Looking for positive experiences from people who have a relationship later in life

[AmberAnt]

I’m in my mid-forties and have never lived with a partner, I don’t have children, my longest relationships have been 1/2 years. I had a lot of childhood trauma which might have impacted this, but generally, I’m a nice, bright, kind person, solvent, mortgage, etc. Always had plenty of attention from boys at school etc. But i find myself alone and wonder if there is something more. I don’t make an effort to find relationships eg online dating, and I wonder if I should. Has anyone who has not had a previous long term relationship found one post-40? I’d love to know your experience if you were happy to share.

Thank you.

If you are happy as it is, then don't feel any pressure to comply.

Just do what you want to do, not what you feel you should! But if you want someone then you do need to either go online or get involved with stuff out and about, they don't just appear in your life even if you were the most amazing woman.

This.

Plus you've left it a bit late to try and find "the one". By mid 40s theres no abundance of half decent available men.

Sorry, I should have been clear: I think I might be lonely, so wonder if making more of an effort to find a partner would be helpful.

Thank you - I understand that, and am definitely not expecting to stumble across a partner or for one to appear. I think I was asking if it is worthwhile me making that sort of effort, whether anyone had success stories of doing so.

Okay, that’s helpful to know - thank you.

@AmberAnt the more effort you put in, the more proactive you are, the more likely you are to have success. However there is no guarantee.

Okay- i will answer your question quite literally.

I am over 20 years younger than DH. We met when he was in his 50s. We got married, had our 2 children (his only children) and i am now the age he was when we met. We have been together 24 years.

My neighbour (godmother to my older DS) had a truly terrible first marriage with an abusive husband/ She was married about 23 or so. She was widowed in her 70s. She is now in her late 80s and is about to marry her 90 year old fiance.

I met my (second) husband on Plenty of Fish when we were both 40. I was not looking for a long term relationship only to get out for meals and gigs but we clicked and it's been about a decade now. I dated (meals and gigs) about 5 guys before meeting him but quickly we agreed to be exclusive. He hadn't been married before because he had been working in different countries in Europe (came home because his Mum took unwell but thankfully she is well now). I feel super lucky and very content and happy.

I enjoyed the dates though before meeting him. Gave me things to look forward to and leave the house for, and chat to my sister and friends about - so I would say go for it!

Maybe don’t focus on finding a partner as that’s alot of pressure on yourself and just focus on widening your social circle and getting out and about to mix with people more.

Join a local group, doesn’t have to be anything specific like exercise or art etc if you don’t have a particular passion. Church groups are always welcoming even if you’re not religious or community centres often have casual group meetings just for people to have a coffee and a chat.

Volunteering is also a great way to meet nice people and experience new things.

Theres nothing wrong with you just because you haven’t had a long term relationship or lived with someone but if it’s something you desire it’s not out of reach and you deserve and can be loved and love someone back.

I was 39 when I met DH and we are now married with two children (I’m 44.)

Were there ever an abundance of those at any age?!

Statistically you had a much better chance in your 20s. At double that most are gone plus 20 years ago OLD wasnt a huge thing, now it is and consquently dating has become more of a throwaway past time.

Hell yes! Met my husband at 42, together 5 years, married 3! No kids, I’d spent years concentrating on career so no serious history. Knew him on our ‘scene’ for a couple of years prior to getting together (think male dominated scene like fishing but def not fishing as I hate fish). He is the absolute light of my life and I am so lucky to have him love me back.

I met the love of my life at 48. He’s a couple of years older.
it’s more complex than young, child free love but I’ve never felt more loved.

You sound like me! I was very happy being single and then I got asked out by someone and I have to say, it’s been rather lovely so far, even though I had my doubts and worries initially as I hadn’t been looking for a partner. We’re not at “long term” yet but I feel like there’s a future in us, we just seem to click and support each other well.

It is never too late!

Thank you everyone, this is all so helpful to hear.

I met current partner through online dating when I was a fair bit older than you, OP - there is always hope. If you want to try online dating, just try to see it as a nice opportunity to chat. If you are too invested you will be disappointed. I had a fair few dates before I met my partner, and just about all of them were interesting to talk to, even though not partner material. As others say, it's a numbers game: if you go on enough dates, eventually someone will appeal to you.

I actually don’t believe in ‘the one’ so I don’t think I’ve left it too late. I think I more believe in there are many people we all might be compatible with but maybe you find the person you need when the time is right - I am just wondering if it’s time for me to start looking again, and it’s really helpful to hear PPs stories of finding that.

Rubbish. Much more likely to meet someone who has been widowed or divorced of course but a divorced man in his 40s+ may well have done the work necessary to have a really successful second marriage. I've just googled it. Found lots of studies suggesting the average age for remarriage is mid 40s. Plenty of men about OP.

I agree the concept of the one is a load of BS but many simperers on her talk about their DH in that fashion.

The question is what are you looking for? A man with no ex wife, no kids etc or are you quite open?

Go out on a few dates in 2025 - see what happens. What have you got to lose?

Several family members have found second love later in life on online dating and they are happily married for many years.

I have found love after 40 by accident, but I do think this is unusual.

Although I have had previous LTR, but I realise now I had never previously experienced actual love, and imo it is very much worth it.

You don't have anything to lose - just have fun and see what happens.

After disastrous online dating, couple of short relationships in my 20's, a few situationships in my 30's where I was always on the back foot, I made peace with the fact that I'd probably not meet 'the one' and decent men were few and far between. Doesn't help that I'm quite introverted and like my own company. Luckily I wasn't fussed for children.

At 41 I changed jobs completely and met a nice guy at work. I resisted a bit due to ridiculous reasons like his questionable fashion choices and me being 'picky' despite always telling my friends I wasn't, I was probably just a bit closed off and scared.

Two years down the line and he's the most wonderful, kind, caring man and I've never felt so loved, by anyone actually even family. He's the only person I can unequivocally be my complete self around. I'm thankful for him every day. He's one of the good ones.

Don't give up!