WWYD?

[Shakeyitoff]

Hiya. Long time since posting. I have been a bit of a trusting muppet.

Partner is an only child. Has a close relationship with his parents who we both get on with. Second relationship for both of us. A couple of years ago my divorce was in the process of being finalised and I was in the process of buying a house.

as partner had walked away from previous home with nothing and I was going to leave my home to my kids we agreed to him purchasing his own home as security for himself and letting it out. His parents offered to be our tenants and we agreed.

partner mentioned in passing that they was going to get a loan to help with the deposit. Umm ok, I didn’t ask for the details…Then turns out that partner also agreed to rent from parents that didn’t cover the mortgage. At this point the purchase is in progress and a bit late. Parents are very enthused about the move and I did want to support partner.

during this time my health took a turn for the worse and I was struggling to work and we accrued debt. Partners contribution to household expenses was about 1/4 of what we needed to live on. The rest was spent on subsidising the mortgage and loan repayments which I found out was £30k.

parents ‘can’t afford full market rent’ but are now buying a brand new car. We have managed to claw our way back through some debt and are going to save for a ‘new’ car in the new year. I have since increased my working hours to virtually full time to assist with this as my health has thankfully improved.

the car was like a red rag and I told partner his parents needed to know that finances are on a knife edge and only feasible if I can continue working as I am. Parents agreed to increase rent payment which is just shy of £50 per month off the mortgage.

This has now led me to analyse what has gone on. I have worked out that in the last 3 years we have paid approx £30k to facilitate them living there. No wonder we built up extra debt while I was ill 🥴.

obviously this is not parents fault as I doubt they have full knowledge of what their child was doing to please them, nor that they were in effect asking me to help in without full disclosure of implications and consent.

I know this comes from a place of love for parents but I’m wondering whether they need to know what he has done and the implications on us as a family? Also to explain why I went a bit psycho about them buying a new car. We can’t make them homeless now, so will have to keep on coughing up until the loans are fully repaid in 5 years. Like I say, I have been a muppet and didn’t realise how bad partner (and I) is with money until around 6 months ago when we were struggling to see a way forwards out of a spiral of debt.

I will forgive them this time but they will be delivered at parents doorstep if it happens again! Do we advise parents of this?

So he's choosing his parents' (probable) blissfully ignorant happiness over your health and happiness and security of your kids - as presumably your debts don't allow you to put much money aside for their futures either.
Completely nuts. They need to downsize from whatever that property is and release badly needed equity. If they're not already living in a nice little 1 bedroom flat, then that's what needs to happen.

Yes. I do have a tendency to navel gaze! It’s whether it’s fair to parents to bring them in on what is really his disaster. It sounds like we probably should. Yes I can’t help but feel they’ve put parents first for debatable reasons for ‘needing’ to move. Partner is a definite people pleaser, to me also and generous to a fault…too generous it seems! I admit I was distracted at the time and didn’t look in to the detail of what was going on because I trusted them and had my own shit going on.

No. We’re not putting anything away for the kids as had to stop that when crunch time came. His positives outweigh his negatives honestly. However in this, they have not ‘pleased’ me. This is not break time yet for me. They’re a good person who I don’t think thought through what they were doing fully. I feel sick tbh.

Also to add, we both earn pretty good money and can claw it back now I’m well. I do feel pressured to keep working. We didn’t have enough money one week last month for food shopping. Not sure it’s worth making them homeless for short term gains? Things will ease. They’re in a small house as ‘needed’ at least 2 bedrooms.

There is no equity due to the loans. We’d be in negative equity over all.

Is the loan or his house in joint names?

I would struggle to forgive this. He’s really financially exploited you.

His name only. I really don’t think it was intentionally done. He would give his left arm to anyone who needed it. Trying to sort babysitting out so we can thrash it out with parents tonight.

It probably wasn’t intentional to begin with. But as time went on and he realised the rent didn’t cover the mortgage he had various options. And it seems the option he went with was having you subsidise him and his parents.

In this situation your partner is not operating as a “we”. You are foolish to contribute to a house that you don’t own at the detriment of your own family.

Oh dear. Well whatever happens now, they need to know what a financial pickle he's got you both into in trying to do them a very large favour.

They're grown adults and he should be focusing on looking after his own family. Do let them know that due to this situation, you're unable to put money aside for your kids because that is really serious and surely not what any grandparent would want. That's not about guilt tripping them, they just need to have their eyes opened to the real situation you face and to realise that if they're affording a f new car then they can afford to pay more in rent and spend much less on an older car instead! I hope something more useful than that comes out of your talk though - good luck.

My partner is also a people pleaser and jumps to any need or demand of his parents. Always has, always will. It's had a terrible stultifying effect on his life and on mine, and I'm now being expected to sacrifice important factors in my life so that he can please them. I'm resisting because I know that going along with what he (they) want spells absolute disaster for my MH. As a reformed people pleaser it's still hugely difficult but it comes to a point when you realise that a partner's over-kindness/fear of disappointing people is damaging you. He must feel terribly anxious about it all?

You have kids and were struggling to buy food because of this arrangement. It's ridiculous and I think you're underreacting.

The grandparents shouldn't be taking food out of your kids mouths.

He needs a huge kick up the arse and it needs to stop, not rely on you slogging your guts out.

Thanks all for listening. I think we’re in for our first ever row this evening! I’ll try and pack the kids off to bed early. No baby sitter joy. I am probably too laid back if anything but I will make his face his parents with me to make sure he reveals all. He does need to ‘save’ people. I struggle to see sometimes whether I am right to be upset so thanks for the reassurance that I’m not being unreasonable/selfish. The food thing was a blip after holiday as I don’t get paid leave (self employed) and obviously he had no money left either…we had food in the freezer but our balance for food was £0 so whilst we didn’t starve I deliberately avoided shopping that week otherwise it would have to have gone on the credit card and we’ve only just paid them mostly off!

Are they his kids?

Because his priorities seem wrong to me.

He is doing very nicely indeed out of this arrangement.

No. Not his but mutual adoration. He does have a big heart. He considers them his as no kids of his own.

Has he been doing a self assessment tax return each year and properly declaring the rent? It may not cover the mortgage but HMRC don't see it that way. It's income in their eyes and it's also only possible to claim a percentage of expenses if renting for under market rent, particularly to family.

No he isn’t. I don’t think he realised initially but I did discover the info and have told him.

Am I right in thinking you own your house in your name only?

Partner owns his house in his name only?

He has been financially contributing 1/4 of what he should be to your household, while subsidising his parents.

You’ve got yourself a classic Cocklodger.

If I were you I would tell him if he wishes to continue living in your house he needs to pay you £X per month.

The loans and mortgage against the house he owns are nothing to do with you, so how he and his parents choose to service those is his business entirely. If he doesn’t agree to pay you £X per month he can go and live with his parents.

I can’t believe you literally cannot afford to buy food for your children but you’ve shelled out approximately £30k to sub his parents. The three of them are taking food from your children’s mouths and you’ve allowed it.

@Shakeyitoff oh goodness, that really does need sorting out. If it wasn't rented to PILs would market rent allow it to cover all costs (including paying tax)? Are there alternative options for them to live somewhere cheaper? It may not be as nice but it has to be affordable to them without you subsidising at the expense of your own family. What happens if the DC want to go to uni and your income levels mean they only get minimum maintenance loan, will they be expected to forego a parental contribution because your funds are topping up PIL? As difficult as this is to tackle, it needs to be sorted out once and for all, the problem isn't going to fix itself and could drag on for many years if left as is now.

Are you married ?

Don't deal with the parents. Deal with your partner. Make him homeless or accountable. He's taking the pass and needs to grow up. If upu by pass him to go to parents it's like all of u are colluding with this man being treated as a little boy who csnt sort his own shit out.

This is s a crazy level of inattention. 0 money for food post holiday means neither of you knows how to budget.

Well he should be considering them first over his parents' interests. Not leaving the family unit short