Am I being verbally abused?

[Janeyboo198]

I felt like leaving my relationship because I feel a bit like a workhorse. Things have actually started getting better, I had dinner made for me lastnight and he did some housework. Hopefully things stay this way. I still feel like leaving though I think? The things he says to me, the passive aggressive remarks have ramped up a bit in place of it so I’m confused if he’s wants to make an effort to kept the relationship or not.

Last week he called me a narcissist when we were arguing, I was called a retard too but narcissistic got to me. Last night in bed, I felt happy things were getting a bit better with the effort round the house when he started watching a video really loud ‘signs of a female narcissist’ I asked was it for my benefit to kind of hurt me? He basically said if the cap fits, and obviously I got a bit upset by it and asked me reasons why I am? He said look at me now I’m causing an argument like a narcissist would. He walks past me in the house and makes snarky comments. Makes jokes about throwing me out of the window etc but says it seriously, when I make a comment he says he’s joking and I need to lighten up.

I don’t know if it’s me and I’m taking it all too seriously. Maybe that what he means by me being a narcissist? I do take things to heart. If I laughed it all off like he wants me to maybe things would get better. But why would he improve one thing for another to get worse…so confused.

I've been through this. 20 years of it. I got divorced this year.

You are probably not a narcissist. I think he actually hates you. He's telling you this stuff to make you second guess stuff.

Time to call Women's Aid and get some outside perspective from people who know the signs.

I hope you can find a way through this OP. I know it's not easy.

My hubby says things to me sometimes which are not nice and then when I retaliate he says oh god get a grip u need get a sense of humour . That makes us feel like it's our fault .., it sounds like he's the narcissist not you hun x

It's a cycle which he will repeat, forever.

You're 'happy'? Then he will do things to upset/annoy you, then call you unreasonable for your response to his goading.

You're 'unhappy'? Then he'll put in just enough 'effort' until you show signs of being 'happy' again.

This cycle will be on a never ending 'loop'. You will never, ever be 'allowed' to be 'happy' for long.

He will always take joy and delight in your 'unhappiness', because he's causing it very deliberately to give him the dopamine 'hit' he gets when he causes you pain.

He will never be a good partner, because he doesn't even understand what love is, and he can only play pretend for a short while before his mask slips again.

Every time his mask slips, you will sink into a deeper well of unhappiness. He will have you thinking that you are the problem, and he will continue to dangle the carrot of a 'happy relationship' whilst continuing to be utterly incapable of ever achieving that.

Get out now, while you still recognize that his behaviour is completely and utterly unhealthy , unacceptable and untenable.

Sounds like a classic case of DARVO (google it!)

Thanks. Yeah he’s said things in anger sometimes that are threats but when he’s calmed down he’ll say he didn’t mean it.

He tells me he loves me and wants to be happy but it certainly doesn’t feel like it at times. He deflects it back at me and says I’m just as bad if I question anything he’s said.

But then, things used to be much worse so I can see the effort he’s made to change and that’s what’s made me stay to this point. He’s stopped drinking too.

I’d had enough once and tried to leave but he threatened to burn all my sentimental stuff in the attic. I couldn’t get a ladder to get my things out myself so I didn’t leave,

He had a blazing row with his mum over the phone lastnight and the way he spoke to her was disgusting, it’s pushed me away again. Maybe it’s a thing he has in general for women, he doesn’t seem to like his sisters much either.

I suggest waiting until he is out and getting your sentimental stuff out of the attic and storing it with a friend or relative. Then you won't need to worry about it if you need to leave during a row. Make sure your passport/birth certificate etc. are in a safe place so you can quickly grab them too.

Taking someone seriously when they say they want to throw you out of a window is not being a narcissist. Saying something like that in a serious tone and then claiming they were 'joking' when called on it is the behaviour of bullies all the world over.

If anyone threatened to throw me out of a window I'd be gone the next time they went to work.

I wouldn't put up with that at all, even 'joking'.

OP your last two words say it all - so confused which is achieved by verbally spinning you around until you don’t know which way you should be facing.

There are excellent comments and advice here, especially get help removing
your items from the loft, a wonder they are up there in the first place, was this
his idea?

He shouldn't have to make such an effort to behave like a regular bloke. Ltb and don't look back.. He has you being bloody grateful when he is civil at best!!

Just like to add my label was selfish. I was selfish, all the time. It wasn't until I started talking to a therapist and to friends I realised he was using this word to second guess myself and make me feel I was at fault for his moods. It's a script, OP, finely honed over time. It's a way to control & manipulate you. You lose your identity a little. Please speak to WA, they can give you objective advice, they really helped me.

He sounds horrible OP. The way he's talking to you and his mum isn't normal. It's not respectful, kind or loving.
Sure everyone loses their temper occasionally and says things they shouldn't but what you've described doesn't sound like that. It sounds constant, threatening, mean and a bit gaslighty.

You deserve better. This will only get worse.

You are being abused and otherwise manipulated by him. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Can your sentimental items be easily removed from the attic?. If so then great but do not let such things ever keep you with your abuser .

Id say this simply id not good enough. He is not loving. He sounds horrible. Your home doesn't sound safe. He is not your friend.

Be careful when you do leave tho - don't get into discussions with him because he will twist it around and you will end up confused by 'facts.' I would make plans to split, find somewhere to go and start shifting stuff out. Don't discuss it with him. When the time comes do it when he is not there and don't get into any discussion about it.

Break this one off and start again OP - ex DV advisor here. This is just not good enough and he's got you like a fish on a line. There are FAR better men out there. x

He walks past me in the house and makes snarky comments. Makes jokes about throwing me out of the window etc but says it seriously, when I make a comment he says he’s joking and I need to lighten up

but he threatened to burn all my sentimental stuff in the attic

This is not a person who is on your side. Also, threatening to burn possessions in order to make you stay is abusive. I don't care if it's an improvement. It's fucked up.

He might manage to be polite to you with some effort, but it's not a natural state, just something that he plasters on top to hide the horrible feelings and resentment he has underneath.

With people like him, there's no point confronting them. You will only be accused of starting an argument for no reason, being paranoid or taking something too seriously. They have no interest being honest with you because they want to continue as they are - taking snarky, nasty shots at you whilst making sure you have no way to retaliate and making you look oversensitive or crazy if you do. He will tell lie after lie after lie (all denials) to cover his tracks.

Leave him. He has no respect for you, let alone love. Your feelings are telling you this. Trust them.

Some horrible people latch on to good, ethical, empathic partners because they're attracted to that light, and think they're only ones who'll put up with then.

They will ensure that those lovely people stay in their place, stay subordinate, ensure they don't thinking of leaving by grinding down their self-esteem. Manipulative people know exactly how to get people to doubt themselves, know how to make them feel guilty, and will come out with the most ridiculous accusations in order to win an argument. They'll do that even if they know the accusation is completely untrue. All that matters is that they get their own way, and such unpleasant types really enjoy seeing people grovel and apologise as well.

So, if they see that calling someone selfish gets the other person on the defensive, hurts them, and ensures they have something to throw at the other person whenever they are rightfully called up on their behaviour, then that's exactly what they'll do.

Threatening to burn your most precious, sentimental belongings. Threatening to throw you out of a window.

These are not minor things. They're not funny or trivial. This is not the kind of thing loving partners say. Listen to what he's telling you and get out!

OP. Simple answer to your question. You are being verbally and emotionally abused. Please be very, very careful and seek some professional advice. As someone else has advised, get your sentimental things and important documents out of the house somewhere safe. Sending strength. You deserve so much better. This is not normal, loving relationship behaviour

Why can’t you get a ladder?

He doesn’t like women.

He snidely does stuff to make it seem like he is being better but secretly he is annihilating your core being.

I would make plans to leave. You won’t win this game.

I recognise this.

He's testing your boundaries by verbally saying violent things he will do to you to see how you react and to try and condition you into thinking it's normal.. One day he may really do them.

He is purposefully planting a seed of doubt in you that you may have a personality disorder. If you stay with him he will convince you that you are losing your mind. He will use your confusion to then ramp up the physical and verbal abuse and convince you that it's your fault.

Get this person out of your life as quickly as you possibly can or he will destroy you.

I couldn’t laugh off someone saying they wanted to throw me out a window. You see, I don’t believe that people just “say things in anger”. I think that people lose their self-control and say what they really mean.

You are a victim of domestic abuse.

He has threatened you.
He verbally abuses you.
Why are you not packing your bags?

Get out.

Are you married to this person
Do you have children with this person
Is the property rented or mortgaged or purchased outright
whose name is the rent or mortgage in

'I couldn’t get a ladder to get my things out myself so I didn’t leave,'

how does anyone normally get into the attic ?

next time you are home alone, get a friend / family member round to help you - the person can bring a ladder if needed.

I do feel confused pretty much all of the time. In the beginning he’d really be sorry for the awful names, write letters saying how sorry he is and I deserve better, now it’s ‘you deserve it, look at the way you treat me’. When honestly, all I do is ask for help with the house work or ask him why he’s speaking to me or his mum in a certain way.

Yes it was his idea about the attic but there wasn’t really anywhere else for my things to go to be honest. I’ll try and get them moved when I can manage to get up there. Ladders are in his van, I’d need to buy more but then he’d know anyway and ask questions . I don’t have any family here to help me, they all live hours away. I’ll figure it out. Thank you for the replies.

neighbours / work colleagues / friends - all have ladders ?

@Janeyboo198 this man is 100% abusing you. We can all see it but he's got you so well trained, you are self doubting and blaming yourself.

He does NOT love you. We do not speak to or deliberately hurt the ones we love like this. He is enjoying the trauma he is causing you. Making you small makes him feel big.

Please find the courage to leave him. He will only get worse. He will escalate and grind you down into nothing all while you are still trying to just love him.