Being belittled by my mum for failed dating journey

[piperoo1095]

Hi ladies,

I'm writing here because I'm a bit desperate for advice. I'm 25F having to live at home (I was living with my ex for six years until summer this year) because it's not financially viable for me to move out and live by myself at this stage with the job I'm in, unfortunately.

My issue is, my mum has got an unhealthy obsession with my dating life. She takes joy in laughing in my face when the men become hard work and I get ghosted. She's been encouraging me to date older and I have been (the last two guys have been 15/20 years older), but it's brought me nothing but misery. She takes evident pleasure in my anger and sadness at the situations I find myself in.

I'm just really struggling living at home, trying to navigate my love life and dealing with being belittled. Yes you could say delete the dating apps and give up to stop it happening. But I would really love a relationship. My life's not bad- but being single is just not for me. Equally I can't deal with my mum taking joy in watching my downfall and the current dating pool is proving fruitless.

Any advice or thoughts appreciated. Although please don't be too harsh, I'm feeling fragile. Thank you

Stop dating, concentrate on your finances and get out of there. Then never tell her anything about your dating life again. Dating is hard enough without being undermined by someone who is meant to support you!

Your mum sounds awful. Date whoever you want. Don’t date older because your mum told you to. Date men your own age who prob won’t have as much baggage. And if I was you, I’d be looking into a flat share. Renting a room in a shared accommodation is cheaper and might even broaden your social horizons too. It will def give you more privacy and freedom.

Yeah I would just not tell her anything and be honest and say it’s because you can be mean about it all.

Also yes dating and apps are hard but online dating is how most couples meet and certainly a few of my friends have met their partners through it so it does work sometimes!!

Find a houseshare and get some space from your mother. Date someone nice who treats you far better than she has. Or don’t. Being single is fine. Or just move to Australia.

How awful.
I think your absolute priority is to look at your options for moving out of home.
Your mother sounds like a nasty horror and it does you no good to be around her.
A lodging room?
Room in a house.

Can you pick up a second job in the evening, weekends, to be out as much as possible.

Aim up to age 30. Forget the older perverts you have been dating.

Try to get into a house share and FFS stop telling your mum anything. Stick to weather and the latest on Coronation Street storyline.

Saying being single is just not for you is going to lead to many, many years of being unfulfilled. You never really find out who you are, and what you want, until you are forced to go it alone.

1. get yourself out of that house. Find a house share with some people your own age. Try not to worry too much about the future. You are only 25.
2. put some distance between you and your mother! You aren’t a teenager and your love life is nothing to do with her. Don’t give her ammunition.
3. you have gone from a long relationship to being back with your mum. Please don’t think another relationship will live the dual because it won’t. You are young - enjoy life, make new friends, have a few adventures. You have plenty of time to meet someone but don’t limit yourself. I am writing this as a I found myself single at your age after a long romance and it was the best thing that happened to me. I moved in with two friends and it was a breath of fresh air and changed my life. And for goodness sake at your age don’t be dating men if 40 or 45!!!!

That’s so sad. Your mum should be supporting you. I know it’s hard but try not to tell her anything and don’t take her advice. I hope you get your own place to live soon.

My mum isn't even an arsehole, and I've never told her when I'm on a date. Unless they were serious boyfriends she never knew they existed.

You're right. I think this is the way to go

Based on yours and other replies I think flat-share might be the next best step. It's the same toxic environment it always was here. I'd hoped we'd evolved out of it as we've both got older but it appears not!

Definitely- vow of silence is needed!

Australia is sounding tempting

Yes definitely need to look more into house shares. And adding something else to the evenings for sure. I've got 9-5 syndrome so I think I need to break out of that

Honestly it's been dire!

I like this plan!

Thank you for this. I'm the type of person that does need to be told straight so I appreciate this a lot. I really do need to come to terms with being single and also oversharing. Yes the guys have not been good :(

Thank you, honestly I hope I manage to make it happen sooner rather than later

Yeah I defo need to stop oversharing, especially when I know the reaction it's going to receive. It's never beneficial

If your mother wasn’t mocking you with regards to the dating issue I suspect she’d be mocking you for something else

Just tell her nothing. When I was single/dating I would never tell my mum about my dates, I don’t know why. My mum and I have always got on brilliantly, we are so close and love spending time together, but I never felt a need to tell her about my dating life. A few years back I was seeing a guy for two months before telling her I’d met someone, and then only a couple of weeks later he broke things off, ffs 🤣🙈 With my now partner, who I met at work, i didn’t mention his name until a good few weeks in where I might say things like “I’m popping to the pub for tea after work with the new guy Luke” just kept it safe, but it wasn’t until about two months in, when we were “official” that I told her he was my boyfriend. Not that she would act like your mum at all, I always just chose to keep my family out of my dating life!

When I split from my ex partner, it was a horrible and toxic relationship, I decided to stay single for a year. Up until that point I was a 'relationship hopper' - once one ended, I went straight into another. Honestly, staying single for a year, was the best decision I ever made. It allowed me to do as I wished/when, I didn't need to consider anyone else and most importantly allowed me to heal emotionally. It meant that by the time I started dating again, I was ready and wasn't going to take old emotional baggage into a new relationship. Come off the dating sites. Find a house share. Stop telling your Mum anything at all regarding your life. Stick to neutral subjects. If you don't tell her anything, then she has no ammunition to use against you. Stay single, find new hobbies, make new friends and enjoy it. When the time is right, then start dating but stick to men closer to you in age! Dating men 15-20 years older than you, is no good long-term, especially if you do eventually want children.

Tried and tested 😂

Your mother sounds like a rotten cow. What a vile way to behave. Second all the others saying find yourself a flat share asap. My DD is in one with some lovely girls and having the time of her life. They all support eachother. That's what you need, not a parent making you feel like shit. Tell her absolutely nothing and remind her you'll be choosing her nursing home eventually.