Crush on work colleague! Help!

[FedUp2022]

Please can someone help talk me out of this situation?! I’m a 40 something woman divorcee and finding myself increasingly attracted to a work colleague about 8yrs younger than me. He has a GF who he was due to marry during Covid but it didn’t happen and hasn’t happened since. Anyway we swapped numbers for work purposes at the end of Spring and literally haven’t stopped texting each other since. It’s mostly just silly work chat/ gossip but does stray in to sharing thoughts/ feelings about other stuff too. There have been many times when we will text for several hours, early am, late pm, weekends (even though our jobs are 9-5). I have developed feelings for him. I know that the whole thing is completely wrong for so many reasons 1) He has a GF!!! 2) I love my job and would hate for anything to ruin it 3) I think I’m confusing the attention he is giving me for something more meaningful
Anyway any advice would be greatly appreciated!! I know I am wasting my time and energy but just cannot stop these overwhelming thoughts & feelings!

Mate! Get a hobby! If you're feeling lonely come onto MN, or listen to a podcast, or text someone else you know.

Believe me I’ve tried! It’s almost become like an addiction!! It’s absolutely ridiculous!

Two main things to do:

1. Think about the fallout if this all blows up in your face - how the girlfriend would react, what your colleagues would think. It could lead to a horrible confrontation with her (and who could blame her, if you are deliberately flirting with someone who is attached) and it could ruin your job, to the extent that you might have to leave.
2. Find a distraction - the good news is that you are clearly recovered enough from the divorce to start thinking about dating again and I get why this crush has been the jumping off point for this, because it's 'safer' flirting with a colleague who you know already as the likelihood of rejection is mitigated by the (originally) platonic work friendship.

We're racing towards the new year - it's less than a month away. Focus on making 2025 your best year ever by considering starting to date again, get your hair done, buy some new clothes, do whatever it takes to make you feel your most gorgeous self. And pull back on the messaging in the meantime.

Are you in this person's team and is either of you in charge of the other? Stop texting. This isn't going to end well

You can stop. You're choosing not to

Delete his number.

Read threads on here to see the heartbreak caused by a cheating partner. That should focus your mind. This is not a friendship alone and it is not okay.

Grow up.

You decide where you want to go with this.

There is a faint chance he will be so besotted with you he throws his hat over a windmill and leaves his current life for a wonderful sunset with you.

There is a much strong chance that his ego is being stroked which is fine for while but ultimately he will realise he is being idiot. At then of that you will end looking and feeling like an idiot and, worse, being in an impossible situation at work.

Worse case scenario, which I suspect you are heading for, is entirely losing your dignity and having to find another job.

Make you choice.

Hes not available. Don’t be that woman who cheats with another woman’s fiancée. Just don’t! It’s out of order. Block him so he can’t message you. Or get a new number and don’t give your new number to him. Start seeing him for what he really is. He’s a scumbag. He’s sitting texting you having an emotional affair whilst he’s not free to do so. That makes him a cheating scumbag with zero integrity and total disregard for his fiancées feelings. And he’s probably only doing it for an ego boost anyway. He’s using you and cheating on her. Take off the rose tinted schoolgirl glasses and see the reality of who this guy is. He’s vile.

@Arlanymor thank you for your advice. Both points are totally right. I really don’t want to end up being in some massive drama either inside or outside work! Roll on 2025 and hopefully making better choices!!

@GranPepper yes and yes. I know there is no happy ending to this. That is why I’m asking for help to get it/ him out of my head. I think maybe I need to try OLD as a distraction. I’ve never done it before.

@ForPearlViper i know you’re right. I was very close about a week ago to stopping it all but then he ‘accidentally’ phoned me on a Saturday night and that was it again…

I'm sorry but yes. Hold your head up high. You know it's the right thing. Not saying it's easy when someone is stoking your ego/making you feel good monentarily but do it anyway. You're worth more than that. You are.

Your not a teacher by any chance are you ?

@TipsyJoker you’re right about the school girl thing! I need to get some self respect and dignity!! Weirdly I only just realised that no one else at work knows of our ‘WhatsApp friendship’ (or whatever you want to call it). Neither of us ever mention it or talk to anyone else. I’m guessing that’s cos we both damn well know it’s not right. He can actually be a bit weird and standoffish at work. Sometimes he doesn’t even say Hi. Typing this is making me feel like an absolute fool!

Honestly I'd block him on whatsapp. No good can come from continuing on whatsapp.

Don’t embarrass yourself. Leave this behind, think of it as the year you were foolish. Distract yourself with other things. Read a good book. Watch a TV series and talk with others about that etc etc.

You sound lonely or bored and needing to distract yourself from something (you said it was like an obsession - obsessions/addictions are never to healthy, nourishing things, they’re always taking us away from discomfort or pain).

Address the root cause and you’ll be flying.

@MaylingDown sales type role. It’s not very exciting but this whole thing made me actually want to go to work every day!

Because he is stroking your ego. But you don't have to do this and it's not a good idea to continue with it, sorry

Delete his number. Get friends. See family. Get a hobby. Stop being a problem.

Imagine a future with him.
He will break up with his girlfriend.
He will move in with you.
You will live together. You will look at him over the breakfast table everyday.
You will commute to work together.

Is this scenario your goal?

i don’t think I can just block him as I have to work with him so maybe I should just stop messaging/ replying etc… I’ve been thinking for a while whether I should have a conversation IRL with him about it all as neither of us have actually acknowledged in IRL that we have this weird WhatsApp relationship?! Or will that just make it 10000 times worse?!

You're going to have to exercise some self control you could fuck up your job and someone else's' relationship ( which you already will be because his energy is diverted away from it emotionally by the way).

I've had a few crushes at work and generally it's nothing to do with the person, it was just validation when I was in a bad relationship/no relationship/low self esteem. I projected lots of good stuff or even stuff I liked about myself onto the other person. It was never about them. Work causes a recipe - proximity + false closeness. It's not real. Don't forget you see people generally at their best at work.

He's not available, it's not just a bit of an ego boost, you're going to be affecting his relationship.

How would you feel about that? The man you love withdrawing emotionally because of a random at work?

You sound almost giddy that he didn't get married to her, that's not cool, don't revel in stuff like that, it's a slippery slope. Just withdraw and beome less chatty and start to put some boundaries in place.

P.s if you love your job in the nicest way wise up, people will have noticed and they'll be gossiping about both of you and likely think you're shagging already. People always pick up it all in my experience. None of this is personal I don't know you, but believe me it's just not worth it. He's only a random guy at work.

You can block him if you wish to. Having a work relationship doesn't require you to have a clandestine whatsapp relationship

@SkaneTos when you put it like that No! I know the whole thing is just born out of the fact that I’ve managed to free myself from a v long marriage with a man who was like my room mate for many years! I guess I’m just flattered by the attention but I know it’s totally wrong for so many reasons!