Toxic parent expecting me to plan their funeral and administer their will

[Festiveyulelog]

My estranged parent recently offended me by giving me a sealed letter of their final wishes in terms of their funeral wishes and that sort of thing. They have nobody else, so probably just assumed I'd be willing to do it.
They just handed me the sealed document and said open it when they die. They've recently said and done some pretty wicked things and I have absolutely no love or respect for them.
I want to hand the letter back when i see them, saying I'm unwilling to help or have any involvement in seeing that their wishes are honoured. Frankly it's not my responsibility. I'm an only child and there's nobody else who is likely to be willing. But I don't want the burden. I should have said so and refused the letter when they handed it to me. I was just in shock and so offended that I was unable to think clearly at the time.

What have I just read?

@SometimesPunishThem97 what a vile response.

This is the biggest load of shite I have ever read on here and that takes some doing.

Is the funeral paid for? Or are they expecting you to do that as well?!

I think I'd be inclined to return it with a note saying 'I'm afraid I won't be able to do this. It may be wise to take out a funeral plan with a funeral director and explain your wishes to them'

I’m ignoring the religious loon. OP, I would keep it and when she dies, give it to a solicitor to open and deal with. Also be aware that it may contain a personal letter detailing all of your failings as a daughter and more widely. You don’t want to read that.

Is your parent the vindictive type? Are they likely to be 'putting thing right' in the letter? I.e could it be a big rant about how terrible you are as a daughter and they want to have the last word? If this is a possibility then I would either open it now (so you can get warning that they are leaving everything to your childhood bully/friends rich child) or, when they die burn the letter or get a friend to read it and tell you anything relevant (secret stash of cash behind a bed) but not anything about you.

I had a friend who got one of these letters after her mother's death. It was awful and really affected her for years afterwards. It was offensive, sexist bile and was gleefully explaining why she didn't get anything and her golden child brother got everything (who burned through it in a matter of years and ended up sleeping in his BMW before moving into a bedsit.) she wasn't expecting any money anyway.

'Return to sender'. Job done.

Sent it back to them with a short note stating that they need to engage a solicitor to deal with their final arrangements and that you want no part in this.

If you are estranged I assume you mean you have no contact? so you should remind them in the note as well that no contact means you don't want to hear from them about anything from now on...

Then get on with your life.

It sounds like they are still someone trying to manipulate you and get a rise out of you so you need to be firm with your boundaries.

That post has been deleted but I imagine it was by someone clueless about having toxic parents

It was a deluded, bible bashing, judgemental waste of space.

Probably containing something along the lines of they are your parents and you will be sorry when they are dead
Anyway OP, send the letter back to them unopened, they probably don't even want you to do anything after their death, its just a way to mess with you

Does the letter show you're cut out of the will?

I'd just bin it and refuse to help at the time. Avoid the drama of any conflict which is presumably what she wanted.

I don't think giving it back to her helps because she could just leave that as her last instruction anyway and you'd still have to deal with it.

At some point if you see her tell her she will be getting direct cremation if it's left to you to arrange and shed be best to sort her own funeral.

Like others I would say stick it in a drawer until the time comes, then open it if you want to or engage a solicitor to do it all. You never know you might be slightly reconciled by then. They can't force you to do anything, but handing it on to a solicitor is a humane gesture. As next of kin I expect the hospital, police or whoever is dealing with the death will contact you whether you want to be involved or not.

Assuming you don't want to inherit a penny, I think it's better to send it back as per pp suggestions ie with a neutral factual covering note e.g. "I will not be involved in anything to do with the distribution of your estate or arrangements for your funeral. Please make other arrangements that do not involve me."

This will enable you to feel you have communicated this and aren't going to feel any kind of confliction or obligation when the time comes

Be aware that the alternate arrangements they make may include a poisonous attacking letter to you to be sent after their death. Protect yourself from that when the time comes.

If you don't choose to do this, there is still no obligation to be involved. You have no responsibility to organise anything at all.

@Festiveyulelog DEFINITELY open it.

Someone I know inherited a valuable house because the old person had it in for his biological adult child.

It was pretty shocking, and a last ''up yours'' by the vindictive parent, who cleared off while the child was still at junior school.

The recipient of the valuable property encouraged their estrangement.

Believe me, there are plenty of gold diggers and chancers out there.

I would open the letter now so you have full information. You don't have to tell her you've opened it, and you can always say she never gave you it once she's dead if you want to.

I would definitely open it right away, just to learn what the parent is expecting. It won't commit you to anything.

If you are truly NC and not seeing each other, just don’t engage. Don’t acknowledge it. As others have said, when the time comes, you don’t actually have to do anything about it.

I am in the same boat with my mum. And also expected to handle her partner’s estate, etc as well because his family is also NC with them as well. It could very well be that before the time comes they will engage a solicitor of their own. They don’t even know where I live and I’m not really sure where they live either, despite this expectation. When the time comes, I’m not really sure what I’ll do, but I certainly won’t be compelled to do anything I’m not comfortable with. I’d just say no.

There's no legal duty or obligation on anyone to do anything for someone else's funeral or will. If you hand it back, it's feeding the beast in terms of the dynamic. I'd just ignore it, and move on.

You can't persuade a parent who failed you that badly that they're wrong. If they had the necessary insight, you wouldn't have had to cut them off to begin with. Just move on, and leave the pain and pointlessness behind you.

I've been there. I now have a happy life. I don't hate them - I pity them, actually. And I focus on my own family, and friends, and life, and being happy myself. I think of them less and less, and there's no pain now. I don't think I will feel anything at all when they die, and in that indifference lies freedom.

Just ignore the letter and the history and focus on the future. We get one life, as far as we know, and it sounds like this parent has wasted enough of your tears already.

I'd put a note on it saying I suggest you contact a funeral planner now and make your own arrangements under a payment plan I have no wish to organise or attend your funeral.

I'd open the letter now.
"Forewarned is forearmed" and all that.
If it's only a letter and not a Will it has no legal authority after the writer's death and can be ignored. It's an expression of their wishes not a royal command.

Or he? A lot of posters assuming the parent is female.

Why? It's not a legal requirement to evidence anything. When the letter is needed the person will be dead aka not OPs problem anymore.

If just ignore it or burn it.

I'd open the letter now.
Will you be inheriting any money from this persons death? If so I'd sort things out as it will save you lots of money. You can (usually) do a direct to crem funeral with no service whatsoever and they will even get rid of the ashes for you. We did this with my grandparents and my Dad. It was what they all wanted and what our family likes.

My Dad died in hospital and we organised almost everything by phone and online. We used the Co-Op, unfortuanately their payment systems were down so we did have to pop into one of their offices to pay other wise we could have done it entirely from home. We don't know the date he was cremated or where he was cremated. It was exactly how we all liked it.