Are all men awful or is something wrong with me?

[IsItMe8912]

I'm starting to wonder if I am the problem. I am 35 and I have had 3 relationships in my life, all of which have been to some degree abusive. The first was my longest, from 18 until 27, and he was extremely physically and emotionally abusive. I did the freedom programme and counselling after this, and I thought I was aware of common warning signs, but the next two ended up being arseholes too, although not as bad as the first. I’m just starting to wonder whether I don’t deserve any better. I feel quite alone, stupid and disgusting at the moment and was wondering whether anyone else can relate, as I’ve no one in real life to talk to. Thank you for reading x

Thank you for the recommendation. Just checked it out and bought a copy. I don’t want to go through the rest of my life feeling this way. I feel old right now but I know there’s a long time left and I don’t want to waste it feeling terrible!

Our culture is seeped in the idea that males are the primary type of humans and females exist to service them.

It's been this way since time began.

It's very difficult to find a heterosexual relationship that doesn't reproduce this model. There's nothing wrong with you, in fact there's something right with you...you see it, where billions of women kid themselves that the dynamics they tolerate from their male partners are acceptable.

Keep those standards high and love yourself above all others. Only in this way will you be able to detect a male who respects your value and boundaries. We are conditioned, hard, from tiny tots to believe we need a prince, but we don't. We need to value ourselves and reject any male who doesn't match that.

I try hard not to become jaded but I see such ingrained misogyny SO often. It has gotten a lot worse since I started doing very well professionally. It’s not unusual for male clients to request an alternative, male lawyer despite being of lower seniority.
and then when dating the anger and resentment just pours out of them. It’s so obvious and I feel like once you see you can’t unsee.

I am lucky in that the men I work with are fab. All married of course, but it gives me some glimmer of hope. I just think maybe I missed the boat!

You THINK they are fab. So many men are excellent and seeming this way to outsiders, friends, neighbours, colleagues, you don't know them til you KNOW them.

I had an ex, definitely a covert narcissist, who played everyone, even my friends and colleagues, and even some of my family (others saw through him) thought he was soooo nice. He cheated (including with a friend of mine), gaslighted, manipulated, played the silent treatment, did bugger all around the house and got secret loans he spent on god knows what. I got little support when I finally left him, he ingratiated himself so well. He used to send me expensive bouquets while I was at work, even during his silent treatments, so that my complaints about my relationship looked unfound, to my colleagues, and friends who say me being them home.

I'm even more wary of the 'lovely blokes'. I want to speak to his ex's before I believe it!