Struggling with my wife’s past infidelity – don’t know how to cope

[TheLivelyBlueDreamer]

Hi everyone,

I don’t even know where to begin. I’m a 61-year-old man living with ME (myalgic encephalomyelitis), which has made life incredibly difficult over the years. On top of the constant exhaustion, brain fog, and physical limitations, I’ve now found myself grappling with something I never thought I’d have to deal with: betrayal.

I recently found out that my wife, who is now 59, had an affair back in 2014. She met this man – no, boy – online when he was just 16. They struck up some kind of connection over three years, and then, when he turned 19, they met and slept together. The age difference is staggering. At the time, she would’ve been 49. Nearly 30 years older than him.

I can’t seem to wrap my head around it. I keep asking myself: Why? Why would a woman in her late 40s, someone I’ve loved and trusted for decades, go out and do something like that? Was it the thrill? Some sort of midlife crisis? Did I stop being enough for her?

The worst part is how she handled it afterward. From what I’ve pieced together, after they slept together, she completely ignored him. She just dropped him like he didn’t matter. That coldness has really shaken me because it’s a side of her I didn’t think existed. How could someone I thought I knew so well be capable of something like this?

I can’t stop picturing her with him – some young guy, barely more than a boy, with his whole life ahead of him. And here I am, struggling to get through the day because my illness leaves me drained of everything – energy, joy, hope. Maybe that’s what pushed her away. I’ve always feared I was a burden to her because of my health. Maybe I was right.

She says it’s in the past and that she loves me. But how can I trust that? If she could hide this from me for so long, what else don’t I know? And how do I stop these feelings of inadequacy, anger, and humiliation from eating me alive?

I want to forgive her. I really do. But I feel like a shell of myself – physically, emotionally, mentally. I can’t help but feel like I’m not good enough, like I’ll never be enough.

Have any of you been through something similar? How do you move forward? How do you look at someone you thought you knew, someone you built your life with, and not see them in a completely different light?

Sorry if this is rambling. I’m just lost. Any advice would mean the world right now.

Thank you,
Iain

I don't know if its illegal? Sixteen is legal. And I don't know if she sent him anything, Pics wise.

If your wife is sexually attracted to very young males/ children chances are she will be looking for more.

You probably will be happier alone, rather than worrying constantly about future infidelities.

That's horrific op, so sorry.

You are vulnerable and have just discovered a very very ugly side to your wife.

How she could slap you for your perfectly understandably naming what she did as pedophilic is awful, just because legally technically he wasn't a child when she took him to bed, and he was over age of consent... He was a child the whole time she was grooming him.

Your life is in tatters and I have no idea how you recover from this.

The fact that he's got in touch ten years later suggests it's had a big effect on him too.

I couldn't stay with a partner who did that. The relationship would be toast. It's not just the betrayal, which in the right circumstance I could forgive, it's what it's shows about her character.

All I could do is exit the relationship, tell the kids the truth and hope they didn't fall for her manipulation further.

I'd be way happier alone, but its getting out of it.

Could you concentrate on practical steps?
What do you need to go it alone.
I don't think I'd want to be vulnerable and in her hands, I think you'd suffer.

@TheLivelyBlueDreamer you'll never get over this and staying with her can't be good for your physical and mental health. She's a violent pervert. I wish you well and hope you make the right decision. And, you'll be amazed how much better you'll feel without her in your life x

Thank you Anne. X
And to the person above, I can move, i just need to do it discreetly.

I can’t help but feel like I’m not good enough, like I’ll never be enough.

This comment made me sad, LivelyBlueDreamer, because you shouldn’t feel this way - your wife is the one who isn’t good enough for you.

Other people have given you advice but I just wanted to say I how you can access the support you need and get out of this situation. You must feel totally blindsided but there is a better life on the other side of this nightmare.

Thank you

So sorry to hear of your torment, what an absolutely despicable crime and betrayal of trust. I don't have much advice for you unfortunately mate, other than bide your time and get out. Try to stay as fit as you can meantime.

What you said about being shocked, how coldly your wife cut the young man off without a second thought. Strictly as an outsider looking in, I suggest you read your own words back a few times because your OP speaks very accurately about the person you're married to. Maybe talk things through with a trusted confidant or two. It'll help you gain some outside perspective (away from her influence) and decide what's best for yourself.

Thank you, I will. And yeah, she completely cut him off. Sold him the world then pulled it from under.

That’s physical abuse and you should report her to the police.

I’m not entirely sure this isn’t a flip tbh

I wanted to. She talked me out of it. Said it was my fault for calling her that word. Which I guess it was.

It is possible to rebuild trust if that is what you want. Although of course you are entitled to walk away.

There is no excuse for raising your hands to someone else. What your partner has done is use DARVO against you. You didn’t make her raise her hand and slap you. She is responsible for her own behaviour. Report her. You still can. I would be making plans to leave because you are being abused. This person has cheated on you, physically assaulted you, emotionally abused you and they will not change. I think this is a flip and you’re actually a woman. I would advise you to contact women’s aid. If I’m wrong and you’re actually a man, contact mankind.

https://mankind.org.uk

Don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help because anyone can be a victim of domestic abuse. Make or female. Please seek help because this escalates further still. Abusers never get better. They only get worse. You’ve don’t nothing wrong. You do not deserve to be treated like this and you are not safe in this relationship. Please, seek help.

Where did she meet this boy? 🧒 if my husband told me about a 16 year old, I would be leaving.

No, I am a man. I'm gonna call that mans charity first thing Monday. Thank you for being caring. Not many would in my situation.

Facebook. This would've been, 2011ish?

OP, so sorry you are going through this.
Your wife sounds despicable and the sooner you can part ways the better it will be for your mental health and well being.
Start with advice from Mankind as suggested, then see your GP for a referral to counselling or seek private therapy if you can afford it. Your wife is abusive and it doesn't sound like she's shown any remorse for her behaviour. You deserve so much better, please believe that.

One of the most disturbing things apart from the obvious, is how she cut the guy off completely. Icy cold, manipulative individual.

Many, many people would be caring. Don’t think they wouldn’t. Abuse is abuse. It doesn’t matter who the victim is. I really hope you can get free from this awful abuse you’re suffering and get the support you need. You deserve better. I wish you all the best.

This sounds like a truly awful situation @TheLivelyBlueDreamer, I am sorry you're living through it.

Although you say your wife broke it off with this young man, for you to have only "recently" found out about it by him calling you, surely it must have continued for many years (as you say it was around 2011 when they first got in contact)?

I think there are many layers to this betrayal; the fact he was so very young, the length of time it went on for, your wife not telling you herself, the young man still being so distraught - 13 years after the affair began - that he felt he had no option but to contact you, the fact your wife slapped you... Honestly, I could go on, but it's very clear that this woman is selfish and does not care about the destruction she leaves in her wake.

I would echo PPs and suggest you get some help, get your ducks in a row and leave her as soon as is practical.