Traumatic birth is ruining my marriage

[chasinghilltops]

I am desperate.

I had a traumatic birth over a year ago, during which my husband was so supportive and I couldn’t be more in love with him.

Since, he has been so distant, unsupportive and isn’t meeting my needs despite me being very clear with what I need him to do/say to help me. He’s made me feel guilty that I don’t consider his feelings because I almost died during childbirth and he had to deal with the emotions of that. Of course that’s traumatic for him and I do feel I have supported him through it. But he’s comparing that to everything I went through.

Because of how he’s acting now, I’m looking back at our experience and becoming resentful. He didn’t advocate for me and didn’t fight for our voices to be heard during an extremely traumatic experience and I’m struggling to get over that.

Now, he’ll say things are that are inconsiderate or talk over me when I try to speak about my birth experience. He’s so dismissive about the whole situation and I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. We’re fighting all the time and I just can’t see a way through this.

Please tell me it’s the strain of the trauma and we’ll get past it. He was the love of my life and I feel like I’m losing my best friend as well as my husband.

I’m sorry for the long post, I don’t really know what I’m looking for here. Maybe a little bit of hope xx

Agree with much of what has been said above. It sounds like some therapy or counselling both separately and together would be helpful.

What I would add is that the early years with a baby and recovering from birth etc. is so tough for many couples. It's not a good time to make big decisions about your relationship. My birth itself was fine but we had a tough time in the hospital for nearly 10 days afterwards with my twins, with some traumatic moments, and honestly just dealing with that and learning how to parent together made us argue, struggle with communication etc. We were physically and emotionally exhausted. I promise that all gets better. Give it time.

You were in the same place but from totally different angles. Have you ever explained to each other how you felt at the time and how that affects you now, in a non judgmental/competing way? Obviously this is difficult to do now you have a baby who takes priority in your lives, but do you really understand his trauma? Does he really understand yours? Have you accessed your medical notes to see what happened and why decisions were made? You can ask for a review.
I've had a similar experience. It's horrific. Fear, regret, shoulda woulda coulda, hindsight can all mess either way you both. Maybe write it down to explain each other or consider some counselling. You're on the same team. This is worth investing time to resolve.

All the best. I hope you continue to heal

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a traumatic experience. I would recommend both you and your husband look at therapy - for trauma, EMDR is evidence-based and can be really effective, much more so than traditional talking therapy.

I had a similar experience to you in that I had a traumatic birth and my DH did not advocate for me in the way I’d anticipated. It took me a long time to understand what had happened and why he’d reacted like that and I also felt quite betrayed. I will say we came through it and I was very candid about what I needed when we had our second child - and he really stepped up. But it took some work and some acknowledging from both of us.

I also found the Birth Trauma Association helpful, especially their closed Facebook page, along with getting my medical notes and having a birth reflections appointment.

He didn’t advocate for me and didn’t fight for our voices to be heard during an extremely traumatic experience and I’m struggling to get over that.

It happened to you, but he will probably have been feeling totally helpless and terrified.

My DH was far more upset by my PPH than I was because I was barely conscious, whereas he was watching it all unfold. I basically don't remember it.

However, none of that makes it ok for him to be dismissive of you. It sounds like you'd benefit maybe from some proper therapy/counselling - I'd say that even if your husband was being amazing, because it does sound like you are struggling with the trauma of it.

He is your husband not your therapist. If you have unresolved trauma you really need to see a professional you can't expect him to be your sounding board indefinitely.

isn’t meeting my needs despite me being very clear with what I need him to do/say to help me
What do you want him to do or say?

Because of how he’s acting now, I’m looking back at our experience and becoming resentful. He didn’t advocate for me and didn’t fight for our voices to be heard during an extremely traumatic experience and I’m struggling to get over that.
Are you now blaming him, for things possibly not in his control then, because he can't/won't keep rehashing it with you now?

I agree with counselling both together and separate because it was a traumatic event for both of you albeit in different ways. Recognising that is an important step forward - you were both there and involved in it.

we also support the idea of a mother being n traumatised by the idea of losing her child - here I assume he was dealing with the idea of losing both his wife and child - being an onlooker brings a sense of trauma in its own right

He cannot be dismissive or try to ignore the after effects that this had had on both of your - the only way forward is to accept and try to move forward and if he refuses that then it is over.

and therapy

DP had an episode a few years ago after weeks of migraines where she was unwakeable. It took paramedics taking her to hospital before she came round.

It was unpleasant for her, but for the worst of it she was unconscious. For me and DD though, it was absolutely terrifying.

Years later, I still hate talking about it, as does DD. We both thought we were losing DP, and it scared the crap out of us.

I'm not for a second suggesting that what you went through @chasinghilltops is lesser than what your husband went through, but it is different. And every time you want to talk about your trauma, you're bringing his back to the surface. Itay be that this isn't something you can ever really discuss together, you may need to find your support on this from other sources.

I have trauma from my child nearly dying. It happened to her. Am I also an arsehole?

Traumatic experiences are very much personal. Yea the trauma occurred to you. And that is awful. But his trauma was watching it and not being able to do anything. It also sounds like you blame him that's very heavy load to carry and genuinely in a medical situation most of us will default to following the professionals.

I kindly would suggest you both engage with trauma specific counselling.

@LadySad was just about to post similar. Trauma impacts everyone differently and I still nearly 12 years on have panic dreams of nearly losing my youngest.

He was only 19 days old so has thankfully none. So I am grateful that it is me who has this.

@Alalalala your comment is absolutely insulting and disgusting. Nobody has a clue how these issues impact loved ones. Shame on you for dismissing his pain.