How to survive with ADHD husband

[tinseltitss]

My husband is waiting for an official diagnosis but he very much has ADHD and uses it as a reason for his behaviour at times. He had an autism assessment and was told that he wasn't autistic but is most certainly ADHD and some psychology friends have also said he has classic ADHD. He has an ADHD assessment booked for after Christmas.

I'm just wondering if anyone can point me in the direction of a good book or support source to help me understand him/ADHD better? I know I dont see things the way he does and the more we talk the more we argue about it, he sees a lot of things negatively when they are certainly not.

If he thinks someone is being negative or has the wrong idea he will defend himself until it looks like he is guilty, he rants a lot and shouts at other motorists when they have done something that he literally just did but when I point this out it gets ignored or he'll argue about it. I'm exhausted with it all and I'm praying the assessment helps him get a diagnosis and help for him.

Please no negative comments about me needing to talk to him or anything, I've tried all of that and I know its not something that can change overnight, I just want to work with him and help the cause of the issues.

How To ADHD is quite a good YouTube channel which gives info about ADHD. https://www.youtube.com/@HowtoADHD

ADDitude Magazine is another good resource. https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/

Don't be put off by the format of these, that they're not books, they're done like this so those of us with ADHD can digest the info. I can't comment on the shouting at motorists etc because I also have bipolar disorder so it's hard for me to know where one diagnosis ends and the other begins.

@MiraculousLadybug these are so helpful, thank you :)

I think its his strong sense of whats right and whats wrong and if he sees someone doing something they shouldnt he gets angry and upset about it.

Have a ND and being an arse hole aren't mutually exclusive.

Hi,

I have ADHD myself, I was late diagnosed last year at 31.

As much as ADHD can cause issues with anger, and impulsiveness, and everything else you mentioned, the main thing is he needs to recognise the behaviours and make proactive attempts to change them if he is aware it is a problem, and understand how this can impact himself and others.

Having a diagnosis was massively validating for me, but I still needed to put in work on myself in order to not take things out on people and have healthier coping strategies.

I have found for myself the best thing I’ve done is to research ADHD in depth and try understand more in depth why I am the way I am. I am also medicated now which has helped a lot, recognising when I am overstimulated and overwhelmed is also a big thing for me as I find I’m more aware and able to try give myself some time to calm myself down.

I have adhd. It isn't an excuse for behaving like an arse.

Can you tell us a bit more about the things that you're struggling with? Is it mainly that he loses his temper easily? He needs to get a handle on that - adhd undoubtedly makes it harder for people to regulate their emotional responses but it isn't a get out of jail free card!

I just wanted to add that fundamentally, with medication he can be different. I just couldn't tell you whether it's my bipolar medication or ADHD medication that makes the difference to specific symptoms. But you can't just "try harder" or "be a nice person" and magically stop having symptoms of a medical problem, regardless of how society believes things work. Therapy and medication are so important, but the first thing is getting that assessment and hopefully a productive diagnosis.

The things I'm struggling with mainly are how he hears things. I can tell him something and he will take one tiny piece of it negatively and lets it affect him. His angry at other motorists is normal but when I point out that he did the same thing he wouldnt listen, so its more him accepting when he has done something wrong. He gets overly anxious about things as he tends to start many projects but finishes none then leaves things all over the place which I refuse to tidy away but will point it out to him. He is always late, no matter what time he leaves the house he gets distracted with other things and ends up late. He forgets loads too, like things we've had discussions about then gets upset that he has either forgot or thinking I'm lying to him about it. He feels everything is against him, for example, he will say that the cat waits for him to sit down with hid food before using the litter tray, I know the cat doesnt think like this and its just coincidence but he makes out the cat does it on purpose.

He accepts he has ADHD but he not doing anything about it until he has had the official assessment. I've tried to tell him its not going to be an overnight miracle cure and he will always have it but just needs to learn coping skills.

Sounds like ODD - oppositional defiant disorder.

I hope you don't mind me placemarking. I have recently been diagnosed and am wondering how best to help DP with my behaviours.

That is something that can appear as part of ADHD.

@SoupDragon I kow ye, other half has it as part of his. I also have adhd but with other things too.

He should see a therapist, help him start processing the impact ADHD has had on his life. Also look up rejection sensitivity disphoria, basically overly sensitive to any form of criticism or negativity. It can vary as to how much it affects someone but seems to go hand in hand with ADHD.
Also to add this diagnosis does not excuse being an arsehole. My DH has had a late diagnosis but has never behaved like this and is also working to learn to regulate his emotions better, although the drugs can also help with this.

for example, he will say that the cat waits for him to sit down with hid food before using the litter tray, I know the cat doesnt think like this and its just coincidence but he makes out the cat does it on purpose

I've just read this out to my ADHD DH because this is EXACTLY what he says about our cat 😂😂

Cats KNOW I am telling you. My cat used to wait till we were eating to stick one leg up and lick his arse. I also have adhd but the cat did this for sure!

He sounds like he behaves like a child. Doesn't like criticism. Doesn't pay sufficient attention to things you are saying. Leaves stuff lying at his arse. Like he's not good at dealing with stuff he doesn't want to hear/see.

I hope he gets help soon because then he will have no excuse for behaving like a child. If not I'd be off tbh.

I'm AuDHD ... we aren't all arseholes.

We did:

A shared Google calendar. No worryii oh by about telling him and him forgetting. In the calendar = happening

Having scheduled house meetings and writing down what we agreed.

Laughing at the cat jokes! My young adult son has suspected ADHD (I don’t know if anything else on top) - and weirdly enough he takes my cat’s lack of friendliness towards him very personally 🤷‍♀️ 😀!

As his mother I do wonder how a future girlfriend might cope with some of his irritability and impatience etc. Although he is sensitive and capable of saying sorry and admitting mistakes he can also be quite stubborn and even blaming at other times. He has some good qualities but tricky at times ….

Literally everything you've listed is ADHD. So no, he's not acting like a child. I also agree with other posters though that having ADHD doesn't give you the right to be an arsehole and use it as an excuse. OP a lot of what you describe is definitely ADHD. Can't regulate emotions which means anger etc over something that seems small to others, being very big on justice and can't stand seeing someone do something they shouldn't, feeling like everything is a criticism (mainly because we've been criticized our whole life for the way we are) rsd is massive with ADHD. God I even laughed out loud at the cat thing ... I've done this myself 🤣🤣 He does need to take accountability though and realise it doesn't just affect him. I guarantee if he's diagnosed and he gets the right support and medication life will be a lot easier for the both of you, but he also needs to be realistic about the medication too as it can be a long process finding the right one / dose with a lot of ups and downs. I thought it was going to be a magic pill that made me "normal" (my feelings towards it and not me saying people with ADHD aren't normal) but wow did my life come crashing down after a few weeks when the dose wore off!

Medication can help with emotional dysregulation and lots of the other symptoms you describe. Which could calm things down however it sounds like he has got into some quite disordered thinking over the years. Blaming external factors for all your problems/mental health issues, is quite a common disordered thinking pattern that is addressed in CBT. It's not specific to ADHD. Not very healthy as you can't really address or change anything if you think it's just the world out to get you.

Tbf to him he's getting a late diagnosis and has probably been criticised his whole life for being lazy or stupid, or he's failed at a lot of things or got into a lot of trouble, and/or just become very frustrated at how difficult normal life is for him. It's overwhelming and why ADHD is often comorbid with depression and anxiety.

It sounds like he could well do with some ADHD coaching and/or counselling along with any medication after diagnosis. This could help him gain more insight into his feelings and struggles and help him establish useful strategies moving forward. Medication helps you but cannot, for instance, teach you how to be organised, or strategies for managing anger.

Thanks to you all and its so nice to hear that people with ADHD have similar traits, especially about cats :) He's not being a child or an arse, sorry if anyone thinks that. I'm just looking at ways to support him and me with the impact ADHD is having on our relationship.

He will be getting counselling once he has had his full assessment and has the diagnosis officially, he cant before then due to conflicts and he doesn't want to put off the assessment as he's waited ages for it. We are talking about doing couples counselling together too later down the line so we can talk things through and find out how to support each other, as he also needs to take responsibility to his actions as he cannot continue blaming everything on ADHD without using coping strategies to help himself.

We do have a family calendar in that we all write on with any appointments and what we are doing etc He has an electronic one too but it is linked to his business so others have access to it and it would be too overwhelming for him to have 2 electronic calendars.

I am beginning to realise that cats are plotting and its not related to ADHD 😆

Yeah this is typical think of someone who knows nothing about ADHD. Please keep comments like this to yourself.

It's the cats who are arseholes not our dear ADHDers 😂😂

I did a shared Google calendar with my ADHD husband and he still doesn't look at it

The main thing OP will be if he is willing to get help and support for his ADHD. My DH has all of the behaviours you describe but refuses to see anyone or consider medication. This is why we will be separating in 2025, I can't stick it any longer.