DD told me is controlling and manipulative

[Treesfallingallaround]

It’s over isn’t it?

short story; DD (15) just heard an exchange between me and DP (not her dad) and the second he left the car she said ‘mum, he is so controlling and manipulative’ and went on to give me many examples she has seen and heard of this and how much she dislikes DP because of the way he treats me.

like I say, it’s over isn’t it??!

*sorry for the typo in the title

And I’d have laughed in this man’s face if he’d said that to me, and that would be the last conversation I’d have had with him.

If all he brings to this is a car I’d be on the bus.

If you didn't live together he could see his family whenever he wanted and you could take DD to where she goes without any whining from him.

Your poor daughter. Get him out of your home.

He was doing this petty thing where he bought up seeing his parents after the appointment, knowing my DD was uncomfortable from the appointment, knowing we had little time before we needed/wanted to get home, then was like ‘oh well, I guess I have to suffer by not doing what I want to do as usual’ ‘sigh’ ‘tut’ so I drove him to his parents and drove off to get my DD a treat.

He sounds vile.
You have a very smart daughter.

I pay all the bills, he does contribute to other things but it is generally a woe is me palava because I earn double what he does and he knows this so I think he kinda see’s he shouldn’t have to do as much as he does. Although in doing bits like food shopping he has something to moan about

Well done on raising such an insightful DD Op. Now listen to her and get this sorted, he sounds like a petty little man who begrudges you putting anyone first but him

I was in an abusive relationship and left when DD was 2. The thought of her growing up as having that as her model for a relationship in the future terrifies me.

You're just modelling unhealthy relationships on your DD and she'll go on to accept the same in future.

End it.

To kinda get the jist of this man, he is the kinda person to buy you a lovely birthday cake, you thank him and enjoy the birthday cake and then for about 3 weeks after every now and then it will be ‘yeah well I could have bought/done xyz but obviously I bought you that cake that you really wanted’ insinuating that he went without for the cake, that I wasn’t grateful enough, that getting the cake was a huge endeavour that probably wasn’t worth it, his life would have been better if cake didn’t exist but woe is him and cake does exist sadly so he had to buy one.

This. About everything. And everything is my fault, can’t find his wallet? I must have moved it, his family are awfully rude? They would be better if just sucked it up, he makes a wrong decision? Well if I had been listening or cared then it wouldn’t have happened like that.

Listen to her.

If he's on the tenancy it's his house too. I learned from bitter experience never to put a boyfriend on my tenancy, they accused me off all sorts and threw me out.

How long has he been there?

Your poor child.
How could you move such a loser into her home and put HER in the position of having to explain to her mother just what a loser he is.
So sad and unfair on her.
She must feel so confused and stressed.

Your poor child.
You clearly know he is a loser, yet you moved him in and have allowed him to make your child uncomfortable.

So sad. It unfathomably that women on MN do this again and a again.

Get him out and put that poor child first.
She deserves so much better than this.

I’m sorry to hear this :(

He wouldn’t be able to afford the running of this house his money would just about cover the rent so I doubt he will fight me for it, luckily.

Tbh, sadly not a case that I knew all of this. Prior, he was lovely, very good with DD, good dad to his DD, kind, generous, lots of good qualities. I do believe I have been massively sucked in and manipulated by him. I had started to have these thoughts last couple of weeks but brushed it off because he would then do something really lovely and genuine. But it’s the constant comments and negativity.

I have spoken to him before about his ways and it’s just another load of woe is me. Naively I didn’t think DD realised how he could be.

Good dad to his DD…. Every other week?

If I saw my kids every other week I’m not sure I’d be referred to as a “good mum”

Your DD will be 18 in 3 years time, technically an adult, certainly no longer a school kid and maybe moving out to uni.
You have just 3 short years of her childhood left. She's had to put up with him for several years. The hospital appointment scenario is awful.

You've spoken to him before about his behaviour to no effect.

It sounds like you can already see what your best course of action is. See a solicitor and find out your options re the tenancy. Make your decision on what is best for you and your DD.

OP, you know NOW that she sees it all clearly and IS being impacted.

Stop listening to his bullshit and allowing yourself to be manipulated and used.

Get him out.
Stop paying anything for him.
Contact your landlord and tell them you want the tenancy chznged.
He pays nothing and is bullying your child.
Just do it and take control.

You can do this. For your daughter.

Yes, but if he's on the tenancy he can simply refuse to leave and as joint tenants, you can't make him. Nor AFAIK can you end a joint tenancy without the other tenant's agreement. You can ask him to leave but why would he when he's living practically rent free? You could try to make him want to leave by stopping all domestic services you're providing, cancelling any TV packages or subscriptions you're paying for, refusing all sex, and locking up the food cabinet and fridge. Kind of the nuclear option. But maybe if he has to do his own laundry, buy & cook his own food, and pay for his own Sky Sports (or whatever), he'll want to leave. But I doubt it, cocklodgers put up with a lot for free lodgings.

If he won't leave voluntarily you are going to be stuck with rental liability until your tenancy is up, unless you can get your landlord to somehow remove you from the lease. And why would he do that if he knows he's going to end up with a sole tenant who can't pay the rent?

:( I didn’t think of it like this.