How to survive with ADHD husband

[tinseltitss]

My husband is waiting for an official diagnosis but he very much has ADHD and uses it as a reason for his behaviour at times. He had an autism assessment and was told that he wasn't autistic but is most certainly ADHD and some psychology friends have also said he has classic ADHD. He has an ADHD assessment booked for after Christmas.

I'm just wondering if anyone can point me in the direction of a good book or support source to help me understand him/ADHD better? I know I dont see things the way he does and the more we talk the more we argue about it, he sees a lot of things negatively when they are certainly not.

If he thinks someone is being negative or has the wrong idea he will defend himself until it looks like he is guilty, he rants a lot and shouts at other motorists when they have done something that he literally just did but when I point this out it gets ignored or he'll argue about it. I'm exhausted with it all and I'm praying the assessment helps him get a diagnosis and help for him.

Please no negative comments about me needing to talk to him or anything, I've tried all of that and I know its not something that can change overnight, I just want to work with him and help the cause of the issues.

Oh I'm so sorry thats happening to you. Is he refusing to accept he has ADHD? I hope everything goes smoothly for you x

And yes, cats are arseholes I agree 😂

Is he happy in other parts of his life? My DH gets unreasonably annoyed with things - goes around complaining (he has a very ease retirde life) and goes on at me critically - but it ususally turns out to be someone or something has gone wrong, said something wrong and this is on his mind and angered him. He still fails to see the connection after 40 years.
I was thinking of the ridiculous driving anger which DH often has.

Come to think of it he always seems to have an issue with most things. I know he loves his job but complains about not being on the ball and letting people down there. He has a lot of different hobbies and is out a lot to do these but then complains about them that he doesnt have time, hes tired etc. But when I say to him that tis things he wanted to do and has a choice he goes on like he doesnt. I'm really hoping the assessment will help him then get support professionally for this and other things. Its so difficult to know what is ADHD and what is just him.

https://www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/

Lots of resources, training and webinars here for family members.

Hi, just an update. I have found all the advice and resources extremely helpful for me to understand more, thank you to you all. However, he seems to be getting worse and is blaming me for everything now and will not take any responsibility. He had a go at me last night on text saying I dont support him and everything is my fault but a few days earlier he'd messaged me to say he appreciates my support and love. I honestly feel like I cannot win and I'm really ready to ask him to leave. I just dont know how much more I can take. We've not been married long and I really do love him and want this to work but my mental health is suffering. I feel like I need time away from him, Christmas is going to be difficult and I'm dreading it.

OP can you try living apart for a while? Tell him you want it to work but you can't live with constant anger and criticism? You need to give yourself space to figure out what you really want. See if he can find enough mental space to accept his behaviour is harmful, see if he can understand that he needs to work on himself as well.
On the other hand if it feels truly hopeless then make a clean break, but look after yourself. But set a timeline, don't allow yourself to be sucked into years of misery on the promise of change.

@Pashazade this is a good idea. I've told him we need to talk over the weekend rather than him sending continuous texts to me. I'll suggest it to him and see how it goes. I have to admit, I do like it in the house when he's at work, its much calmer place without him in it and I'm not walking on eggshells either.

@tinseltitss how are things going?