Developing feelings for a friend

[helpimafishh]

Name change for obvious reasons.

Bit of background - happily married with young kids, been with DH for nearly 2 decades and still very much in love.

So the problem I need help with is as follows - two of our mutual friends were in a relationship which has broken down, we have both stayed friends with both however I have become much closer with our mutual male friend. We have loads in common (interests and hobbies etc) and are in contact very regularly albeit never face to face interaction unless DH is around too. There has never been a physical attraction and I've never looked at him twice however over the last few weeks I've started to feel an emotional connection developing (not sure if it's mutual). I'm confused as I don't have any physical attraction to our mutual friend but we have clicked and get on really well and I've found myself looking forward to chatting with him and to our group meet ups to catch up. DH has started to pick up on the amount of communication between us (all platonic conversations, never has a line been crossed) and I feel has become a bit worried of the friendship. I don't want to lose a good friend as I really do value his friendship and I have no physical attraction to him and would never ever cheat on DH, he is my entire world.

Really what I'm asking is how do I manage this friendship going forward and is it normal to feel a strong emotional connection to someone else? I already only meet with him in a group setting with DH, I don't flirt with him, neither of us have been disrespectful in our conversations etc.

all platonic conversations, never has a line been crossed

You know, emotional intimacy crosses a line too. If your DH has been alarmed by the extent of communication between you then you have crossed a line, and it's time to pull back. You are clearly putting a lot of emotional energy into this friendship, and if that's happening every day, for a lengthy time, then you should be investing that energy into your marriage. I doubt you'd be very happy if this were happening between DH and another woman.

Moreover, you should WANT to invest this energy in your DH if you are 'still very much in love'.

Why do you feel the pull to chat so much?

Watching!

You’re lying to yourself. You manage the, “friendship” by pulling back from it. Read the book, “Not Just Friends” by Shirley P. Glass and you’ll see that this has already crossed a line into an emotional affair. I feel sorry for your husband. Start having more respect for him and your marriage.

Also, ask yourself this, why were you friends before and not this close? If you share so many mutual interests, why didn’t you become close before he split with his partner? Why are you now suddenly so close now that he is single?

OP I don't think youve done anything wrong, there wouldn't be an issue if you had an emotional connection with a female friend would there?

Also ask yourself why not losing this, “friendship” is so important to you, despite knowing that it is troubling your husband and could cause a problem in your marriage. My husband comes first. Why doesn’t yours?

You're developing an emotional connection and your husband has noticed. It's time to scale it back out of respect to your husband. How would you feel if he was behaving this way towards the woman?

DH does have a friend from work who he is very close with and spend a lot more time together than I do with our friend and I have no connection with his close female friend.

The difference is DH has a lot of friends both males and females whereas I'm a SAHM and my circle is very limited so it's new territory for DH me having a close male friend.

My whole life revolves around my marriage and I put all my effort into DH. I am fully committed to my marriage and go above and beyond daily to ensure we are thriving.

I appreciate your comments though and will take everything on board.

The pull to chat is because none of my female friends or even DH is interested much in our particular hobby/interest so it's nice to chat to someone who gets it and isn't judgemental.

I have nothing but respect for my DH and our marriage. All communication between me and our friend is open and clear with DH, he knows when we're contacting and what we're chatting about (despite not asking, I update him alway). If I'm busy and my phone buzzes, I ask DH to reply on my behalf.

Is he in contact with his female friend as much as you are in contact with your friend? Does he get as excited about contact with her as you do with contact with him? If yes then all you need to do is point out there's no difference.

If you don't fancy him then it's a platonic friendship, and dh has no business controlling your friendships, after all he has his.

He has had a girlfriend since splitting with our other mutual friend so hasn't always been single throughout our friendship. I think we got closer after the initial split as he would come to me for advice as he wasn't in a good place and my DH thought he could do with a girls take on things as he wasn't sure how to help him. From there we just started to chat about every day mundane things and then realised our love for the shared interest.

You sound like a classic example of someone whose life is too small, if you are a SAHM who puts' everything' into her marriage. No wonder you're not good at managing a friendship if you don't have many friends. Sounds to me like a wake-up call to expand your horizons socially, and don't put all your eggs in your marriage basket, or in this friend's basket.

This is where I'm so confused and beating myself up as I have a close female friend who is a new mum herself so we have bonded greatly since she had her baby yet I don't feel guilty like I do with my male friend.

You say your DH spends more time together than you do with your mutual friend, but spending time together doesn't seem to be the issue – it's presumably you texting large amounts every day.

How much time does he spend texting his friend from work on a daily basis?

It also feels as though you are getting defensive to the insinuation that you have crossed a line. You have admitted you are having emotional feelings towards him and that you're DH feel uncomfortable with the level of your communication? What more is there?

My DH will always come first and if it came to it I would end my friendship in a heartbeat if it meant saving my marriage, I'm hesitant to cut off a good friend right now as DH has his own close friends some of which are female and has a good social group whereas I have a few friends and it's nice having someone to chat with.

My DH is very close to our mutual friend and has contact with him just as much, it's not only with myself.

What does 'emotional connection' mean?

@Julie168 the only difference is he doesn't contact much outwith social gatherings or work as he sees them day in day out, he speaks in a group chat with them but not often one to one when messaging. I rarely see our mutual friend in person, it's mostly just by message or sending reels.

I feel it's worse as he spends physical time daily with his close friend whereas I don't spend much physical time with our friend and never alone. I think we both have differing opinions which we need to sit down and chat about.

@RedHelenB definitely no crush or physical attraction, I've never fancied him and only just started to feel an emotional connection due to bonding over shared interests.

Just to clear up as I can appreciate my posts might make people think otherwise but DH is the least controlling person I know, he is a great man who treats me well. He's just feeling a bit jealous I think as he's never been in the situation before where I have a close male friend so he's trying to work out the dynamics of it all.

@Intimacies you've likely hit the nail on the head there. I'm so trapped in the mundane cycle of motherhood so I'm focusing on the things that are bringing me an escape and putting effort into them instead of myself. Possibly finding something outwith being a mum/wife but prevent me from relying on my friendship as a social escape.

@Didimum completely appreciate everything you've said and it makes sense. I don't mean to come across as defensive so I apologise. I'm genuinely just trying to navigate a friendship in the correct way as I would never want it to result in DH getting hurt. I appreciate how it might seem lines have been crossed. We don't have lengthy conversations every day maybe a couple times a week we chat for a bit, it's mostly sending funny memes and reels with no conversation.

You feel guilty because you know your crossing emotional boundaries with this man. Listen to your own conscious.

That sounds right to me. It means you risk over-focusing on one friendship because there's not a whole lot else going on that is purely about you, or 'being seen'. I'd caution you against becoming over-reliant on this friend, as it seems to have only happened since he's become single, and it may not last after he gets into a new relationship. I'm not suggesting you cut ties (it sounds as if you need more friendships rather than fewer to be less emotionally reliant on your marriage), but try to contextualise it with other stuff.

@Didimum I'm not sure the proper definition for emotional connection but the best way to explain it for my side is that I enjoy our chats, if I see a funny reel or meme I think he'd appreciate I'd send it, we can talk at lengths re particular subjects and if I'm having any issues or worries I know he'd give good advice if needed and I don't feel like I need to be anyone other than myself around him as there's no judgement.