Struggling with my wife’s past infidelity – don’t know how to cope

[TheLivelyBlueDreamer]

Hi everyone,

I don’t even know where to begin. I’m a 61-year-old man living with ME (myalgic encephalomyelitis), which has made life incredibly difficult over the years. On top of the constant exhaustion, brain fog, and physical limitations, I’ve now found myself grappling with something I never thought I’d have to deal with: betrayal.

I recently found out that my wife, who is now 59, had an affair back in 2014. She met this man – no, boy – online when he was just 16. They struck up some kind of connection over three years, and then, when he turned 19, they met and slept together. The age difference is staggering. At the time, she would’ve been 49. Nearly 30 years older than him.

I can’t seem to wrap my head around it. I keep asking myself: Why? Why would a woman in her late 40s, someone I’ve loved and trusted for decades, go out and do something like that? Was it the thrill? Some sort of midlife crisis? Did I stop being enough for her?

The worst part is how she handled it afterward. From what I’ve pieced together, after they slept together, she completely ignored him. She just dropped him like he didn’t matter. That coldness has really shaken me because it’s a side of her I didn’t think existed. How could someone I thought I knew so well be capable of something like this?

I can’t stop picturing her with him – some young guy, barely more than a boy, with his whole life ahead of him. And here I am, struggling to get through the day because my illness leaves me drained of everything – energy, joy, hope. Maybe that’s what pushed her away. I’ve always feared I was a burden to her because of my health. Maybe I was right.

She says it’s in the past and that she loves me. But how can I trust that? If she could hide this from me for so long, what else don’t I know? And how do I stop these feelings of inadequacy, anger, and humiliation from eating me alive?

I want to forgive her. I really do. But I feel like a shell of myself – physically, emotionally, mentally. I can’t help but feel like I’m not good enough, like I’ll never be enough.

Have any of you been through something similar? How do you move forward? How do you look at someone you thought you knew, someone you built your life with, and not see them in a completely different light?

Sorry if this is rambling. I’m just lost. Any advice would mean the world right now.

Thank you,
Iain

Counselling. Individual counselling for you to work through your feelings and get your head around this revelation. After that, you’re wife will need to put in the required work to rebuild trust. That will take whatever form you need it to. You can work that out in your counselling sessions. After that, if she’s willing to work on the marriage, do marriage counselling. But please do individual counselling first. This is a lot to work through and you would do well to have professional support.

How did you find all this out?

I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who groomed a 16 year old, if it was someone older I could probably forgive.

I'd be pretty repelled by that. A 46 year old grooming a 16 year old, then having sex with them three years later. And the 46-49 year old is married.

Sorry, I don't have a solution for you.

I know. Its ruined me.
And he messaged me to tell me, to answer the person above.

It is repellent.

I was ready to say being a carer is hard and affairs are very common for people living with long term caring needs.

But a 16 yo? I couldn't forgive that.

I know, She said, "He made me feel attractive and wanted". She flew to another part of the UK to stay near his house for three days. You all probably think I'm a mug. We have two kids, been married 35 years next year.

That’s really grotesque.
However, there is a sex worker in her 70’s who says she has a lot of young clients with granny fetishes.
They aren’t children though!
Grooming at 16 is repellent.

I've responded to your other post about this. Not sure why it's posted twice

Must have posted it twice by accident.

Op I'm so sorry this if awful to go through.

Definitely recommend individual counselling first. Your partner should be in charge of her own recovery and doing as much as possible from their side for the relationship recovery should you wish to continue the relationship. For now you just need to concentrate on how you feel safe and gather support.

Your partner will have to do a lot of work on themselves ideally they need to do an integrity abuse recovery.

I understand that but she is married, And yeah he was 16. I called her a peadophile in the heat of the moment, She slapped me.

What's intergty abuse therapy?

That’s very creepy and abusive.
Imagine the genders reversed..
People would be saying “ Child abuser”.

Was it an ininfatuationHas she explain what the attraction was? She sounds manipulative, at least in this context. I'm not sure I could forgive. The age difference, along with the infidelity would be difficult to accept.

My partner had an affair with a man eight years her junior for around 18 months. I forgave her. It took a bit of soul-searching but we're still together.

She sounds foul, @TheLivelyBlueDreamer
Divorce her.
Violent, abusive child abuser AND adult abuser.

18 months is reasonable, Not great, Reasonable. I'm glad you could forgive. I'm struggling.

She groomed him from the age of 16.
Why would you want to forgive her?

Because of our past. Like I say, I'm a shell. I don't know what to do.

So she's violent as well. None of this is a safe situation for you.

Do you have support in your life apart from her? Your children, any siblings? Friends?

My kids. But they'd probably side with her, She's very manipulative. She apparently spent the three years bad mouthing me, telling him how they'll run away together. I feel bad for him too. He fell for her bullshit.

Really sorry for you. Your wife is a sexual predator, and physically abusive to you. She’s a disgusting creep honestly. You can probably get some support from male DV services, google them. You may need to prepare yourself to leave. Get all the info about the families financial situation and when you feel able, see a solicitor so you know wheee you stand. Given your needs, you may be better off than you think financially. Look after yourself

Get her saying it on a recording and report her to the police

I'll talk to my GP first thing, Monday.