This is a long one sorry, please bear with me as I’d love some advice and trying to give as much context as possible.
I’ve also put in paragraphs but I’m on the app so hope they show.
DH seems to always have an issue with two of our kids in particular.
To set some back story, we have 3 boys (20, 16, 13) and admittedly the 16yo is the easiest kid/teenager by far. He’s a very easy going, does what he’s told, people pleaser, doesn’t get into trouble sort of kid. The other two are a bit more work attitude wise but still fantastic kids that don’t get into any trouble.
They are both suspected ADHD/autism but the oldest has never been tested and the youngest is on a waiting list.
DH very obvious struggles with those two in particular and they notice it, the youngest often says he feels like his dad hates him.
If I mention it though DH blows up and accuses me of always defending and protecting them.
DH is never physically violent and I often agree (mostly) with the rules he wants to implement etc but it’s the way he goes about it that I hate.
There’s a lot of issues but I’ll start with the oldest.
He works full time, has a GF who is currently long distance for university, sees his mates occasionally and plays a sport during its season.
He’s a bit of an anxious kid and very introverted. He’s not a big partier or drinker, is not into clubbing, doesn’t do drugs, smoke or vape or anything.
We haven’t been charging him board as he has to live away from home for a week every six weeks for his trade and he pays for all of that himself but as that’s coming to an end we’ll start charging.
He pays all his own bills (phone, car etc), buys his own snacks etc. he doesn’t do many chores off his own back but will if you ask.
He eats dinner with us most nights and is not very chatty but otherwise spends a lot of time after work in his room. Playing Xbox with his mates or talking to his girlfriend. He wouldn’t come sit and watch tv with us for example.
DH is always mad at him for not talking much or doing nothing around the house, thinks he’s lazy, disgusting and disrespectful because he’s in his room a lot and thinks he only comes out to talk to us if he wants a lift somewhere (to train station for example)
I just think he’s living his life, doing his own thing in his down time and know that he’s a quiet kid. I’m happy to give him lifts if I’m not busy.
They never ask DH if they can help it as they know he’ll say no, or not be happy about it, but DH gets annoyed at me if I do it.
DH and I battle on this all the time. I understand he has his own opinion but the way he speaks about our DS is awful, like he’s a drug addict getting into trouble with the police.
If DS were to ever start doing chores off his own back or hanging it out with us all the time, DH would be suspicious of that too and say he’s only doing it because he wants something. It’s like he can never be pleased.
In these arguments I ask exactly what he would like DS to do that would make him happy but he doesn’t answer.
DH is very emotionally immature and starts being very sarcastic in arguments and you really don’t get anywhere.
I can see things with our youngest DS are going to be similar as he gets older. They already aren’t great and DH and him fight all the time.
Admittedly I have/do undermine DH sometimes. I don’t mean to, as I said I often agree with him taking technology off DS for bad behaviour as an example.
But DH doesn’t stay calm and consistent, he escalates as well which escalates DS and then suddenly technology is banned for 6 months or something unrealistic and DH is stomping around like a raging bull.
I’m aware what I do wrong and I’m trying to change it.
DH thinks the kids listen to me and respect me but not him, so I’ve tried pointing out to him the way I parent and how it’s different to DH so maybe if he wants what I have he could try doing things that way too, but he never does.
His favourite saying is “I’m just trying to hold our kids accountable"
But I also hold them accountable for their actions, just in a different way. I am a bit more permissive I suppose but I’ve stopped sweating the small stuff and I’m happier for it.
DH’s view is that he can’t say anything negative about 2 of the kids in particular as I jump to their defence and I guess I do but DH doesn’t just say “oh gees DS1 is giving my the shits today because of….”
He’ll say “DS is a disgusting, rude disrespectful kid and he can move out/fuck off if he doesn’t want to talk to me” (that’s not an exact example but very close to how he talks)
It’s really affecting our marriage and I don’t know how to move forward from here as we have the same argument literally every week.