I can't work any of this out

[Misscloudycat]

Married 13 years, together 20. 3 children. We met at school. I think a lot of what I accept is due to being raped as a teenager and it having such an impact on my self esteem.

About a year ago DH had a message from someone at work saying she loved him. He brushed it off as banter but since then there has been constant messaging, late night phone calls, weekend phone calls etc etc. Always about work apparently. He's met her parents. Meanwhile life at home is shit. He shouts at me constantly, belittles and tells me off. Shouting at the kids all the time and generally not being a great parent. He doesn't sleep in the same bed as me anymore. I feel so lonely. But then he is so ignorant to it all, gaslights me when I try and bring it up and seems totally oblivious to how I'm feeling. He's going about things as if we are fine, normal but he won't enforce boundaries with this other woman and doesn't even seem to care about anything to do with me anymore. He'll then switch and say he loves me and he'll try and hug me.

My head is in a mess. Leaving sounds on paper the next step but it's huge. I just feel like I need to make peace with never being happy but I don't know how to do that.

Today he's been so different, it makes me feel like I'm going mad thinking of throwing it all away.

Yesterday I had a look at houses just to see if it would even be possible to move out. It would. That fills me with some confidence that I have options so thank you to the posters who have gently encouraged me.

I need to address the anger with him. When I've tried he point blank denies it's irrational. Yesterday our youngest spilled something in the car and he went mad, catastrophising and saying how he'd need to pull over, this is why they shouldn't have food in the car etc. I could see how sad my youngest was, it was an accident and I don't want my children feeling scared of him. He can't see that though.

The days I'm at work feel easier, I think because I can be me, I can be independent and I don't always feel a failure.

I've got a lot of thinking to do!

There is a specific time during the peiod when you start to feel suspicious and begin to notice over reactions on their part, basically you can't do right for wrong.
In months to come if he has had his head turned you will despair about how much you put up with during this period.

It essentially magnifies their nature so I'm getting he may have been a complainer, they believe to keep something covered up if they act as 'normal' ie a bit of an arsehole you won't see their change of feeling high with a new relationship.
Other men turn up the niceness stakes to cover up, usually the cheerier ones, you know him best op but a warning if he is a complaining, moaning, sulking bastard, these types can become aggressive when confronted.

Keep safe, don't hesitate to call the police if he intimidates you.

That level of anger is enough in itself to give you reason to separate. That must have been very scary for your poor child
He sounds a bit unhinged

This is about safety. Start to frame it in that way. Safety does bring you happiness.

He is unsafe for you. He is bullish, mean and most likely involved in an affair. He is unsafe emotionally, mentally and sexually.

You can feel safe again by leaving this creep. That feeling will bring you the happiness that has evaded you for so long.

I know it's scary but life changes are. The trouble is the anxiety and fear you're living under is much MUCH worse.

Get your child and yourself out of there and start to live. Be your own best friend.

OP please open your own account and get your wage paid into it. You can move money for bills across to the joint account.

Review your spending.

Go see your GP and explain how you feel. The suicidal thoughts.

Look for a house to move to.

Alternatively sit him down and tell him you want him to leave this month and he needs to look for somewhere urgently . It’s not up for discussion, you’ve made your mind up, the house can go up for sale February. .

I couldnt help noticing that you said you felt depressed OP! No wonder you are depressed anyone would be in your position.
He is clearly the cause of your depression I bet without Mr Angry and Shouty in your home you will feel much happier.
And please don't think you need to "do something " today. I remember when I did my degree in modern history, one of our great 19th century statesmen, I think it was Gladstone, said the constant " do something " pressure when he was Prime Minister created so many problems because people gave in to it and did the wrong bloody thing!
Take some time to think through and look up how to do it. Also check out Chump Lady, she might be American but she is awesome!

Just want to wish you well. I hope you manage to leave and have a much happier life.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP.
Please take back some control by opening your own bank account and getting your wages paid in there. He has too much power over your finances and you need financial independence to leave

Thanks everyone for your words.
I'm considering doing a SAR for the police statement I made about the rape. I've blocked a lot of it out and I'm wondering if that will help me get an understanding of my journey and who I am. I'm also worried it may be too much but I'm thinking I need to grow in myself a bit more.

He's been so nice to me the last week or so, I'm really thinking this is all in my head.

This is the cycle of abuse.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse

Please read this. It will help you get a clearer understanding of the abuse

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

OP, please leave him for DC’s sake. Growing up with an aggressive parent ruins a child’s life.

He can sense your confusion.
Abusive men are very sensitive to their victims pulling away.

You are being financially abused too.
You need to get information together of all accounts.
Set up your own account.
Have your salary sent there.
Talk to Women's aid about his abuse of you and the children.
Get legal advice.
You can do this.

I really appreciate all of the support thank you.
I'm a bit overwhelmed by the word abuse. I recognise that cycle, it's only shouting and losing his temper verbally, he gets cross and frustrated with me. He doesn't call me names. He's stressed because of work and will only prioritise work.

My mind is all over the place. I'm so sorry I'm so weak and not able to know what to do.

it's only shouting and losing his temper verbally, he gets cross and frustrated with me

thats abuse. He raises his voice and shows aggression to make you obey him. It’s to keep you in line. And abuse never gets better. It only ever escalates. How long will it be before he starts calling you names or raises a hand to you?

It’s not your fault. It’s not things you do or don’t do. He is CHOOSING to behave this way because he can and because it benefits him. Does he behave this way at work? With friends? I bet he doesn’t. Work stress is NOT an excuse to allow him to treat you this way.

Let me ask you this, would he be ok with another man shouting and losing his temper at you the way he does? If he wouldn’t let a stranger behave like that towards you, why is it ok for him to behave that way? It’s not. It’s never ok.

Have you read this? If not, I really think you should.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

He is gaslighting you to make you feel like you’re losing your mind, when you talk to him he denies it ever happened so you start doubting yourself. You never know if he will be Jekyll or Hyde when he is home so you’re always walking on eggshells. He mentions this woman a lot and they phone and message each other all the time so you know something is going on with them. He is chipping away at you bit by bit making you doubt reality and not trust yourself in order to break you, he doesn’t want you to feel strong enough to say you’ve had enough and the marriage is over because that takes the control from him. He needs to be in control of whether to leave with ow or stay in the marriage if it goes belly up.
You need to realise your marriage is over, you don’t need to check his phone etc looking for proof, he is not to be trusted and is trying to send you mad. He knows if you divorce the assets will be split so he wants you a gibbering wreck so he can screw you out of a decent settlement and threaten to take your dc away to tip you over the edge.
Stay strong, believe yourself and leave him, do it for yourself and your children for a happy life.

This

@Misscloudycat javw you managed to get active with anything at all ?
Ordered a bank card ?

Looked for paperwork ?
start doing these thing one step at a time . Maybe once you have info you won’t feel so overwhelmed ok your next steps .

Can you seek Counseling privately away from
your husband? Ok your lunch break once a week ?

Find the courage to end this . It is abuse .

Dont. Let your children watch him be like this to you .

@Misscloudycat It sounds like deep down you both know the marriage is over however a lot of people are too scared to leave the safety net of a long term relationship. Which is why people stay and then have affairs. It sounds like your husband is - at best - over stepping with another woman and - at worst - (and most likely) having an emotional and/or physical affair. People will often throw breadcrumbs to their partner to keep up status quo so I really wouldn’t read too much into him being nicer for a few days. You don’t sleep in the same bedroom anymore and alongside all the other stuff you have mentioned, there’s not much substance to your marriage. No affection, no quality time, no intimacy, no enjoyment, no respect.