done a 2 days course (they all have and it’s not enough).
Then have counselling FOR YOURSELF. First and foremost.

Because if your DH is with you because ‘you’re the one he has settled in’ aka who washes his pants and cooks his meals but he can’t find anything else to relate to (aka no complex conversations, not someone he’ll go to when there is a problem etc..l) you’re living a lie.
And no amount of couple counselling will help with that tbh.

Why did your DH pursue an autism diagnosis in the first place?

The more I read, the less relevant I think the autism diagnosis is and the more I think he is highly manipulative to be honest.

And I say that as someone who has several male friends.

How do you know he's told all these people about this self-imposed rule? Has he just told YOU that this is what he's done?

Four therapists can be wrong and can be taken in by a manipulative individual. Have you shown any actual evidence in therapy of your partner's disgusting comments about you in his inappropriate alliances/flirtations with other women? You shouldn't have to do this, by the way, but did you? I think your partner is gaslighting you and I echo the comments to find safe individual therapy for you.

Those messages are unacceptable, whatever else is going on. Has he accepted responsibility for engaging in this?

Yes. He's deeply ashamed and doesn't know what he was thinking. He's accepted responsibility for all of it and doesn't disagree with me at att. He'll do anything to put things right.

Maybe the problem is that I'm expecting something from couples counselling that doesn't exist. I'm wanting someone to wave a magic wand and take all my hurt away. Because in the middle of all of this I've had a terrible accident, had life changing surgery, looking at years of rehab and will never be fully able again. Right now, life feels like absolute shit and i want it to stop.

I am still being seen by the crisis psychologist, it stopped for the months I was immobilised, and she's trying to get advice from the autism team at the hospital (not uk) on how best to help me because of my autism. She can see my eating disorder starting up again and everything spiralling.

Oh hang on a moment - he had one appointment and got an autism diagnosis there and then, at the time? And highly conveniently it was bang in the middle of a situation where he needed to explain his vile behaviour. Hmm. This smells extremely fishy to me. Did you see any proof of his assessment and diagnosis with a psychologist or psychiatrist? Or is this just more of his bullshit?

I always thought he was autistic. Then my DD was diagnosed years ago. Shortly after so was I. I encouraged him to seek diagnosis but he was scared of it. Then we had DS and he was diagnosed quickly (fast tracked because of me and DD). The DH really started struggling at work with the social aspect and was worried about losing his job. So I encouraged him to seek diagnosis and this time he did.

Cannot see how he could possibly have been "fast tracked for diagnosis" because of you and your DD who is unrelated to him.

Oh hang on a moment - he had one appointment and got an autism diagnosis there and then, at the time? And highly conveniently it was bang in the middle of a situation where he needed to explain his vile behaviour. Hmm. This smells extremely fishy to me. Did you see any proof of his assessment and diagnosis with a psychologist or psychiatrist? Or is this just more of his bullshit?

No, sorry I didn't explain well. The assessment process was multiple appointments over the course of 2 months. He found it very stressful and that's why he needed a woman to talk to. The appointment that I first mentioned was the final one where he got the results and diagnosis.

@TheLittlestSprout did you see any evidence of this process? Appointment letters? A detailed assessment? Formal confirmation of a diagnosis?

My DS was fast tracked not DH. He's directly blood related to me and his sister. Where I live 2 diagnosis in you immediate family means you get fast tracked.

Wow! He'd be out in the gutter. What a cunt!

Yes I did. I attended some of them with him and they also spoke to me alone.

I don't think you should be attending therapy with this man. He's cheating (at the very least emotionally) on and gaslighting you. I'd take the "just friends" line with a massive pinch of salt too. They only admit to to what they absolutely have to. The working away and then being nasty when he came home is telling.

Id never forgive those comments about my dd and the fact he actively engaged in bitching about you with another woman. He agreed you're a shit mother and more than that - someone who would chase a medical diagnosis for her child "for attention" - that's despicable. He doesn't respect you and he doesn't have your back. I think you are being far too nice to him and making excuses for him.

I don't understand what some other posters are seeing here. I see a woman being driven to distraction by her lying, disloyal husband who seems to prefer getting his ego rubbed by other women rather than by his partner. You should never attend therapy with an abuser and this man seems very good at acting all nice as pie in front of others but being shit to you and your dc's behind closed doors. He's making you doubt yourself and your boundaries but most women wouldn't be happy with this level of friendship with other women - myself included.

Screams covert narc to me actually.

@TheLittlestSprout i just wanted to send you some kindness and support because it sounds like you get very little at home. Being ND does not mean that’s he’s not an unkind prick and you deserve better imo.

You mention you are also autistic? So you wil lalso see things as black/white?

The problem with this post is that we are hearing one side of the story - there is obviously something on both sides (for whatever reason) if 3 therapists are seeing it.

Firstly, I am really really sorry you are going through this experience. I can highly recommend getting individual counselling - it sounds like you could do with some individual support.

If you are still up for exploring couples counselling - perhaps consider specialist affair recovery therapy? The trauma caused by betrayal and the resulting impact is very specific and needs careful and specialist support.

Wishing you all the best of luck in whatever you decide to do but whatever that is remember that cheating is a choice - regardless of the home relationship.

Please get individual counselling and seriously consider leaving this man. While he may have his issues that does not explain the appalling things he said about you and DD, and that is just one conversation with one woman.

That alone would have been it for me;I wouldn't have anyone trashing my child like that let alone myself.

I don't think you need a therapist,you need a good solicitor who deals with divorces.