I left my partner - how can I not be manipulated into going back?

[Waterlily31]

To cut a long story short I left my partner of 2 years a few days ago after months of being miserable.

I made a post on here about how things were and that I had hit my limit, I ended up deleting my account as I was worried he may see it, but I had so much encouragement to leave and everyone was so incredibly helpful in the replies, and even the blunt replies gave me the kick up the bum I needed. I don’t have friends to talk to in real life so this really helped. So thank you all.

He has lots of problems, addiction, his mood was very up and down, he didn’t help out around the house and he spoke to me poorly, I knew he would not react well to me leaving. I have tried to leave many times before and I know he thought I would always go back so he never took me seriously. However this time I was very firm.

The conversation was back and forth with ‘if you really want to leave you need to do it now and be honest because I’m not doing this’

’I want to work things out but clearly you don’t’

‘If that’s what you want bag my stuff up and I’ll come get it and leave you alone forever and you won’t have to see me again’

He said ‘I can’t tell if you’re serious it’s not fair to leave me confused not knowing what’s going on’ (even though I was very clear)

So I replied and said I’m sure, I’m not doing this anymore.

As expected, he blew up.

‘I am absolutely seething with anger at you right now, I absolutely resent your guts for doing this to me, I hate you’

Bear in mind I have paid for everything for this man, been used by him for money, been spoke to like 💩, begged him to change and help me around the house, had boundaries overstepped, pressured into s*x when he wouldn’t take no for an answer and emotionally destroyed, but he knows my intention is never to hurt anyone and so he immediately turned on me to try make me feel bad.

I was strong and didn’t pander to it, and now he’s turned on the ‘I love you so much I don’t want to lose you, I’ll leave the house but please can we try make this work, things will be different, I hate myself, I’ll not do this to you anymore.’

He keeps trying to text me telling me ‘if I don’t come back to your house I’m going to have to make myself homeless I’m so depressed and miserable’

And it is starting to get to me. He can be EXTREMELY manipulative. I feel strong enough to stick to my guns this time, but does anyone have any advice for making this easier?

Im struggling to deal with work and my normal life and his guilt tripping is working, even though I know I have made the right decision.

You need to block him. If you don’t he will manipulate you into having him back. Why do that to yourself? He will not change. This is your chance to start a new life for yourself away from this loser.

Write a list of his bad points and refer to that when you are tempted to contact him.
Get a video doorbell
Block him everywhere
Do the Freedom Programme, you can do it online now.

I can see why his bereavement is making you feel bad but please don’t let it. A manipulative person will always find a reason that you should not end a relationship at that particular time. When he gets over his grief there will be something else.

When relationships end so does any emotional support - not the he deserves any from you. He’d have been just as unhappy about the bereavement if he’d never met you, so he needs to be an adult and process his grief without you.

Just wish him well, tell him there’s not going to be anymore contact between you and block him.

I'm a baggage reclaimer; I'm sure that site and Lundy Bancroft were the wake-up call that eventually led to me escaping abusive exh 10 years ago. Fantastic resources.

"pressured into s*x when he wouldn’t take no for an answer"

No, there are no circumstances under which you should return to your rapist.

It isn’t unkind to not want to be in a relationship with a manipulative, emotionally abusive twat. It’s a healthy boundary and pretty much minimum in self-care. You deserve to not have to deal with all that in your life.
What he does next is entirely his choice, but you don’t have to play along in the role he chose for you any more.

Such good advice already, so I won't repeat, but practically I'd save that list of reasons somewhere you have easy access to. I WhatsApp stuff too myself that I need as a reminder or to have easy access to. If you feel yourself wavering at all, read back that horribly extensive list. The man raped you, he isn't safe to be anywhere near.
I'm so sorry for everything you went through with him and wish you all the best for a much happier and brighter future away from him. It's what you deserve.

This. No bereavement, weeping, begging, crying bullshit should make you hand yourself back to a rapist.

And it is starting to get to me. He can be EXTREMELY manipulative. I feel strong enough to stick to my guns this time, but does anyone have any advice for making this easier?

It's not easy. It is worth it.

Not your problem anymore. Block him and go celebrate you're freedom

Notice how his words and actions never make you feel good. Never make you feel better. Never make you feel loved and wanted and supported and cherished and secure. Just guilty.

I do find that people who have been treated like shit by someone find it hard to let go as they’re waiting for that moment when the selfish partner will suddenly realise how unfair and awful they’ve been. A vindication. But he will never appreciate you or realise why you left him. He doesn’t care about you. Once he finds another sucker he will be slagging you off. Why give him head space?

He took money from you, what a low down bastard. All that money he saved by not paying his way can't he get a hotel room. Stay at a friend's.

Block him completely. Zero contact. No texts, emails, letters, card. Absolutely no face to face contact. If you ever feel guilty, Remind yourself he's a grown man who can look after himself. If you feel you miss him, Remind yourself of all the times he made you miserable.

If his voice comes into your head, tell it to shut up.

Do the things you enjoyed before you ever met him.