WWYD?

[Shakeyitoff]

Hiya. Long time since posting. I have been a bit of a trusting muppet.

Partner is an only child. Has a close relationship with his parents who we both get on with. Second relationship for both of us. A couple of years ago my divorce was in the process of being finalised and I was in the process of buying a house.

as partner had walked away from previous home with nothing and I was going to leave my home to my kids we agreed to him purchasing his own home as security for himself and letting it out. His parents offered to be our tenants and we agreed.

partner mentioned in passing that they was going to get a loan to help with the deposit. Umm ok, I didn’t ask for the details…Then turns out that partner also agreed to rent from parents that didn’t cover the mortgage. At this point the purchase is in progress and a bit late. Parents are very enthused about the move and I did want to support partner.

during this time my health took a turn for the worse and I was struggling to work and we accrued debt. Partners contribution to household expenses was about 1/4 of what we needed to live on. The rest was spent on subsidising the mortgage and loan repayments which I found out was £30k.

parents ‘can’t afford full market rent’ but are now buying a brand new car. We have managed to claw our way back through some debt and are going to save for a ‘new’ car in the new year. I have since increased my working hours to virtually full time to assist with this as my health has thankfully improved.

the car was like a red rag and I told partner his parents needed to know that finances are on a knife edge and only feasible if I can continue working as I am. Parents agreed to increase rent payment which is just shy of £50 per month off the mortgage.

This has now led me to analyse what has gone on. I have worked out that in the last 3 years we have paid approx £30k to facilitate them living there. No wonder we built up extra debt while I was ill 🥴.

obviously this is not parents fault as I doubt they have full knowledge of what their child was doing to please them, nor that they were in effect asking me to help in without full disclosure of implications and consent.

I know this comes from a place of love for parents but I’m wondering whether they need to know what he has done and the implications on us as a family? Also to explain why I went a bit psycho about them buying a new car. We can’t make them homeless now, so will have to keep on coughing up until the loans are fully repaid in 5 years. Like I say, I have been a muppet and didn’t realise how bad partner (and I) is with money until around 6 months ago when we were struggling to see a way forwards out of a spiral of debt.

I will forgive them this time but they will be delivered at parents doorstep if it happens again! Do we advise parents of this?

Quite. We’re trying to improve.

We had a heated discussion. He’s neither a mind reader nor amused by how long it’s taken me to mention anything. Fair point. I have pointed out that my mind was somewhat (under exaggeration) occupied at the time. I did leave him to it, in trust that he would do right. As to not mentioning anything until now, well the deed was done, so what was the point and I’ve only felt well since earlier this year to be able to focus on anything much?

i’ve told him he needs to explain the situation to his parents. As far as I am concerned they can resolve it between them. He’s misled them too in his haste to please them by not telling them they needed to wait until we were ready. He seemed to think they were in dire need of rescuing from a home that they had chosen to live in as grown adults taking early retirement (‘they worked hard’) and frittering the equity of their house away to fund it. Hence the rush perhaps? I think he’ll struggle to lose face in front of them as their ‘rescuer’.

despite going through a budget to tighten up on spending with him, he denied knowledge of our outgoings per month but accepts that I am essentially propping him and his debt up by working pretty much full time now after my recovery.

I told him to never do anything like that to us again. He said he wouldn’t dare and I’ve not seen hide nor hare of him since as he took himself off upstairs to lick his wounds and think I guess. I’ve tried to sleep but my mind is now buzzing even though it has been cathartic. Thanks for your help in clarifying what I needed to say. We will not be spitting up over this. His good points honestly do outweigh this. We will get through it one way or the other, so I’m not going to LTB. I’m going to sign off now for good on this thread. Good night x

So much drama. Just get a financial planner to sit down with you both and run the numbers and work out a plan. You are over functioning for him and he is over functioning for his parents. Just act like adults and focus on your family.

I don’t think this has anything to do with his parents really. It has to do with him not contributing equitably to your joint pot. This is his house he has as an investment. He can do what he wants with it. BUT he needs to contribute proportionally according to his income, not his outgoings, to your joint expenses. I bet if he had been doing that, without you making up the shortfall, his parents would have been paying a fairer amount - or else HE would have had to take on extra work (not you) to pay for his costs.