Are all men awful or is something wrong with me?

[IsItMe8912]

I'm starting to wonder if I am the problem. I am 35 and I have had 3 relationships in my life, all of which have been to some degree abusive. The first was my longest, from 18 until 27, and he was extremely physically and emotionally abusive. I did the freedom programme and counselling after this, and I thought I was aware of common warning signs, but the next two ended up being arseholes too, although not as bad as the first. I’m just starting to wonder whether I don’t deserve any better. I feel quite alone, stupid and disgusting at the moment and was wondering whether anyone else can relate, as I’ve no one in real life to talk to. Thank you for reading x

What was your parents' relationship like OP? If you grew up thinking that abuse was normal it can be very hard to get past that.

I’m not certain as she’s never told me, but I don’t think my Dad was particularly nice to my Mum when me and my siblings weren’t around. I didn’t witness anything or hear anything, but Dad was quite disciplinarian with my brother and I’m making assumptions

It’s crap isn’t it, I know it’s terrible but I feel so jealous of friends who are married and happy. It’s probably illogical but I can’t help but feel that I’m not good enough and that’s why they deserve to have a happy family and I don’t. I have a good job and am successful in other ways, but I can’t help but feel that I must have deserved to be hurt so badly by people that said they loved me. Perhaps it’s more about my self esteem than anything else

I did the freedom program and for me it wasn't really helpful - i could identify a bastard - i could SEE he was abusive - i just didn't have enough self esteem or strength or bravery to get away.
So its NOT YOU - but i do think it has something to do with self esteem. I think others would have got out before it was too late and once a nasty bastard has you in their grasp its hard to get away again.

It's not you! Sounds like you are self aware and have a great (unfortunately) understanding of warning signs.
Posts often get blamed for hating on men. But yes, the statistics for violence on women where men are the perpetrators, and also the high volumes of DV (and let's face it most likely more than that doesn't get reported) paint a very bleak picture.
I'm happy for my friends who are happily married but regularly ponder what goes on behind closed doors.

are-all-men-awful-or-is-something-wrong-with-me

Neither.
Of course all men aren't abusive.
That doesn't therefore equal something being wrong with you.

However, before you enter another relationship, you will benefit from learning to love yourself. Abusers take advantage of people who are vulnerable. People who are confident / have high self-esteem / are not vulnerable are likely to get rid of partners who are no good, but people whose self esteem is very low, tend not to.

I've had some very dodgy boyfriends, nothing abusive but just general love the pub too much and are a waste of time.

The only thing I've learnt as I've got older is to see the warning signs and dump them quicker. We need to have boundaries and standards, and stick to them and not fall for the dumb crap they come out with.

And...

Youre not going to find a decent man when you're busy wasting your time on an idiot.

You are not stupid.

You are not disgusting.

You didn't deserve any of the abuse you received.

You are more than good enough.

Can you afford counselling to help work through your past and improve your self-esteem? Definitely concentrate all of your energy on you. You only get one life - live it for you. X

I am nearly 35. I would say above average looks and intelligence, I’m generous and kind. I have a good job. I escaped an abusive marriage. I am obviously in a far better place now and not vulnerable to it. Had to do a whole life overhaul to get here. The ‘just love yourself’ advice is annoying because I do, and yet still cannot seem to find anyone half decent.

and I really try to not have a certain view about men. It’s hard due to my job admittedly (I see so much domestic abuse as a family lawyer) but also I just find on a day to day basis, most men are just not normal. I frequently get messages from men online being weird (literally tonight a guy wanted to pay me to cut my hair because he has some weird fetish) and I’m not even on dating apps to avoid all this general weirdness.

so yeah, no advice OP sorry except to say I empathise. And it’s not you. I do think the general standard of men has declined due to things like online porn, and online dating. I’m lucky in that I don’t want kids so a relationship would be nice but not essential.

Do you know how to inspire men to bring their best out for you?
How to make yourself unique to their eyes?

Definitely not saying all men want and are able to bring out their best for a woman (quite a few unwilling/faulty ones out there) but most guys will definitely save their best efforts until they feel they met "the one". And they don't get there the same way we do. Most women tend to crave safety and are ready for commitment if things go well from day one, most men need a rollercoaster and some sparring first.

Having that "one" energy requires a lot of self-confidence, a lot of understanding (not as in swallowing their bs and pretending it doesn't exist, but getting and respecting how men think, by example their attraction to risk and interest for sex, unless it makes them act or think like twats, of course), a lot of smooth assertiveness without losing your cool to pre-empt all his attempts at getting into your knickers without committing first (which is quite another level than just being defensive or stating boundaries). Have something that makes you stand out. Don't be too bland (sorry, being an attractive, kind woman who has her life together etc, even though extremely commendable in general, is not the angle for dating), find the edge in you and show it. Better rattle the soul of the 10% men you are potentially compatible with by being you and not giving a damn rather than trying to meet the standards of 100% of men and smoothing yourself out into nothing. Don't give it all, don't bare it all from the get go. Have layers to your intimacy, and not just physical.

That's how you impress a man. And once the man is impressed, you lay the law of your land (preferably, before you sleep with them, that's when you will the biggest influence and will have all their motivation). This is how you will lead your life, busy with your career, being a SAHM, devoting your existence to playing ping pong in oven mittens, it does not matter. What they need to feel is that they need to fit to your project or they re out. That they need to meet your expectations or they re out.

That's how you filter the incompatible ones and inspire the compatible ones to up their game.

My sister in law has a similar relationship history to you OP. In her case she freely admits it's because she ignores the early red flags. Because her first relationship was so awful, these little red flags seem so minor in comparison, and so she keeps dating men that most other women would throw back. And then those minor red flags turn out to be a sign of much bigger ones.

It's probably a combination of bad luck and that men who are going to be awful can sense your vulnerability and so intentionally prey on you.

The way out is to reject men that treat you badly much much earlier on when they show signs of mistreating you.

As for meeting more men that is a tough one is it is somewhat down to luck. Get out a lot, join a lot of groups or classes to try and increase your chances. A lot of life is luck so the only way to increase your chances is to meet more people and keep rejecting the ones that treat you badly.

Has someone said those words to you ?

I only ask because I’ve been in 3 physically abusive relationships too and opened up with my last one about the previous 2, then he was abusive (actually the worst out of them) but also defended his actions by blaming me and throwing it in my face about the previous two and saying no wonder my ex partners had done it.

You definitely do deserve better. No one deserves to be physically or mentally abused.

Nothing you are doing attracts these men, however you're the one who is having a relationship with them.

Someone with healthy self esteem bolts at the first sign of trouble. A predator is the same with every woman he approaches, however not every woman reacts the same to his advances.

Having been in an abusive relationship makes you more vulnerable to getting into another one because your boundaries and self esteem have been eroded. You may also be attracted to a certain type of behaviour due to your background.

The onus is on you to work on yourself, familiarise yourself with red flags and scarper as soon as you recognise bad behaviour. If this is too difficult then you're better off alone.

It’s such a personal thing, it’s easy to start blaming yourself but it isn’t you. Just look of stacks of posts on here that ask the same or describe relationships that just shouldn’t happen.

I agree with PPs but I have this idea that it’s more than incompatible people getting together, or people concealing their true selves at the beginning of relationships etc. I’ve a feeling this is a pivotal time for relationships generally, that in 15/20 years time it will be written about as an era similar to how Suffrage was or some other major change in the relationship between men and women.

That was a bit of a meander into my half formed thoughts, but what I’m trying to say is there is a lot more contributing to unsuccessful relationships than the individuals involved.

Not what you were asking but, no it’s not you

I’m sorry you’ve been through this too. One of them used to tell me that I must have enjoyed the first one beating me up and said he could see why it happened to me. I guess that’s made me wonder if I really do deserve it.

Thank you, that was actually really helpful as I think that’s what I’ve been doing too. Just because something is not as bad as what my first partner did it still doesn’t mean it’s ok.

Thank you, I feel better just knowing that others have felt the same. I’m realising that working on my self esteem needs to be a priority.

Thank you, it does help hearing that I’m not the only person who feels this way. I’m also a lawyer (although not family law) and I love my job, but I’m starting to feel that I use being busy at work as a kind of distraction and do need to make some time to look after myself.

Thank you everyone for replying to me. I felt awful last night and was really upset. This has made me feel less alone. I’m not currently dating at the moment, not even considering it actually haha. It’s more how I feel about myself and that’s definitely something I can work on.

I had a challenging childhood and a history of dating not nice guys. It was only when I got counselling that I was able to break the cycle and change my 'type' - mind you it took me over 20 years!

Another lawyer here, spent a decade as a singleton workaholic. I had an absent/alcoholic father and so abandonment became my “norm”. Predictably, I attracted men who rejected and belittled me. I recommend reading “Women who love too much”. I know it’s a cheesy title, but it helped things click into place.