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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Crush on work colleague! Help!

42 replies

FedUp2022 · 03/12/2024 20:23

Please can someone help talk me out of this situation?! I’m a 40 something woman divorcee and finding myself increasingly attracted to a work colleague about 8yrs younger than me. He has a GF who he was due to marry during Covid but it didn’t happen and hasn’t happened since. Anyway we swapped numbers for work purposes at the end of Spring and literally haven’t stopped texting each other since. It’s mostly just silly work chat/ gossip but does stray in to sharing thoughts/ feelings about other stuff too. There have been many times when we will text for several hours, early am, late pm, weekends (even though our jobs are 9-5). I have developed feelings for him. I know that the whole thing is completely wrong for so many reasons 1) He has a GF!!! 2) I love my job and would hate for anything to ruin it 3) I think I’m confusing the attention he is giving me for something more meaningful
Anyway any advice would be greatly appreciated!! I know I am wasting my time and energy but just cannot stop these overwhelming thoughts & feelings!

OP posts:
livingafulllife · 03/12/2024 22:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I was thinking the same thing.

Jennyoi · 03/12/2024 22:24

FedUp2022 · 03/12/2024 22:05

@MaylingDown sales type role. It’s not very exciting but this whole thing made me actually want to go to work every day!

Oh I didn't see this.

There you have it.

It's not about him. He's a hook to hang your boredom hat on. Been there done that. Get some excitement in your life. (in the nicest possible way - speaking from experience)

MsDogLady · 03/12/2024 22:24

This sounds intense. After being together at work, you text for several hours - early morning, late evening, weekends. As @TipsyJoker says, it’s an emotional affair. You are helping this man make a fool of his fiancée.

@FedUp2022, why are you attracted to such a pathetic faithless snake? He clearly enjoys using women to prop him up with ego kibbles. He is no prize.

Jennyoi · 03/12/2024 22:25

FedUp2022 · 03/12/2024 22:21

@SkaneTos when you put it like that No! I know the whole thing is just born out of the fact that I’ve managed to free myself from a v long marriage with a man who was like my room mate for many years! I guess I’m just flattered by the attention but I know it’s totally wrong for so many reasons!

Look it's a good job you posted op, you've got good insight and you know the issues. You need some excitement and some action(lol I just mean a date etc) I get it. But don't get it this way it's just a recipe for disaster.

GranPepper · 03/12/2024 22:29

FedUp2022 · 03/12/2024 22:21

@SkaneTos when you put it like that No! I know the whole thing is just born out of the fact that I’ve managed to free myself from a v long marriage with a man who was like my room mate for many years! I guess I’m just flattered by the attention but I know it’s totally wrong for so many reasons!

That's what he knows and is playing on - you're flattered. It's not good to continue it, sorry

Original poster
FedUp2022 · 03/12/2024 22:32

@MsDogLady you are right. It is intense and consumes a lot of my headspace which is a big reason for my post this evening. I genuinely want to clear this shit out of my head so I can move on with my life. I am clearly wasting time on someone who is obviously not worth it.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 03/12/2024 22:42

Glad you're taking all of this feedback on board @FedUp2022 - only another 28 days until 2025, when you can say: "I was a bit daft in 2024, but I realise now that it's because I would like to experiment with dating again and to feel desirable, and now it's 2025 and I am going to put myself out there!" You caught it in time, block and back off, and then onwards and upwards.

Original poster
FedUp2022 · 03/12/2024 22:47

@Arlanymor thanks for your wise words!

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/12/2024 01:15

You've got a crush on a man who'll happily have an emotional affair with another woman, when he's already got a girlfriend. He's that pathetic that he needs an ego boost from whoever is willing to give him one, despite the fact he's risking hurting the woman he supposedly loves.

Doesn't that gives you the ick @FedUp2022 ? And if not, why not, how can you fancy someone who's such a little creep?

Original poster
FedUp2022 · 04/12/2024 06:20

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/12/2024 01:15

You've got a crush on a man who'll happily have an emotional affair with another woman, when he's already got a girlfriend. He's that pathetic that he needs an ego boost from whoever is willing to give him one, despite the fact he's risking hurting the woman he supposedly loves.

Doesn't that gives you the ick @FedUp2022 ? And if not, why not, how can you fancy someone who's such a little creep?

For a while I’ve been thinking it’s all just in my head and there’s nothing really going on. Especially as none of this has ever been spoken about IRL. It’s made it difficult to truly understand what it is.

OP posts:
MixedCouple2 · 04/12/2024 06:28

At your age you should have some sense. Block, delete and try to meet people, make friends and stay away from affairs and childish games.

Lurkingandlearning · 04/12/2024 07:34

I think you should focus on what sort of person he is. Is his partner aware of the level of contact between you? It’s a lot more than is normal for friends. You are definitely in emotional affair territory. So that is the man he is and would no doubt do the same to you at some point in the future if you replaced her.

As they haven’t gone ahead with their wedding their relationship might be dead in the water but instead of ending it he is stringing you both along. At best he’s working out his options, which isn’t fair to either of you. At worst he is just messing with both of you to boost his ego

SleepPrettyDarling · 04/12/2024 07:41

Mute the WhatsApp thread you have with him. You need to train yourself to do something else when you are tempted to text/reply. Distract yourself out of being available to him, and put done healthy boundaries in place.

Lollollol2020 · 04/12/2024 08:25

The trouble with this kind of virtual connection is that it isn’t real life but you will be filling in the blanks yourself. This creates false intimacy. You won’t realise this until you stop. Limerence is a thing and it is highly addictive.

Jennyoi · 04/12/2024 13:51

Lollollol2020 · 04/12/2024 08:25

The trouble with this kind of virtual connection is that it isn’t real life but you will be filling in the blanks yourself. This creates false intimacy. You won’t realise this until you stop. Limerence is a thing and it is highly addictive.

This, you'll be surprised how much is you and not him, as in projecting stuff that isn't really there. It's just fantasy.

He's just a garden variety knob anyway if he has a girlfriend so remember that.

Original poster
FedUp2022 · 04/12/2024 18:39

Lollollol2020 · 04/12/2024 08:25

The trouble with this kind of virtual connection is that it isn’t real life but you will be filling in the blanks yourself. This creates false intimacy. You won’t realise this until you stop. Limerence is a thing and it is highly addictive.

This is so true! I’ve totally been filling in the blanks! It’s awful! I’ve never heard of Limerence before but it’s exactly what this is and it’s shit! I need to move on and fast!

OP posts:
Jennyoi · 04/12/2024 21:05

FedUp2022 · 04/12/2024 18:39

This is so true! I’ve totally been filling in the blanks! It’s awful! I’ve never heard of Limerence before but it’s exactly what this is and it’s shit! I need to move on and fast!

Show quote history

You'll be alright op, read up on neuroscience of it, just stop replying slowly (maybe not quickly as he might get all Heathcliff dramatic) it's only dopamine.

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