Looking for positive experiences from people who have a relationship later in life

[AmberAnt]

I’m in my mid-forties and have never lived with a partner, I don’t have children, my longest relationships have been 1/2 years. I had a lot of childhood trauma which might have impacted this, but generally, I’m a nice, bright, kind person, solvent, mortgage, etc. Always had plenty of attention from boys at school etc. But i find myself alone and wonder if there is something more. I don’t make an effort to find relationships eg online dating, and I wonder if I should. Has anyone who has not had a previous long term relationship found one post-40? I’d love to know your experience if you were happy to share.

Thank you.

I have a friend who was totally single until her early 40s, then met a nice chap through a hobby and they've been happily together for several years. It does happen!

@AmberAnt before you start looking at relationships, look at what your existing relationships are like with family, friends and coworkers etc? Do you have strong connections with folks and find it easy to maintain relationships?

I do feel that people should work on themselves, that a partner adds to their lives. Not because they feel a partner is an answer to a void they currently have.

what interests and hobbies do you currently have, do you volunteer anywhere? These will expand your social circle which may in turn lead you to meeting someone.

I hated online dating but went on many dates, none really went anywhere but it gave me good experience. I met my partner of 9 years when I was volunteering on a community centre bar for his friends birthday bash. I take him on a date a few weeks later and the rest is history.

but I have things going on in my life outside if him as I feel that relationships can stagnate and fester when one partner only has the other as their sole interest in life.

After disastrous relationships in my younger years, and a life event that left me traumatised, I gave up.
Then came serious health issues, and I moved in with my parents, and I became a carer to both.
No children, not how I’d envisaged my life at all.
I didn’t trust any man apart from my dad, and two male friends I’d had since childhood who were really good to me.
Never even looked at OLD thought what would I put in my bio - knackered middle aged woman, serious trust issues, lives with dad, (after mum had died) might be able to fit you in on Wednesday afternoon if he hasnt
cacked his pants. Again.
And then.
A really good female friend told me about someone she’d met whilst doing some volunteering. She’s a great person, and very sussed and a good judge of character. She told him about me and fixed us up on a coffee date. By the way she showed me a pic of him and vice versa.
So we met. And I said listen I’m not exactly Jennifer Lopez, I have made some proper mistakes, but I’m quite good company and despite all I have going on I like a bit of a laugh.
He was older than I thought, 2 DD and 1 DS and a tribe of grandkids. Very youthful approach to life but had clearly been through a lot of life issues.
I am not going to say it was easy. He had a very busy life and I was a carer but we found a way to make it work.
That was 10 years ago and I am mid 50s now. I adore his kids and grandkids, they bring me a lot of joy the little ones. He was brilliant help with my dad. He understands my health issues and I give him freedom to follow hobbies that I’m not capable of.
Please don’t give up.
I never, ever thought I’d meet anyone my heart was closed.
I have to say I think being introduced through a friend helped. And she had got to know him and his life situation well.
We are not perfect, we clash, in the beginning I was very insecure because I have some physical disabilities, but he’s not phased by them. And considering he’s ten years older, he’s not remotely chauvinistic. Will happily get stuck in cooking and cleaning.
After my dad died he was brilliant and we have our own home now. It’s the first time I’ve lived with a partner.
Hope this helps. And my friends were really shocked when I met someone but they are delighted now.

Thank you, these are all good points. I have really good relationships with my family, siblings cousins and beyond, and have some brilliant net works of friends. Some friends I’ve known since primary school, I also have a strong group of friends from uni and other individual friends I’ve met and kept along the way, as well as more recent friends through hobbies.

I definitely don’t need more pals - tho am always open to making new ones - it’s more I’m noticing and feeling the absence of a significant other.

This is lovely - I’m so happy for you, thank you for sharing.

Don't think you have to accept an older man.

I've been married and divorced three times once at 19, once at 32 and once at 35. I met my current partner at 45 and we have been together 12 years I think. We can't remember. He has had one other gf from 30 to 42 and I hope this will be the last one.

I was in my late 30s - with two teenagers ( one with SEN) when I met DH. He was 40, no kids, never married, never lived with anyone except his parents. He had nursed his mum and she had died when he was 38. He hadn't had time for proper relationships.

We knew we had found our person within minutes of meeting.

20+ years later we are grandparents ( DH is a proper grandad!) and we love each other probably too much. Ok we weren't together when we were at out physical best but we don't care - we fancy the saggy pants off each other!

Mine runs his own business, goes the gym every morning, climbs mountains, runs half marathons and is a joy to be around.
The last person I met my age was like a miserable old man. Complained all the time, tight, never wanted to do anything.
I agree there are limits, but some people are the exception to the rule.

I think it would be a good idea to do some therapy and understand why your longest relationship has been 1/2 year. At this age usually all of us have at least one long relationship/marriage/kids.
The reason I am saying this is because, yes of course there are good men out there (but needs an effort), however are you capable of holding a relationship? Are there some things you need to change in yourself to make it work? Otherwise I m afraid that even If good men come into your life you will not allow them in or find excuses to reject them.

I am going to agree with that. I have met younger men with 0 energy and older men full of life. It’s down to the person

I know friends/relatives who have met partners later in life - can't remember exactly what ages but definitely don't give up!

Met my DP at 47 and having a fantastic time almost 2 years later. The only people who say that older women can't find a partner are frustrated incels. All around me I see women getting partners at any age. The other day a 96 year old lady married a 98 year old lovely man, they had met each other a year earlier.

Oh, and my DP is almost 4 years younger than me. Ignore the ones who say you have to date older. It's rubbish designed to make you feel worthless. The only "sad and lonely people" I see around me are rubbish men. Who are alone for very good reasons.

I don’t know OP, hopefully there is.

But I was talking to a friend recently and we both said there were major issues with our husbands and she was thinking about ending it.

i said yeah but if we chuck our husbands back out in the sea and look for another man most likely all that’s on offer is not great fish including the ones we chucked back and other women chucked back 😅😂

Honestly I think you are right. Very few genuine and decent men out there that are available.

This!;

I don’t think you’ve left it too late, OP!

I have friends who met in their 40s, sometimes both with no kids or previous marriages.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing you haven’t held a relationship for longer than 6 months but I do think you need to be honest
and engage in some self-reflection in the reasons for this and ask if you’re in a better place now for relationships? And you may not know the answer to that until you’ve tried again.

But let’s face it some of the most emotionally unintelligent, unstable and frankly unhinged people manage to “keep a man/woman” for a long time. It’s not necessarily proof that you have or haven’t the potential to show good relationship skills, especially as you have so many other positive connections in your life.

Also agree you don’t need to date (much ) older but it may or may not suit your personality. It wouldn’t work for me but it depends on the individual.

Absolute B.S.!! @AmberAnt please don’t listen to the above. There’s plenty of good and not so good men mid 40s and above who are single. You’ve just got to put yourself “out there” more.

Hey, when someone is 'chucked back' it just means they aren't right for the chucker, not they aren't right for anyone (I mean mostly - some aren't right for anyone of course).

Plenty of people who find themselves single at an older age do work on themselves and consequently end up a better partner the next time around.