I can't work any of this out

[Misscloudycat]

Married 13 years, together 20. 3 children. We met at school. I think a lot of what I accept is due to being raped as a teenager and it having such an impact on my self esteem.

About a year ago DH had a message from someone at work saying she loved him. He brushed it off as banter but since then there has been constant messaging, late night phone calls, weekend phone calls etc etc. Always about work apparently. He's met her parents. Meanwhile life at home is shit. He shouts at me constantly, belittles and tells me off. Shouting at the kids all the time and generally not being a great parent. He doesn't sleep in the same bed as me anymore. I feel so lonely. But then he is so ignorant to it all, gaslights me when I try and bring it up and seems totally oblivious to how I'm feeling. He's going about things as if we are fine, normal but he won't enforce boundaries with this other woman and doesn't even seem to care about anything to do with me anymore. He'll then switch and say he loves me and he'll try and hug me.

My head is in a mess. Leaving sounds on paper the next step but it's huge. I just feel like I need to make peace with never being happy but I don't know how to do that.

I don't suppose the message saying this woman loved your DH came out of the blue OP. There must have been a developing relationship for her to tell him that. And instead of shutting her down he has intensified his relationship with her. You are not sharing a bed and his behaviour towards you is appalling.

I'm sorry OP but it honestly sounds as though your marriage is over. He is conducting an emotional affair with his woman at the very least.

Time to gather your dignity and strength and self respect and make a plan to separate. There’s a chance he’s one of those who doesn’t want to upset the states quo at home while he’s having his affair so he may object. Maybe though he’s trying to make things shit at home so you’re the one to call it off and he doesn’t need to feel guilty. That’s common.

Is the affair partner also in a relationship?

I really appreciate your reply, thank you. I just don't know where to find the strength to have my whole world flipped upside down.

He says she was just joking and it was a friendly love you type statement. In my heart I know I'd never speak to a colleague that way if there wasn't an emotional connection.

I think we are both in that place of upsetting the status quo is scary.
I don't think she's in a relationship, she's not married.

@Misscloudycat trust your gut instinct, I'd be very suspicious about it all. Sorry its such a shit time

I really feel for you. But you can do this! And you must! Leave him.

He’s met her parents! How has he explained that away?

I think you must know he’s checked out of the relationship. You deserve better 🌺

Honestly I feel so bad for you. I did read this and (sorry if this hurts to hear) my first thoughts were he’s got one foot out of the door and is going to leave. Guilt, obligation and maybe the fear of the unknown about whether it would work with her are all that is stopping him.

My advice would be to stop trying to fix a marriage that is broken because no single one person can fix it. It needs both people committed to fixing it and he’s literally more committed to maintaining whatever he has with her than making you feel happy and secure in your relationship.

My advice would be to look at all the usual advice on here about “ducks in a row” and ensuring you and DCs will be okay if/when the marriage ends. Think finances (get your hands on things like his pension statements, bank statements, mortgage statements) living arrangements, child care, and then get some legal advice. Could you realistically afford to buy him out? Is there enough equity in the property to get yourself a suitable home? Do you need to be working more hours to afford it? I’d say do this quickly and quietly. You don’t want to alert him to you getting ahead of him.
Be in a position that when he leaves it’s sad, but not a total bomb being dropped on your life where you are scrabbling around to figure out all the practicalities for your new life after him whilst processing the heartache. If you know you will ultimately be okay, you’ll be less scared and unlikely to do anything you might later regret (like begging him to stay).

They were on their way out to breakfast (something they do a lot) and bumped into them apparently, so joined them for a meal together.

But why would he tell me if it wasn't innocent? Most of the stuff I know is through him telling me.

I've explained to him that even if there's nothing going on I don't trust her boundaries as she relies so much on him and it's mostly her calling him etc. Not always. And when he calls her it's in secret. I only know because I'm struggling so much with sleeping at the moment it's the only time I check his phone. I do know that's not healthy and that probably says a lot about me at the moment...

Thank you. I earn a decent ish wage but we have an extravagant lifestyle atm. He controls all finances. I don't even have a bank card to our joint account, just have it on my phone. I do need to do this.

Our house is probably worth about 550k, we probably own about 300k of that.

He's telling you the odd bit that he fears might get back to you by other channels. Maybe he spotted someone you know when seeing her parents and thought this person would tell you.

My guess is he's telling you the tip of the iceberg. Something serious amd life altering for all concerned is definitely afoot.

Can you get therapy to deal with the trauma you experienced? Any rape crisis centre nearby?

I've had a lot of therapy earlier on in life. It addressed the trauma, insofar as its stopped the flashbacks, stopped the ptsd etc. I didn't realise there was still such a crushing impact on my self esteem.

I'm not looking for anyone else (although I'd love to feel loved). I just want to be happy in life.

I've had really intrusive thoughts every night I go to bed about killing myself. I wouldn't do anything but the thoughts are always there. I searched a text helpline and went to message them only to see 4 years ago I was messaging about struggling with my dh who was constantly shouting at me. I hadn't realised he'd been that way with me for that long.

He isn’t having an affair. He’s having a full blown relationship with this woman. She obviously knows he’s married but he will have told her that you’re awful and he’s only staying for the kids, etc. She’ll be the light of his life. He’s telling you bits of their relationship, which apparently involves them being in love, because he is an abusive asshole, because he wants to push you to end the relationship so he can be the poor guy who you left and took away his kids. Alternatively, he doesn’t want to have to split his assets with you so he’s just keeping you at home, looking after his kids, keeping the house clean and tidy, doing his washing and cooking his meals, whilst he swans about with his real girlfriend. You’re basically his maid and child care provider.

Get to a lawyer. Find out what your entitled to. Get clued up on how much he will have to pay in child maintenance when you leave with the children. Find a new place to live. Rent if you have to. Go to women’s aid and they will help you make an exit plan because he is emotionally abusing you AND the children. Tell him nothing.

Leave him to his harlot and you go and build a nice life for yourself and the children, in a peaceful household, where you don’t have to put up with his abuse. And then one day, you might meet someone who will treat you right. This current situation is all wrong. You deserve better.

You are lonely now. He isn’t giving you what you need.
If you are lonely on your own, at least you’re not being shouted at for it.
It’s a massive step but for your own self you need to start thinking about what the long term consequences of staying might be.
Keep posting your thoughts here, it’ll help you to start decluttering your mind

Thank you to everyone for your advice and for not minding me posting. It is helping me just by seeing it written down.

He can be so normal, today we put the tree up, he's suggested watching a film...he's totally oblivious to this almost double side he has. Maybe not totally oblivious. He says its stress. We both have fairly big jobs with their own stresses.

You need to start fighting back love.

End the relationship, even if you remain in the home.
Do not do anything for this heartless man, grey rock him and build up your strength.

He is treating you so badly, no sex, no food, no washing, ironing, no admin to make his life run smoothly, the bare minimum, deal only with the children.

Cut off his family, they are siding with this git.
He has ended your marriage so do not give him any benefits.
When you feel stronger get your financials in place so you are ready to make future decisions, he sounds like a cake eater as he is still in the family home after a year.

He needs repercussions and some consequenses of his actions.
You sound depressed, no wonder, you need to find your anger and fire.

Is this ow married ?

Men like him are really good with putting situations into a box - so he'll be quite happy to pretend happy families, meanwhile he'll be texting his girlfriend behind the scenes telling her what a terrible time he's having and how he wishes he was with her.

But why would he tell me if it wasn't innocent? Most of the stuff I know is through him telling me.

He's got a severe case of mentionitis about her and is feeding you all sorts of information that you don't need to know but he can't stop himself. He's an utter bastard and you deserve so much better. You'll feel like the weight of the world is lifted when you can get him out of your life.

But why would he tell me if it wasn't innocent? Most of the stuff I know is through him telling me

It’s sort of hiding it in plain sight. If he tells you things about their relationship he has less to think about keeping secret.

Scroll through the Relationship section. I think you’ll find many, many posts that will describe situations similar to your own. His behaviour is pretty much standard for a man having an affair, checking out and running the script.

I have to say him telling you he has met her parents is unusual but not unheard of. It actually happened to me. He said her parents wanted to meet someone she worked with as they lived far away and worried about her. A couple of weeks later I came home unexpectedly and found them in our bed.

You know your relationship isn’t good and he is probably having an affair. But even if he isn’t and just won’t talk about the problems you’re having, then it’s over unless you want to be unhappy forever.

Thank you
He definitely has mentionitis. It's stopped recently since I challenged another phone call but yes previously it had been constant.

I do think I'm depressed, which also can't be easy for him to live with. I'm on medication which tbh is only just making me feel totally void of feelings, totally numb.

I sat with the children this morning, they were so excited about the elf arriving and wondered about if the elf would do certain things, listing off x, y and z that the elf has done previously. All of these things were ones I had done. DH did the elf last night, it was minimal effort. I know how the elf is set up isn't an indicator of much but I'm starting to see the effort he's putting into our family is wildly different to mine.

Doesn’t matter that it’s a minor thing you have noticed. It’s a start to see how he doesn’t meet your standards and that you deserve your expectations to be met at minimum half way
Keep your eyes and mind open and close your heart to encompass only yourself and your children when with him.

Oh OP. So sorry you're dealing with this. You might feel that your current situation is unchangeable, that you are powerless to improve what must be hell to live in. But I want to tell you that's absolutely not true

The way to get through this is by taking control. Of your and your children's lives and by removing this shit of a man from it. Currently he's having his cake and eating it and he needs to know that you won't tolerate this any longer. You are not his maid and nanny, you are an equal partner who deserves to be treated with respect, and this is not it.

Google relationship 180. People only realise what they have, when it's gone. This technique shows the abusive partner that they are no longer needed, no longer in control. The beauty is also, that usually by pretending you don't need him, you'll start to realise, very quickly, that you really don't. And your life will improve immeasurably once you no longer have to deal with this behaviour from someone who is supposed to love you.

Look at the positives. You have your DC, your health, a good job and a lot of equity. You're in a much stronger position than most. You CAN do this. Get your ducks in a row, keep your powder dry, then, when you're ready, you control the narrative of your divorce. Not him. You've got this. Trust me, from experience.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

He’s a piece of work.

I think he is having an affair and likely with this woman. He will have told her you’re unstable or some such crap so that he can’t leave you. Even if he isn’t, it doesn’t sound like your relationship can be saved to me.

Some great advice above especially practical advice from @Nodlikeyouwerelistening

Quietly go about gathering financial info and seeing a solicitor. Be ready to act if needed.

Start having some counselling again to help you gather strength. Honestly, if you leave this man, start a new life without him, I think you’ll feel more in charge of your life and far less lonely than you do now.

He shouldn’t be controlling all the finances. That’s abusive behaviour as is being nice then nasty on repeat so that you’re confused. The relief when you take charge will be palpable. You will probably find you’ll manage fine on your money plus any maintenance and wonder how he managed to blow so much on extravagant things.

Start with small practical steps. You’ll be ok.

💐

I felt really sad reading your post. It sounds almost impossible that he's not having at least an emotional if not a physical affair, but even if he isn't, his treatment of you and your dc is really not ok and it sound like it has been going on for years. No wonder you're suffering from depression - i'd imagine this will lift once you're free of him.

Id ask myself, theoretically if you could find irrefutable proof that he isn't being unfaithful, would you want to try and make it work? Do you still love him? Does he say he loves you?

You say you feel numb and might have depression - this is tough for you, but if he still had any investment in the relationship, it's probably also tough for him too. Can you try to talk about this with him?

You'd be well within your rights to end it today based on what you say, But if you want to do what you can to be able to at least say you have given it your all is couples therapy something you'd both consider? Can you tell him how unhappy you are and ask him to step back from messaging / calling the OW to give you both a chance to work on the relationship? Why are you not sharing a bed? This will exacerbate any distance between yous - can you address this?

He's given you more than just cause to suspect his infidelity and so checking his phone is completely understandable for your own sanity.