End of my tether (Mother and silent treatment)

[LozzaChops101]

Just wondering if anyone has any advice on dealing with silent treatment.

I’m 39, my mother is 74. For my whole life she has deployed the silent treatment on me at various intervals, and it can last for weeks.

I’ve spent the last 2 weeks absolutely catering for her every need because she has had a foot condition since June that she refused to see a doctor about, and she can’t really walk at this point. I was summoned yesterday, but without specific instruction, so I just asked her what she needed me to do. I got the most spiteful, sneering response with her pointing at her laptop. It was something to do with an eBay purchase she’s made. I said to her that I can’t fit the item (a big armchair) in my car (I have a 12 year old Hyundai hatchback 😅) and she can’t drive her car at the moment because of the foot issue, so we’ll have to come up with a plan.

Anyway she pulled her go-to furious face and started up the silent treatment again.

I’ve absolutely had enough of her now. There’s no other family left that speak to her, and I can’t cope with her on my own. The older I get the more I realise how unhealthy our relationship is, and I don’t want to deal with her any more.

How do the rest of you cope with the silent treatment? I have no desire to speak to her at all, and I’m worried that that’s me perpetuating the silent treatment genes. I don’t want to be like her, but I have nothing to say to her and don’t want to be anywhere near her. I’ve just absolutely got to the end of my tether, I can just feel this huge knot of panicky tension in my chest about it.

Thanks if you got this far!

@LozzaChops101 When no-one else sees what's happening

That how it is for me too. My mother consistently manages to be quite delightful with other people, so they don't believe me when I say what she's like behind closed doors. I don't bother any more but I used to get very upset by it.

I think that's fairly common and it makes it even harder to deal with.

Blimey. She wants to think about what side her bread is buttered. You have more power than you think in this situation OP. Yes as a child you were dependent on her but it’s the other way around at the moment.

Just because she’s your mum doesn’t mean she gets to be nasty to you consequence free. Yes she is vulnerable too but you don’t have to be her punchbag (had quite enough of that I imagine).

My mother started with the silent treatment on me when I was five. We were on holiday and I was arguing with my brother, so she cut me dead for days. My brother had no such sanctions on his behaviour. I don't know whether she ever knew it or not, but this behaviour when I was so young 'broke' something in me and I could never love her again as I did when I was small. Self defence, I think.

OP, your mum needs you more than you need her. So I'd let her know that you're ready to talk when she stops ignoring you, although cognitive decline might mean that she can't get to grips with this.

I would just say:

You need to talk to me properly or I will be going as I have other things to do.

she sounds horrible.

How do the rest of you cope with the silent treatment?

Either 'bugger off somewhere else until you're over yourself'

Or

'reet I'm off, give me a shout when you've got over yourself'

If you don't feed it it starves. Or you enjoy the peace while not running around after her

Walk away and leave her to it, embrace the peace when she's ignoring you.

My mother used to do this. Last year she gave me the silent treatment because she couldn't get her own way, I left her to it. Eventually she came round trying to talk (get her way again) and I told her I quite preferred the silent treatment and to piss off. I haven't spoken to her since and won't ever again

Step back and leave her so it mine did this a lot I knew all about it by the age of 11 was so bad I did not want to live there neither of my parents noticed or cared . At the age of 50 I got fed up and challenged her on something she said more silent treatment so I left her to it to see how long she would go for currently over 2 and a half years and no interest in her only grandchildren it’s their loss. Leave her to it and spend time with nice people xx

If she's giving you the silent treatment, how does she still get things from you/get care and support/help to find that mischievous toaster? Do you go round routinely and do things for her, and she ignores you, during silent treatment periods?
I think Atilla's comment - the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none - is so poignant. Most abusive people aren't abusive all the time, and we adjust. But really, it should be a blanket ban. We shouldn't accept any abuse. It doesn't matter if we've put up with it for a long time, today can be a fresh slate where we say, no more.

Ok. I see you’re not happy because you’re giving me the silent treatment instead of talking about it. It normally takes you two weeks to come out of this and as there’s nothing else I can do, I am off. Let me know when you want to talk normally. Take care.

It's not a bizarre way of behaving though when it gets such fantastic results. Look at how you're behaving with her even though she's ignoring you. You're constantly thinking about her and trying to anticipate what she'll do, what she needs etc. It's a very effective way for her to behave!

What you need to do is to completely ignore her when she gives you the silent treatment. Don't call, text or visit her. Wait for her to be civil and approach you. If she doesn't, she doesn't. I imagine she'll pull an emergency so that someone else contacts you to swoop in and save the day.

Remember, nobody else in the family is doing this. You are - think about why you're doing it.

And yes, report her to Adult Social Services - hand over the baton.

Yes and I don’t love her as it’s patently obvious she as never loved me

Love this.