What's normal?

[freckledlegs]

Hello,
My partner (both divorced, in 40s) spends a lot of time with his ex. He has teenage kids, and during a usual week the kids spill between the households, which often means so do the parents. She comes to his house and stays for dinner 'because its nice for the kids' or he goes to pick up one of the kids and she offers him dinner. Add on top all the texting (ostensibly about the kids) and things like they still do some holidays together etc.... it feels a lot. It has come to feel like I am simply providing the sex to an otherwise fully functional partnership. I don't feel nice and am on the verge of ending it, but I first wanted to check what's normal, in case I'm wrong. My ex is largely absent and so I don't have much of a co-parenting experience.
Thanks

There's no right or wrong here. The question is, how does he respond when you talk to him about it? Does he listen to your concerns and try to find a compromise that is acceptable to both of you? Or does he ignore your feelings and refuse to make any changes?

you don’t need a straw poll, you can leave the relationship if you aren’t comfortable with it and you don’t feel there’s room there for you in the co-parenting relationship. Teenage kids in my view don’t need parents to holiday together, that seems OTT, but it’s where your boundaries lie that matters.

the second one

To me the holidays would be over the top. Otherwise I think I'd quite like that they are managing to coparent well and to be friendly. It speaks to him being really decent, and it cannot always have been easy. But it's not my feelings that matter! You should surely feel you are important and special to him.

Ok - that's no good then. He doesn't respect or value you.

What changes have you asked from him ?

I suppose I just don't understand how, if they get on so well and can spend unlimited time together without arguing, they aren't still together. Just how does that work? Why do they get on perfectly now? Is it because there's no intimacy at stake? I'm not being sarcastic, I genuinely don't understand.

I haven't really asked for any changes, I've just struggled to understand why they aren't together if they want to see each other all the time. To me that would mean I loved the person.

Maybe they like each other but can't stand living together and are no longer attracted to each other?

I think the set-up sounds nice for the kids but less so for a new partner. It doesn't sound like this is working for you and your partner would do better with someone who 'gets' it and maybe co-parents in tbe same way?

No-one is in the wrong, relationships become complicated once children are involved.

This does seem like a form of triangulation. He’s in a relationship with his ex as regards to family life and then comes to you for his single life and sex. He’s having his cake and eating it - I would be off like a shot in your shoes.

@freckledlegs Does his ex know about you?

Having holidays together doesn’t sound right. Do you think they are having sex? Whatever, I wouldn’t like it.

Yes, she does know about me and doesn't 'mind'. No, I don't think they're having sex. I think it's just domestic proximity, like @AmICrazyToEvenBother says. I think if I were them I'd need more space, or I'd understand it only left dregs for a new partner.

I agree with @TwistedWonder
He is far too involved with his ex.
I would end the relationship OP because his reaction to you raising your concerns shows you are never going to be a priority in his life.

Too much. Bin off. You are just his sex partner.

A bit weird.

If he's doing evenings, holidays, meals etc with his ex, he can fuck off back to her. What's left for you? As it sounds like he has you for sex. I'd get rid.

I could t cope with this level of closeness between my partner and his ex personally.

Does he put you first or is it always her because she's the mother of his children?

All too often it turns out that they are still sleeping together, and in my experience the partner would choose the ex if she would have him back. (IME the ex was using sex as a means to manipulate him and to taunt me. Got right out when the realisation dawned)

It isn't working for you, it’s making you feel used, so it doesn’t really matter if it’s normal or not.

It would be a no from me. I’d let him go.

Do you never have dinner with them both? If you’re at his house and she drops the kids off etc?

It does seem a bit much, the kids are teens so not little and assume they've had a while to get used to the separation. The dinners wouldn't bother me that much but only if you manage to get enough quality time. The holidays, I wouldn't like that and I wouldn't of begun a relationship knowing they still holiday together.
I'm amicable with my ex, he has a key to my house to pick the kids up, I offer a cup of tea but I draw the line at doing family things together.

Some people are better as friends than spouses.

It’s not really your decision how he co-parents and parents so if the situation doesn’t feel right for you, you need to leave.

TBH it sounds like he needs a FWB situation or a girlfriend d who will dive right in and become part of the family.

They didn't do the holidays when we first got together, they've actually got closer while I've been with him, which seems weird.

That might just be that as they’ve moved on from the feelings around the divorce, they’ve reconnected as friends. It shows an impressive degree of emotional intelligence that they can set aside all the hard feelings and still be a family for their children.

You either need to embrace family life and become part of it, or walk away.

Now the ex has a BF, the two of you could join the family dinners and extend the family in quite a balanced way.

As I write that though, I realise that his primary relationships are still tied into the nuclear family dynamic.I can see that would be difficult. It wouldn’t be for me.

Why is he even divorced from her if they’re acting like this?

I’d dump him, and I would explicitly say “You are in a relationship with her while using me for sex. I’m done with you.” It sounds like he needs to have it spelled out for him, lest he try this crap on the next woman. What a twat.

I'd be having none of that nonsense.