Being belittled by my mum for failed dating journey

[piperoo1095]

Hi ladies,

I'm writing here because I'm a bit desperate for advice. I'm 25F having to live at home (I was living with my ex for six years until summer this year) because it's not financially viable for me to move out and live by myself at this stage with the job I'm in, unfortunately.

My issue is, my mum has got an unhealthy obsession with my dating life. She takes joy in laughing in my face when the men become hard work and I get ghosted. She's been encouraging me to date older and I have been (the last two guys have been 15/20 years older), but it's brought me nothing but misery. She takes evident pleasure in my anger and sadness at the situations I find myself in.

I'm just really struggling living at home, trying to navigate my love life and dealing with being belittled. Yes you could say delete the dating apps and give up to stop it happening. But I would really love a relationship. My life's not bad- but being single is just not for me. Equally I can't deal with my mum taking joy in watching my downfall and the current dating pool is proving fruitless.

Any advice or thoughts appreciated. Although please don't be too harsh, I'm feeling fragile. Thank you

Without your mum undermining you, you'd probably be having a lot more fun dating - whether because you were getting better dates, or because you wouldn't care as much about setbacks. No doubt she's been undermining you your entire life?

As well as not telling her a thing any more, moving out ASAP and reducing contact to an extent that keeps you sane, I'd also recommend therapy if possible (or when you can afford it) - or self-help groups, mental health cafés - and decent books/podcasts/documentaries/videos about mental health issues so you can work out how her behaviour has affected you and what you could do about it.

I'm not saying stop looking for love for ever but I think living outside the parental home (house share for affordability) and becoming comfortable on your own is a good foundation for a new relationship. I imagine your mum has undermined you in other ways and it can be tempting to (unconsciously) look for someone to make up for that. You can learn a lot from being single and even enjoy it! It has to be better than dating older men because your mother says so. Find out who you are and what you want.

BTW, a "failed dating journey" is one where you end up living with someone totally unsuitable or someone you don't love, not one where one of you bails because you are not keen. And tbh, only a few months since you broke up with your LTR, you're brave/mad getting back into dating at all. No-one who knows anything about OLD would expect you to meet any Mr Rights in that short time.

You're absolutely right, the next would be my job. Even though it actually was a big step for me to get the job I have now. But it doesn't measure up to her expectations so she gets on at me about that too

A great approach. I really am going to have to go ghost saying anything. Also yes Sod's Law- maybe that's what's happening to me too! Glad to hear you are happy now though :)

Amazing advice. I'm so glad to hear it was so beneficial for you. I'm hoping I can do the same

It is soul destroying for sure. Ah I'm so happy to hear that for her! I will hold out hope that that can be me too. Sounds lovely

Yesss hopefully that’s what’s happening to you now, and the next one who comes along is the one! Wishing you lots of luck on the dating journey- and just keep your mum in tne dark! When you’re off out on a date just tell her you’re off to meet your gal pals 😊

You're not wrong, our relationship has always been a lot less than ideal. It got better when I moved out. That says it all really.

Thank you for that advice, I do need the space. My relationship needed to end and I am grateful I was given the opportunity to move home. But my god do I miss the privacy and ability to live life as I wanted to

I appreciate that I definitely need to reevaluate my priorities right now. Thank you

Above any relationship, taking time out would be good.
To be on your own.
Big gaps make you vulnerable to abue and manipulation.
Big age gaps are not a good idea.
If you were my daughter I would want you to be having fun and getting to know yourself as a single woman.

Books like "Women who love too much"
and "Why does he do that?" ....these are books that can help you be wise to twats that lurk everywhere and prey on vulnerable women.

Focus on earning money.
Moving out.
Seeing a lot less of your mother.
Build up savings and emergency fund.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you build boundaries and self esteem.

Tell her to have a go at OLD and see if she fares any better 😒

I second that houseshares esp with other women can bring you the best friendships (not that it’s always brilliant but can be). Also taking a year off dating. I took a year off anything other than v v casual anything after a similar breakup, and it was a great reset and allowed me I guess in retrospect to re enter the dating world having become a more independent adult.

You CAN do this - also not joking about Australia you can get special visas for working holidays of I think a year or two. Not if it means coming back to your mums after though!

Sorry to say, but your mum is not on your side here. Stop telling her anything about your dating life, it's really cruel of her to make you feel bad about yourself in this way. Why does she want you to date older? Focus on moving out and away from her.