I left my partner - how can I not be manipulated into going back?

[Waterlily31]

To cut a long story short I left my partner of 2 years a few days ago after months of being miserable.

I made a post on here about how things were and that I had hit my limit, I ended up deleting my account as I was worried he may see it, but I had so much encouragement to leave and everyone was so incredibly helpful in the replies, and even the blunt replies gave me the kick up the bum I needed. I don’t have friends to talk to in real life so this really helped. So thank you all.

He has lots of problems, addiction, his mood was very up and down, he didn’t help out around the house and he spoke to me poorly, I knew he would not react well to me leaving. I have tried to leave many times before and I know he thought I would always go back so he never took me seriously. However this time I was very firm.

The conversation was back and forth with ‘if you really want to leave you need to do it now and be honest because I’m not doing this’

’I want to work things out but clearly you don’t’

‘If that’s what you want bag my stuff up and I’ll come get it and leave you alone forever and you won’t have to see me again’

He said ‘I can’t tell if you’re serious it’s not fair to leave me confused not knowing what’s going on’ (even though I was very clear)

So I replied and said I’m sure, I’m not doing this anymore.

As expected, he blew up.

‘I am absolutely seething with anger at you right now, I absolutely resent your guts for doing this to me, I hate you’

Bear in mind I have paid for everything for this man, been used by him for money, been spoke to like 💩, begged him to change and help me around the house, had boundaries overstepped, pressured into s*x when he wouldn’t take no for an answer and emotionally destroyed, but he knows my intention is never to hurt anyone and so he immediately turned on me to try make me feel bad.

I was strong and didn’t pander to it, and now he’s turned on the ‘I love you so much I don’t want to lose you, I’ll leave the house but please can we try make this work, things will be different, I hate myself, I’ll not do this to you anymore.’

He keeps trying to text me telling me ‘if I don’t come back to your house I’m going to have to make myself homeless I’m so depressed and miserable’

And it is starting to get to me. He can be EXTREMELY manipulative. I feel strong enough to stick to my guns this time, but does anyone have any advice for making this easier?

Im struggling to deal with work and my normal life and his guilt tripping is working, even though I know I have made the right decision.

Block him on all channels. Tell him if he contacts you again you will call the police. If he does, call the police.

Just block him so you can't see the messages.

Yes, block him. If there’s a genuine reason for him to contact you, he can go through a parent, friend, or a particular email you could set up for the purpose. Otherwise there is no need for further contact between you and if he persists it’s harassment so you could go to the police.

Just remember that he is using a script, manipulation techniques, he means none of it and if you gave in, he would punish you in some way and also go back to the relationship norms.

Why have you not blocked him so he can’t contact you? He’ll continue to try and emotionally blackmail you so you need to close the communication channels.

I don’t know, part of me feels guilty as he’s just had a bereavement close to him and so is struggling with that so I suppose I feel awful.

I honestly don’t know why I still care after everything he has done to me, but I think you are right and it’s okay for me to be ‘unkind’ in his eyes for my own sake

Definately block him if you can. Many would be very surprised at the lengths some of them will go to, to worm their way back in. Sounds like you have a classic example there. Look up trauma bonding by dr Ramani, she did an excellent youtube video a couple of days ago that really helps to explain their tactics and why/how they work. You have been so strong to get to this stage, do not look backwards. And keep talking in here.

Again, this is a classic case of the things they will use to get their way. Don't be surprised if he gets terribly ill, or even suggests that he might harm himself in some way. It is sick. The victim mentality will win many over, but just know it is just manipulation tactics for his own needs. You are not responsible for him, his health or his happiness. You are responsible for your health and happiness. Be strong!

You have to put your wellbeing first. Problem is as women we always want to be kind and that’s often to our detriment.
Manipulative men like this one know how to play emotional blackmail games to wear you down.

Going no contact is the best way not to let him back in.

Yes, block him. His reaction is no longer your responsibility. He is simply trying different things to see what might get to you, and if you show any sign that a particular angle is going to get to you, then he will keep pushing with that one. His goal is 100% selfish - to get you to do what HE wants, with zero regard for your feelings or needs. Remember that selfishness is driving him and you don't deserve this.

You can do this. Stay focussed on the future you want for yourself. All the women who have managed to leave manipulative men are with you.

Choose YOU.

Stop choosing a LOOSER who is using you.

Block him.

Write a list of why you dumped him. Then refer to the list if you even consider contacting him/ replying to him.
Block him. It can't be you that is responsible for his welfare as what is good for his welfare is bad for yours.

Buy a copy of Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That, and read it. Especially read the chapter about how to tell if an abuser is really changing. If you don't have the money to buy it, you can find it free online but the bought version is much easier to read due to the formatting.

Write a list of all his bad points and keep looking at it. Write a thread for support or write your list here if you want to.

Consider signing up for the online Freedom Programme.

Look and see if there is an emotional abuse/verbal abuse/relationship with a narcissist support thread on here (or start one!) - it's UNCANNY to see other people posting about the exact same things you went through. Search up some old ones.

If you have anyone who would do it, feed any communication from him through a third party. They need to be a sufficiently hard-hearted person they wouldn't crack and pass something on to you.

If he somehow gets a suicide threat through to you, refer it on to the police.

Keep telling yourself that his life problems are not your responsibility. He can present to the council if he is homeless. It is not your fault or problem if he does not have anywhere else to go. Truly. Remember that you are NOT "doing this to him", he is doing this TO HIMSELF because of his mistreatment of you. It is not unfair for him to face the consequences of his actions.

The three Cs of addiction - you did not Cause this, you cannot Control this, you cannot Cure him.

Read everything ever written by Natalie Lue on Baggage Reclaim. She has a podcast as well - I haven't listened to it but if it's as on fire as her blog posts were 12 years ago - she's amazing.

Look up if you have any domestic abuse charities/organisations near you who offer free counselling. Get onto their waiting list. Go to the counselling even if you go back to him. They won't judge you or be angry with you.

Surely there’s a ready made list right here in the description of what he said?

OP if yiu read what you wrote and keep reading it, in what crazy universe would you thendecide to return to this relationship?

Block him. He's not your problem any more. He's an adult, he can look after himself.

I had the homeless excuse. But by that point I was past caring. He's lodging at a friend's house now.

Just block him on everything he's a waste of your time, energy and mental health.

He can't manipulate you if you don't have any contact. Block him. Remember, he only wants you back because you are useful to him. You are worth more than that. Be free, live your own life for yourself, not for him.

You need to block him, now, and don't communicate with him at all - it's the only way.

Youve said yourself the manipulation is starting to work. So what if someone close to him has died - it makes no difference to the fact you don't want to be with him anymore. He's just going to ramp up the "poor me" rhetoric if you continue listening to him.

You need to think of yourself and close everything else off so you can move on.

Block him
Change the locks

He's had every chance to step up

Do you struggle with the thought of anyone thinking badly of you? That's no way to live - you will spend your whole life ignoring your own instincts and needs in an attempt to never ever have someone else feel unhappy or uncomfortable or think you're less than lovely. You have to let go of the belief that you're responsible for how someone else feels - you're not, that's their responsibility as an adult. If he thinks you're unkind or if he hates you or is inconvenienced that's his business - not yours.

Message him one more time and say, ‘Bob, the relationship is over and I do not want you to contact me further’, and then block everywhere. That way, if he doesn’t stop you can go to the police and complain about harassment.

Think of it like this, think for your self and just don't, no one can force you to think or act a certain way that is up to you alone, it is a choice

Block him. You’re not being mean , you’re protecting yourself, has he moved out? Is it your house?

I can assure you he won't change, he will guilt trip you like it's your responsibility to put a roof over his head. Remember he is a grown man he can look after himself. You are not responsible for him, take your life back, if you take him back he'll be back to his old ways within a matter of weeks. He knows you are a kind person and he's using that to manipulate you. I promise you he WON'T change. Block him and start to distract yourself with things that need doing. Once the first phase is over you'll start to feel more empowered about your decision.

My advice is find your anger! Absolute rage at the poor treatment you have received. Fuck gender stereotypes that tell you to be nice and smiley. Get cross and be successful.

Definitely change the locks!