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Original poster

Blaming the other woman

37 replies

Jibberjabba · 03/12/2024 11:43

is it always right to lay the blame there, if a partner has an affair? In a lot of cases it’s mis directed better to accept that your partner has actively seeked out to be unfaithful and the other woman more often than not will have been spun a story or have no knowledge of anything. In the long run it will make moving on and letting go so much easier

OP posts:
Hubby676 · 03/12/2024 21:56

Jibberjabba · 03/12/2024 11:43

is it always right to lay the blame there, if a partner has an affair? In a lot of cases it’s mis directed better to accept that your partner has actively seeked out to be unfaithful and the other woman more often than not will have been spun a story or have no knowledge of anything. In the long run it will make moving on and letting go so much easier

Hi can I ask you something please

InfoSecInTheCity · 03/12/2024 22:03

It's never right to blame the other woman, you can question their morals or disagree with the choices they have made but ultimately they have no responsibility to protect your relationship or consider your feelings. The blame lies 100% with the cheating spouse who made the decision to break the trust and deceive their partner.

BeADinosaur · 03/12/2024 22:09

It's shades of grey isn't it?

If the OW is my sister, sure as fuck am I blaming her just as much as my partner.

Compared to if the OW had no idea the guy wasn't single and has been deceived and lied to just as much as me, then no, I'm not blaming her at all.

& All the thousand of nuances between the two extremes.

It isn't as easy as 'never do this' or 'always do that'. Life is messy and humans are imperfect and there are very few one size fits all situations.

Horationor · 03/12/2024 22:20

It depends on circumstances.
If say it was someone who knew you both, so aware that they were married, I think some blame can be attributed.

If they maybe set out to pursue your Husband, despite knowing they were married then Yes.
That's to dissolve blame though.
I'm guessing you're the other woman!

blacksax · 03/12/2024 22:24

Well if the other woman doesn't have a clue then it is a bit harsh to blame her, but if she knows full well that she's not 'in a relationship' but 'having an affair with a married man' then she absolutely is partly to blame. Anyone with morals wouldn't do it.

MarliaST · 03/12/2024 22:27

Both to blame where they both know there is a wife/husband involved.

If your relationship is not working, sort it out or leave before starting another.

Dealing with the OW in my marriage, determined to tell me, at times how poorly my husband talked of me, I reminded her that I was married to him, wasn't surprised how cruel he could be, to be mindful of what he was saying/will say about her.

TeaHagTeaBag · 03/12/2024 22:27

The woman who accepted my mother's hospitality then started affair with my father was definitely partly to blame.

Original poster
Jibberjabba · 03/12/2024 23:46

Not the other woman not at all. A long standing friend is in a situation where her DH wants a divorce after meeting someone. The OW met him abroad as he works overseas a lot. My friend is blaming the OW, she is incandescent with rage, the blame lies with the DH. She is stuck in this rage and cannot move on from it which is v sad to see.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 03/12/2024 23:54

The cheating partners always to blame and responsible for their horrible lying cheating behaviour. They’re a POS - that goes without saying.
The OW - there’s definitely more shades of grey depending in what she knew. If she’s been lied to then walks away when she knows the truth then she’s blameless. If she knowingly went into a relationship being aware the man wasn’t single then she’s responsible for being a pretty shit human being and accountable for her appalling decisions.

PrawnAgain · 03/12/2024 23:57

I think some OW are as much victims as the cheated partner, whereas others actively get off on enticing a man to cheat and don't care about his partner. There are also countless scenarios between these two positions. You can't generalise.

bluebee17 · 04/12/2024 00:00

The blame lay with the person who in the relationship. Sex can't happen unless they wanted it to.

Lavender14 · 04/12/2024 00:10

Personally when it happened to me I apportioned blame to both of them. Him first and foremost because he was the one who took vows. But she knew about me and knew I'd just had a baby and she made a conscious decision to participate in the affair anyway. So I think saying she's blameless is too lenient to be honest. I think that saying that the ONLY blame can be placed on the straying partner kind of frees others up to do whatever morally shit thing they fancy with no guilt or blame attached and I don't think that benefits anyone in society. Equally only blaming the affair partner is totally misguided and probably a result of denial and not enough genuine emotional processing. I think there's enough blame to go between the two of them unless one party has been exploited in some way or is completely unaware that one party is not single.

Angrymum22 · 04/12/2024 00:52

Both are to blame. Even if the OW doesn’t know the man is married, as soon as she finds out she should walk away, or wait until the marriage is officially over.
Why people want to rush into a new relationship is beyond me.

The OW in my case got no further than an emotional affair, but I think I could have coped better with a purely physical affair. Reading about the feelings and sentiments your DH expresses towards another woman is soul destroying.

For us the pandemic forced us to face the situation and we worked through it. DH was my rock when I was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after I discovered his dalliance. It was with his first love from 35yrs before, a lifetime, and it took him a while to get over it. I put myself in his position and realised that it is not worth fighting for something that only you want so was happy to walk away if he was no longer in love with me. It dawned on DH that what he had done was damaging and understood that it would take me time to work through it and learn to trust him again. His love and care when I was ill allowed us to build our relationship and we are now back to where we were. Probably a lot stronger but I think that was much more to do with the cancer and the reality of a life without me.

We now laugh about his ex’s attempts to accidentally bump into us. She’s not, and never has been local, but regularly uses the pubs and restaurants we frequent. Even 5yrs later she visits the area. So far we haven’t bumped into her but I suspect it’s only a matter of time. I’m not into confrontation but I may be tempted in her case.

TheShellBeach · 04/12/2024 00:54

Hubby676 · 03/12/2024 21:56

Hi can I ask you something please

Show quote history

Can I ask you something?
Why did you quote the whole OP?
Yours was literally the first response.

Original poster
Jibberjabba · 04/12/2024 08:49

I don’t agree with anyone entering into anything if they willingly know someone is still married. Although some are definitely separated, don’t live together have new lives just haven’t got round to the legals or if they do live under the same roof the relationship has been been broken a long time. Sometimes it’s not black and white.
My good friends marriage has been v unhappy for years, her DH being away so much was definitely a symptom of this, I do feel v sad for her and I hope she can get to a better place of acceptance. Despite knowing everything she imo doesn’t want a divorce, she doesn’t worry , has access to a lot of funds and maybe she is petrified of this being taken away

OP posts:
Original poster
Jibberjabba · 04/12/2024 08:49

Doesn’t work

OP posts:
Edingril · 04/12/2024 08:56

It just slipped in, I couldn't think for myself no not buying it

But if you are that willing to believe anything you are told because you can't think for yourself it just make you gullible not a cheater

The one cheater is one in relationship, which of course can be both people on occasion

sunflowersngunpowdr · 04/12/2024 09:10

In these types of situations there is more then enough blame to go around. It is completely natural to feel anger and hatred towards the OW that's why almost every women who has been cheated on feels that way and I guess it makes sense biologically as the husband is a resource for you and and your children where as the OW is 'stealing' resources from your family so it's inbuilt that you want to get that threat away and keep the man around (at least until you have thought it through).

username299 · 04/12/2024 09:14

Depends on your relationship with the OW.

Onetimeonly2024 · 04/12/2024 09:19

If the ow didn’t know she was an ow then no, I don’t think she can or should be blamed. If she DID know, then yes, she holds some responsibility.
If your friend is laying all of the blame at the feet of the OW then I don’t think that is healthy for her. It takes two to tango and her DH isn’t some victim, he chose to shag someone else.
Having said all that, I know a couple of married women who absolutely and determinedly target married men for affairs. Now obviously the married man is a fault, no matter how much someone comes onto you, it’s up to you to say no. But both these women view it as some sort of game or sport for a “laugh” so they can “win” and somehow feel superior to the wife. That’s not healthy either!

Original poster
Jibberjabba · 04/12/2024 09:28

if the OW is a friend or relative the betrayal must be absolutely devastating and anger is totally understandable for a v long time.
in the case of my friend for years she has moaned about her DH, for hours I have had to listen, she would pick up on the small stuff and never show any gratitude for anything he did. He absolutely doted on her but as the years went on I think he no longer felt the same. Of course I can’t tell her all this, I am there for her but I think she isn’t being honest with herself. She is v angry and wanting to use her young children as pawns so pretty awful all around.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 04/12/2024 09:51

Jibberjabba · 04/12/2024 09:28

if the OW is a friend or relative the betrayal must be absolutely devastating and anger is totally understandable for a v long time.
in the case of my friend for years she has moaned about her DH, for hours I have had to listen, she would pick up on the small stuff and never show any gratitude for anything he did. He absolutely doted on her but as the years went on I think he no longer felt the same. Of course I can’t tell her all this, I am there for her but I think she isn’t being honest with herself. She is v angry and wanting to use her young children as pawns so pretty awful all around.

So actually, you are blaming your friend for her husband having an affair.

Maybe it's true, but you don't sound like a great friend.

MissCherryBrandy · 04/12/2024 10:07

I think if my OH had an affair I'd have enough rage to spread it around, including the OW. Of course it's my OH who has committed the betrayal towards me but I know I'd also want to see the OW burn in hell for participating in my pain. Who cares if that's justified, it's probably how I'd feel. I'm quite annoyed even thinking about it 😂

OAPapparently · 04/12/2024 10:18

I think they are both to blame, but IME OW are often a certain ‘type’. I know 3 women who have been the OW, and they set out to be the OW like heat-seeking missiles. They were very smug about it and enjoyed the misery they caused, they got off on it. So I can see why some people put a lot of the blame on the OW, if they have encountered that ‘type’ of woman.

smallsilvercloud · 04/12/2024 10:27

The blame has to lie with the person having an affair, they choose not to turn down the temptation, yes it's shitty of the ow/om if they know the person being cheated on but you've made commitment with your partner. I'd still be angry/hurt if it was a friend or someone that knew me well but I'd hate the cheater more.