Traumatic birth is ruining my marriage

[chasinghilltops]

I am desperate.

I had a traumatic birth over a year ago, during which my husband was so supportive and I couldn’t be more in love with him.

Since, he has been so distant, unsupportive and isn’t meeting my needs despite me being very clear with what I need him to do/say to help me. He’s made me feel guilty that I don’t consider his feelings because I almost died during childbirth and he had to deal with the emotions of that. Of course that’s traumatic for him and I do feel I have supported him through it. But he’s comparing that to everything I went through.

Because of how he’s acting now, I’m looking back at our experience and becoming resentful. He didn’t advocate for me and didn’t fight for our voices to be heard during an extremely traumatic experience and I’m struggling to get over that.

Now, he’ll say things are that are inconsiderate or talk over me when I try to speak about my birth experience. He’s so dismissive about the whole situation and I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. We’re fighting all the time and I just can’t see a way through this.

Please tell me it’s the strain of the trauma and we’ll get past it. He was the love of my life and I feel like I’m losing my best friend as well as my husband.

I’m sorry for the long post, I don’t really know what I’m looking for here. Maybe a little bit of hope xx

Ah man this won't go away on its own. He watched you helpless nearly die. He's probably stuck in a loop and not much use to anyone.

I don't even know what to suggest, it has to come from him. Maybe start with a birth debrief and ask him to get some counselling. Or at least hook up with a group for men who have had similar experiences. I think men find talking to other men who have been through it helpful.

It sounds like you've both been traumatised by the experience. Would you consider therapy? Probably both individual and couples work. Can you contact your local maternal mental health service and self- refer?

You've both been through such a difficult experience and then had no time to process as your focus will have been on your baby. Contact the birth trauma association for understanding and support for both of you https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org/

Hi there it's a labour ward midwife. I feel sorry for both you and your husband. Labour could be unpredictable and often scary. I wouldn't hold against your husband he didn't advocate more for you at the time. He probably trusted your care team with your care. It's sadly not uncommon to both mum and dad to end up very traumatised and sometimes with PTSD. Women and men process things differently. I am sorry this experience it tearing your marriage apart. Have you thought about getting a debrief appointment from the hospital to go through your labour events? Or trauma informed therapy? The first option would be free. You can ask your GP to refer you for counselling. I think your husband would benefit from therapy too. I hope it helps

Really feel for you, it's tough having a newborn and adjusting to that without trauma for you both on top. Hope you get some support, sounds like you both need support. You will get through it but I'd guess support is pretty essential. Sending hugs ♥️ (couple counselling saved us- though my OH was very against it initially- after first session that completely changed though.) Good luck. Xx

It sounds like you both need some counselling tbh. Going through a traumatic birth is bad of course but also it must be awful watching someone you love almost die

I am not sure whether this will be helpful to hear but this is a large part of the reason why I left my dds dad when she was 6 months old. To be fair there were a lot of other issues as well but things were just as you described and I just felt I couldn’t move on from it. She’s 21 (years old) now and it was definitely the right decision.

Actually I think he’s being an arsehole. Yes it was a trauma for him too, but it happened to you.

I'm sorry for everything you've been through. It is possible to move past this. Your relationship may be changed but it may even end up stronger than before. My dh and i were both very traumatized by our dcs birth. We both ended up with ptsd, mine more serious than his.

It's incredibly hard to advocate for someone you love when things are going wrong against drs and nurses. I'm absolutely certain your dh did the best he could under the circumstances.

You both need trauma counselling separately and then maybe together as well. Neither of you are wrong to feel the way you feel but if you want to resolve it then you need to seek help outside the relationship because neither of you are qualified to help the other.

We had a birth debrief and then my dh had cbt and i had cbt and emdr therapy as well which did help massively.

Having been through the same thing myself I really feel for both you and your husband. I would also urge you to seek therapy from someone who is experienced with trauma and somatic work . Emotions are held in the body . Both of you need separate counselling.

So because he has not spent over a year being ordered around by the op he is an areshole how have you reached this conclusion, this will have to end sometime and this endless going over it can not be healthy for the baby

You marriage could end over this constant need will it be worth it?

Now, he’ll say things are that are inconsiderate or talk over me when I try to speak about my birth experience. He’s so dismissive about the whole situation and I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. We’re fighting all the time and I just can’t see a way through this.

As i say i don't think he's the right person for you to talk this over with - if he's still struggling with it himself, he's way too close to it to give you the support you need with it all. Him dismissing you might be his way of protecting himself. He's not being an arsehole and i don't think it's helpful for people to tell you he's being an arsehole. In my case, yes the actually physical trauma happened to me, but my dh had to stand by, on his own, not knowing if me and dc had died or not. The fact we came out of it alive doesn't undo the trauma of what he went through. That's why ptsd also includes situations where there was fear of death and serious injury, even if no death or serious injury occurred. Because it's traumatizing.

Is there anyone else you can talk to when you need to discuss your experience? Mum/sister/friend?

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. Birth trauma is so real and the effects on all aspects of your life can be enormous. I think you're both suffering from PTSD and that is going to get in the way of just muddling through this I truly believe trauma counselling is the only way to handle something like this. As difficult as it is not to compare how you're both feeling and how of course logically it's worse because it happened to you, I really think you can't discount your OH's experience. Watching someone nearly die is a life changing event in itself, watching the person you love most in the world literally nearly die before your very eyes and feeling utterly helpless is horrendous. I'm not standing up for his poor behaviour now but to an extent it can probably be explained.

I really do think you both need to find good counsellers to help you through this and then also have counselling together. Consider also a hospital debrief together if you feel you want to understand the events of your birth in more detail and have any outstanding questions answered. I think saving your relationship is definitely doable if you're both open and committed. I really feel for you it's an awful place to be after all you've been through.

When you've been traumatized your brain can get stuck in a loop of remembering and flashbacks which can be retraumatizing over and over again. Very few people can cure themselves of ptsd. She needs help and support, not judgement.

Telling a traumatised woman that her trauma is damaging her baby is fucking cruel.

He’s talking over her and dismissing her experience and saying his experience as an onlooker is equal to hers: the problem is him.

It sounds like this won't go away on its own and you need some therapy to move on.

I can imagine your husband is ready to move on and maybe trying to stop you from keep reliving it (not the right thing of course but in his eyes this was over a year ago and men are men)

Please have some therapy and begin to enjoy life again without this defining you

He’s made me feel guilty that I don’t consider his feelings because I almost died during childbirth and he had to deal with the emotions of that. Of course that’s traumatic for him and I do feel I have supported him through it. But he’s comparing that to everything I went through

Thats fucked up.

What was he like before you had the baby?

Echoing this, everything happens so fast, you were surrounded by professionals and he felt hopeless. He himself is working through trauma of it, perhaps he is processing himself and can’t face talking about it, recalling it and you feel the need to talk about it but he finds it painful. I think you would both benefit from therapy. You are just dealing with it differently. We were there, we had a traumatic birth with dd and then 4 years later almost lost ds to meningitis, we both processed it differently and needed therapy

OP watching someone you love almost die is horrific. I know the trauma actually happened to you but he will have felt utterly helpless and terrified. You both need counselling- you need to stop 'competing' about who had it worst at an event a year ago. Neither of you knows exactly what the other went through.

He may be talking over you because he's tired of hearing about it and having to process the memories again when he doesn't want to.

Get professional help or you may lose your husband and have to raise your child alone.

It is horrible seeing someone you love suffering.

I've been through trauma and watched DP go through trauma. Watching him was worse. Actually seeing him heartbroken watching me screaming in pain and fear is the worst memory of my birth.

So don't downplay what he went through. I think you could do with some counselling to move on from it.

Speaking from my own experience of traumatic birth, i needed both a debrief whilst in hospital and several counselling sessions afterwards.
DH also struggled massively and I don't mean this in a dismissive way. He couldn't cope with hearing about it over and over as it stopped him moving on from the experience.
Initially I needed to talk about it but found it was better to speak to someone who hadn't also been present, who could see it from an external perspective and help me rationalise.
I was also medicated for approx 6 months, under a consultant for 20 months.
It doesn't need to turn into a blame scenario. DH wouldn't of known what to do for the best when I was so unwell and baby was struggling also. He was dependent on medical professionals to make those decisions.
You lived the experience in your way and he in his. In the nicest way a year on you need to be working toward moving on from the experience with appropriate support from professionals so that it doesn't consume you.
Your own DH probably feels guilt at not being able to help and also feels the need to try and move on from the experience.
I hope it all works out OK for you both x

I would definitely look to trauma therapy in this scenario before you give up on your relationship, I'm sorry this is such a hurtful situation for you.

Definitely therapy for both of you so you can try to pull together instead of against each other.

His reactions aren’t ideal but all you can do is work on your own. He may sound dismissive as he doesn’t want to talk about it or be reminded of it rather than because he genuinely doesn’t care about your experience.

It’s very difficult for one human being to “meet the needs” of another - and it may be unrealistic to expect him to. You may need to meet your own needs and come to peace with that within yourself.

I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for not advocating for you as it’s an overwhelming intimidating environment and he probably didn’t know how.

Really helpful post.

It sounds absolutely terrible for both of you. Don't get trapped into playing 'My trauma is worse than your trauma'. Sometimes hard things are just hard - it's not a competition. It very much sounds like you could both use some counselling - maybe a bit separately and then some together, but with the same counsellor. Remind yourselves that it's been horrific for you both because you WANT to be alive and well and together so very much and nearly weren't.