End of my tether (Mother and silent treatment)

[LozzaChops101]

Just wondering if anyone has any advice on dealing with silent treatment.

I’m 39, my mother is 74. For my whole life she has deployed the silent treatment on me at various intervals, and it can last for weeks.

I’ve spent the last 2 weeks absolutely catering for her every need because she has had a foot condition since June that she refused to see a doctor about, and she can’t really walk at this point. I was summoned yesterday, but without specific instruction, so I just asked her what she needed me to do. I got the most spiteful, sneering response with her pointing at her laptop. It was something to do with an eBay purchase she’s made. I said to her that I can’t fit the item (a big armchair) in my car (I have a 12 year old Hyundai hatchback 😅) and she can’t drive her car at the moment because of the foot issue, so we’ll have to come up with a plan.

Anyway she pulled her go-to furious face and started up the silent treatment again.

I’ve absolutely had enough of her now. There’s no other family left that speak to her, and I can’t cope with her on my own. The older I get the more I realise how unhealthy our relationship is, and I don’t want to deal with her any more.

How do the rest of you cope with the silent treatment? I have no desire to speak to her at all, and I’m worried that that’s me perpetuating the silent treatment genes. I don’t want to be like her, but I have nothing to say to her and don’t want to be anywhere near her. I’ve just absolutely got to the end of my tether, I can just feel this huge knot of panicky tension in my chest about it.

Thanks if you got this far!

Crikey op, just ignore her and let her get on with it. Maybe take the piss out of her "Oh you're giving me the silent treatment again because you haven't got your own way, well at least you can demand more ridiculous things of me when you're ignoring me"

The last time mum did this to
me, I got raging drunk and called her a fucking bitch …. She never did it again. My crime had been to speak over her accidentally. She ignored me for days IN MY HOUSE until I cracked.

just don’t take her crap. You don’t have to. So what if she’s the mother…. I’d never treat my kids like that even when they’re irritating me to death. Bet you wouldn’t either. Are you the eldest?

Awful behaviour. No advice op my mother used do it if she didnt get her own way. We try ignore it. Not nice. Def controlling. As a child not nice as I had to pander to her moods.

Never had this problem with my late mother thank goodness, but suggest that you block her, she can find a man with a van.

Of course you don't want to he like her.
So put the ball in her court.
'Hey mum, this game is boring. Let me know when you want to talk. Till then, I'm off.'
And leave her to it.

Only child, joy of joys. Well done you for telling yours what’s what!!! I don’t have kids (partly due to not wanting to perpetuate anything!) but I wouldn’t treat anyone like this, no!

Mine used to do this for years. She would do it in person but, unbelievably, even phone me and then go silent and sulk at the other end of the phone. One day, in my fifties🙄, I had had enough and just said "Ring back when you grow up" and put the phone down. She did improve for a short time.

My MIL does this. If she doesn’t get her own way, or you do something wrong in her eyes, she gives you the silent treatment for months. DH and I just pretend we’ve not noticed, and carry on as normal. We never ask what we have done wrong. Eventually she comes round when she sees she’s getting nowhere and we pretend we didn't even notice.

I hardly speak to her now as I can’t be arsed with her games.

When she does this I’d up my game on living my best life and show her what you are doing with all your new free time.

You dont have to put with this shit op. You really don’t. So stop. If you don’t want to ignore her back, tell her her behaviour is unacceptable and you are not putting up with it any more. And mean it.

Thing is, if she wants help with her eBay item, she'll have to speak to you, won't she? I'd sit tight and wait for her to work that out.

The foot condition sounds not great but it's been ongoing for a while. She's refused care till now. Take a breather and enjoy the silence and when she gets in touch, ask if she's ready to see the doctor yet and if not to call you again when she is. It's time to draw a line.

Do you live with her?

If not, consider contacting adult services about her and take an extended break from her.
Mute her number or block her and take a break.

You may find forgiveness or a peace that you prefer.
Stop tolerating it.

This.

I started to just leave. Every time. Eventually I cut contact. Your mother is cruel, unkind and a fool for doing this when she needs your help.

Best thing to do is leave her to it. Carry on with your life and leave her to her sulking.

When my mother did it to me once too often I took her at her word and didn't bother her again. She complained to other people for three years straight that she had no idea why I wasn't talking to her. She never once contacted me though. Before that i used to pussyfoot around her and apologise even if it wasn't my fault. We eventually started to have a tentative relationship and she behaves reasonably well now she knows that I will just walk away if she starts her nonsense.

Silent treatment is probably a tactic she learnt young, and it's obviously worked well for your mum as she's got the power, but you don't have to let that be the case. Take her at her word and consider it a silent 'treat'.
She does not get to treat you badly!

I recognise the panicky knot in the chest. That's your body screaming at you that things aren't right. I missed the bit about her foot. If you're looking after her you need to speak to adult social services and tell them you are not able to do it any more.
If she is fully mentally competent and able to call the GP/111 herself then leave her to get on with it.
Are you living with her?

You leave. The first time you do it, you may tell her that you will not be putting up with this nonsense any longer and if she wants to speak to you civilly you will gladly help her, but you are not doing silent treatment or nasty sneering comments any longer. And then follow through - every time she pulls that crap, leave.

Walk away for your own sake.

Thank you everyone! I actually feel a lot less stressed just typing it out loud and hearing from you all!

Accidental drip-feed (I was fixated on the current silent treatment! ) but there are definitely dementia/cognitive impairment concerns as well, she can’t cope with much on her own any more. It’s not something she’d recognise or accept herself, and any suggestion of it has led to much silent treatment in the past few years. This adds to the complication of walking away. I don’t know how she manages to remember she isn’t speaking to me when she can’t find the toaster that hasn’t moved for 25 years 🙃

I hadn’t thought about adult social services, I will definitely have a look into it. Her GP just isn’t interested in hearing about it.

Thanks for all of your replies everyone, the knot has definitely got smaller!

Glad it helped OP! Maybe also call her GP and share your concerns - they cant tell you about her, but they can listen to your concerns about how she is actually doing.

You have a choice here.
She is abusing you.
Perhaps if you hand over care and take a break you can have a non carer relationship that is less intense.

You deserve this.

My mother would give me the silent treatment for months from when I was about 12 years of age. She literally didn't attend so many important events in my life because of this. She even gave me the silent treatment on my own wedding day. I'm am happily nc with her the last few years. I have never and would never treat my own children the way she treated me.

Thank you! I’ll it’s hard to see reality/normality sometimes when there’s no one else seeing what’s happening. I’m definitely need to see if I can somehow step back a bit. Thank you again!

That’s awful, I’m sorry she treated you like that. It’s such a bizarre way of treating anyone, let alone your own children!!! I hope going NC has been healing for you!

You are indeed being abused by her. Silent treatment is another example of emotional abuse because she’s not getting her own way.

She’s always been this way and many such disordered of thinking people can behave worse with age so cognitive impairment or dementia are not factors. This is who she is and also has been. She has not apologised nor has taken any responsibility for her actions.

Drop the rope here and contact adult social care at her local council offices. You do not have to look after her at all. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.