Page 2 | Blaming the other woman

Jibberjabba · 2024-12-03T11:43:53+00:00

is it always right to lay the blame there, if a partner has an affair? In a lot of cases it’s mis directed better to accept that your partner has actively seeked out to be unfaithful and the other woman more often than not will have been spun a story or have no knowledge of anything. In the long run it will make moving on and letting go so much easier

Original poster

Jibberjabba · 04/12/2024 10:49

thepariscrimefiles · 04/12/2024 09:51

So actually, you are blaming your friend for her husband having an affair.

Maybe it's true, but you don't sound like a great friend.

Show quote history

No I am not blaming but I’m saying I have had years of listening to criticism of her DH, she would criticise him when I was with them both. I am not condoning her DH affair, they should have split up previously. She isn’t taking any accountability for the issues in their relationship is a better way of putting it

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 04/12/2024 10:52

If a person knowingly has a relationship with someone they know to be married they are not blameless.

Danghormones · 04/12/2024 10:52

Every situation is different but a married man is a married man and god knows what nonsense they can fill the OW’s head with. At the same time if a woman knows someone is taken they should know just stay away full stop.

SheilaFentiman · 04/12/2024 10:59

Op

You are probably not the right person to support your friend right now

Shatteredheartsandbrokendreams · 04/12/2024 11:11

Absolutely on both. In my case STBXH the most as he was the one who broke his vows to me and ripped his family apart in the most cruel way possible without a backwards glance. BUT... OW was also married, knew I was pregnant and already had another child so absolutely some blame on her too, she couldn't 'wait' for my ex to do the right thing and discuss our relationship first and I judge both their morals for not breaking off both current relationships first.

Original poster

Jibberjabba · 04/12/2024 11:13

SheilaFentiman · 04/12/2024 10:59

Op

You are probably not the right person to support your friend right now

i don’t want to upset her, she sometimes calls me twice a day, I am there for her and want her to come through it but as a bystander I can see why sadly the marriage has broken down. She asks my opinions on why it has come to this, I haven’t said anything but we all should have accountability and respect in any relationship we form . I saw for many years the lack of respect, I would never treat my DH the way she did at times

OP posts:

DeliciousApples · 04/12/2024 12:04

I agree with you OP. But I imagine the wife isn't ready to accept yet.

If it's just a few weeks since the split then she's allowed to still be angry. If it's a year later she needs to move in from it and accept he's not coming back and things will need to change.

There are stages of grieving (for the relationship that's dead) to go through and she's still at the anger stage.

You could google and see what they are as I can't remember!

Maybe you could try and get her into a path along the lines of "he wasnt good enough for you. He wasn't the one. Look at all the times he pissed you off and you had arguments. He can go and piss someone else off now. And you can get on with your life without his irritating ass hanging around wanting the tv remote. What you have to do is make sure you get a fair settlement and a way to support yourself going forward so you can buy him out of the current house or get a new one. You deserve to be happy. He wasn't making you happy. Yes you had good times but then he pissed you off. So good riddance".

JackieQueen · 04/12/2024 12:09

Jibberjabba · 04/12/2024 11:13

i don’t want to upset her, she sometimes calls me twice a day, I am there for her and want her to come through it but as a bystander I can see why sadly the marriage has broken down. She asks my opinions on why it has come to this, I haven’t said anything but we all should have accountability and respect in any relationship we form . I saw for many years the lack of respect, I would never treat my DH the way she did at times

Show quote history

I get what you're saying but don't forget, no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, only they know the real state of their relationship.

Brazenhussy0 · 04/12/2024 13:00

Jibberjabba · 04/12/2024 10:49

No I am not blaming but I’m saying I have had years of listening to criticism of her DH, she would criticise him when I was with them both. I am not condoning her DH affair, they should have split up previously. She isn’t taking any accountability for the issues in their relationship is a better way of putting it

Show quote history

She isn’t taking any accountability for the issues in their relationship is a better way of putting it

This^ right here is why she has so much hatred and anger towards the OW. Focusing on the OW allows the betrayed spouse to avoid any self-reflection about the relationship and their own part in its breakdown (and also allows negative feelings to be placed on a third party rather than the DH... so the marriage could still be saved.)

There are many different scenarios with affairs. In some cases it's a double betrayal if the affair partner is a friend or family member, but in other cases the OW is just as much a victim as the betrayed spouse.
Some people have "exit affairs" when their relationship has faded or gone sour, others are serial cheaters with low empathy and high entitlement.
But in every case, the cheater is the one who broke their word to their spouse and the blame for the betrayal lies squarely at their feet - relationships should always end before moving on to anyone new. Waiting around in a dead or failing relationship until the inevitable happens (i.e. you feel a spark with someone else) is never a good idea.

As for your friend, she will know her treatment of her DH wasn't fair and possibly contributed to the relationship breakdown. Lashing out at the OW with anger is how she is deflecting for the moment, but give her time to process her emotions fully and she will hopefully eventually come to a place where she realises that the relationship wasn't right. Try to support her despite her anger being difficult to deal with, OP. Her whole life has been turned upside down and if she's been quite dependent on her DH financially she's probably very scared at the moment too. Try to help her with the practicalities and encourage her to focus on that for now.

Original poster

Jibberjabba · 04/12/2024 13:22

Brazenhussy0 · 04/12/2024 13:00

She isn’t taking any accountability for the issues in their relationship is a better way of putting it

This^ right here is why she has so much hatred and anger towards the OW. Focusing on the OW allows the betrayed spouse to avoid any self-reflection about the relationship and their own part in its breakdown (and also allows negative feelings to be placed on a third party rather than the DH... so the marriage could still be saved.)

There are many different scenarios with affairs. In some cases it's a double betrayal if the affair partner is a friend or family member, but in other cases the OW is just as much a victim as the betrayed spouse.
Some people have "exit affairs" when their relationship has faded or gone sour, others are serial cheaters with low empathy and high entitlement.
But in every case, the cheater is the one who broke their word to their spouse and the blame for the betrayal lies squarely at their feet - relationships should always end before moving on to anyone new. Waiting around in a dead or failing relationship until the inevitable happens (i.e. you feel a spark with someone else) is never a good idea.

As for your friend, she will know her treatment of her DH wasn't fair and possibly contributed to the relationship breakdown. Lashing out at the OW with anger is how she is deflecting for the moment, but give her time to process her emotions fully and she will hopefully eventually come to a place where she realises that the relationship wasn't right. Try to support her despite her anger being difficult to deal with, OP. Her whole life has been turned upside down and if she's been quite dependent on her DH financially she's probably very scared at the moment too. Try to help her with the practicalities and encourage her to focus on that for now.

Show quote history

This is 💯 correct . She is v scared and I understand how vulnerable she must be feeling.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jibberjabba · 04/12/2024 13:26

DeliciousApples · 04/12/2024 12:04

I agree with you OP. But I imagine the wife isn't ready to accept yet.

If it's just a few weeks since the split then she's allowed to still be angry. If it's a year later she needs to move in from it and accept he's not coming back and things will need to change.

There are stages of grieving (for the relationship that's dead) to go through and she's still at the anger stage.

You could google and see what they are as I can't remember!

Maybe you could try and get her into a path along the lines of "he wasnt good enough for you. He wasn't the one. Look at all the times he pissed you off and you had arguments. He can go and piss someone else off now. And you can get on with your life without his irritating ass hanging around wanting the tv remote. What you have to do is make sure you get a fair settlement and a way to support yourself going forward so you can buy him out of the current house or get a new one. You deserve to be happy. He wasn't making you happy. Yes you had good times but then he pissed you off. So good riddance".

Great advice, at the moment I’m just listening I think down the line I will be able to say more. She’s def not at that stage yet

OP posts:

isthesolution · 04/12/2024 13:26

My dad had an affair. My mam always fully blamed the other woman (she definitely instigated it - my dad had money) but I believed more blame lay on my dad - he cheated on his wife!

My mam maintained 'he was tricked' and 'men can't help it'. I actually think it made it harder for her to get over as she still loved him and didn't place the blame on him at all.