Developing feelings for a friend

[helpimafishh]

Name change for obvious reasons.

Bit of background - happily married with young kids, been with DH for nearly 2 decades and still very much in love.

So the problem I need help with is as follows - two of our mutual friends were in a relationship which has broken down, we have both stayed friends with both however I have become much closer with our mutual male friend. We have loads in common (interests and hobbies etc) and are in contact very regularly albeit never face to face interaction unless DH is around too. There has never been a physical attraction and I've never looked at him twice however over the last few weeks I've started to feel an emotional connection developing (not sure if it's mutual). I'm confused as I don't have any physical attraction to our mutual friend but we have clicked and get on really well and I've found myself looking forward to chatting with him and to our group meet ups to catch up. DH has started to pick up on the amount of communication between us (all platonic conversations, never has a line been crossed) and I feel has become a bit worried of the friendship. I don't want to lose a good friend as I really do value his friendship and I have no physical attraction to him and would never ever cheat on DH, he is my entire world.

Really what I'm asking is how do I manage this friendship going forward and is it normal to feel a strong emotional connection to someone else? I already only meet with him in a group setting with DH, I don't flirt with him, neither of us have been disrespectful in our conversations etc.

@TipsyJoker I agree. I do feel guilty having a connection with someone other than my DH, for so long he's been the only man I've felt secure around so it's new territory with our mutual friend as I've never trusted previous male friends before to not want anything more than platonic friendship.

Exactly

@Intimacies you're so right. I need to try and have another focus. I don't want to cut him off as like I've said it is completely platonic, I don't want anything other than friendship with him I'm completely devoted to our marriage, it's just nice having someone not just seeing me as mum or wife and actually making an effort with our friendship after being burned by a few close friends since having kids.

I think titling your post as 'developing feelings for friend' will be your downfall here, OP, whether you intended it or not!

'Developing feelings' is surely a language everyone understand to mean romantic and intimate feelings.

@Didimum I hadn't even thought like that until you'd mentioned it. I should clear up I did mean feelings but not romantic feelings, feelings are there and I'm not sure what they are but I know for sure it's not romantic if that makes any sense.

Quite possibly just overthinking it because he's a male, I know I wouldn't be questioning caring about and looking forward to seeing my other friend.

Why can’t he just be your close friend? It’s only inappropriate if either of you behave inappropriately or have such intentions.

I have a partner and a close male friend. Close male friend and I talk every day, and even go on holidays together. Doesn’t phase my partner in the slightest as he’s just my friend.

Your concern about this makes it seem like something else is going on.

How much time do you spend texting him a day, and when does that tend to be? I think, since you've cleared up your feelings, knowing that will help to know if your DH is being unreasonable or not.

Exchanging 2-3 messages a day is very different to spending an hour every day with a constant back and forth.

You've already found a whole family's worth of love. Protect what is precious to you and them and jump off this train before it derails.

@walltowallkents that's great that the dynamics worked out for you guys and that everyone is secure and comfortable. It's how it should be.

There's honestly nothing going on between us and never has a line been crossed in terms of being inappropriate etc, I just feel consumed with guilty as my DH has been the only male I've ever been close with and I sort of feel like I'm betraying him by having a close connection with our friend.

I am a classic overthinker so most likely making things worse for myself than they should be.

How would you feel if your DH posted this?

@Didimum most days it's sending funny things to each other or gossip/news about our shared interest with no chatting, maybe once a week or sometimes longer we text for about an hour on and off and that's it done. He can also be chatting with DH during this time or outwith our conversations. He is a very social person so his contact with me isn't a big deal for him I'd say.

We tend to chat if he's off work or before-after shifts, sometimes when DH is around and sometimes when he's at work.

@Alphaalga I'll always have my family and DH at the forefront, nothing and no one is more important to me than they are.

I suppose I'm telling myself because I know I have no romantic intentions with my friend and I'd never leave DH for him as I don't see him that way then our friendship is justifiable but I can now see how it's not as simple as that.

If he’s really just your friend, why does it matter that it’s a man?

Dont overthink the level of contact etc, it’s fun to chat with friends. Just stick to the rule of, would I feel uncomfortable if my partner read what I’m sending/receiving? Would I say the same thing in front of my partner? As long as you’re not doing anything you shouldn’t (and your friend isn’t either) then I see no issue.

It’s great you’ve found someone to share your hobby with. My team at work is all men so I’m always out for dinner and drinks with men/groups of men. Doesn’t bother my partner at all as it means he doesn’t need to listen to me moaning about specific work-related issues he has no interest in!

@ohmymyyiaz I won't lie I'd be jealous as I'd worry about his intentions but it's hard because I know my intentions if that makes sense.

DH has always been adamant boys and girls can be friends and that it's just life but I guess it's easier to feel that way until it happens.

I was extremely jealous and paranoid about DHs friendships with girls in the past I won't lie as I couldn't understand how you could be close with someone and not want to be with them but I now see it can be the case.

Sounds as if you're DH 's concerns are largely unwarranted, so time for an honest chat with him about why he feels uncomfortable. Apologies for my earlier heavy-handedness. The 'developing feelings' definitely threw me off!

@walltowallkents definitely need to stop overthinking and over analysing.

DH can be sitting next to me when we're texting and I'll sometimes read out snippets of the conversation if it's relevant or funny etc. I am the exact same around this person whether DH is there or not and tbh I am exactly the same way with him as I am with my close girl friend. DH is welcome to read my messages with our friend at anytime but he wouldn't ever want to do that but the offer is always there. We have the same sense of humour and just bounce off each other which is nice and different from previous friendships with male friends as I know he isn't trying to get me into bed!

For what it's worth he's closer with DH our friendships are just different and I think he values having a female to bounce ideas off and get dating advice etc from without worrying about the guys ribbing him.

I speak highly of DH in conversations with him as does he, he knows how important my marriage is and how much I value my family, he's always said he admires our marriage and hopes to find someone who cherishes him like my DH and I cherish each other.

@Didimum no need for apologies, I appreciate the honest advice and can appreciate how the title wasn't worded greatly.

I think my feelings towards him are platonic but because he's a male other than DH who I've started to care about I've been overthinking it and with DH becoming a bit jealous (he isn't a jealous person) I started to over analysis it all.

Disagree. Friends are good for us and hard to find. Especially if you're a sahm. OP you feel guilty because it's a male friend but there's no other difference so just enjoy it, you deserve friends and people's you can be close to and enjoy their company.

This. The danger you're in is not having any other close friends which means the intensity of this friendship can and will escalate. There's no physical attraction now but in time the emotional will cross a line and become a full fledged attraction. Pull back from this man, there are other people who do your hobby - you can find clubs or communities in your hobby to widen your circle. Also unless your hobby takes up most of your time, not sure why you need to be in constant contact? I have hobby friends but I don't have a need to be in regular contact unless we are planning a hobby related activity.

Also naive to say that male and female emotional intensity in a friendship is the same if you're straight. You'd share a bed on a holiday with a female friend- would you do it with a male friend? Attraction is what differentiates how dangerous a friendship can be - you don't just have a shared hobby, you have a deep emotional connection and want to talk to him everyday - that's how many romantic relationships form. Also ignore anyone who says bisexual people are screwed in this case because they're attracted to both sexes (see it a lot on MN)- they will have different boundaries to maintain relationship than someone straight based on their circumstances, and not comparable.

You need to be honest with DH then. You also have to be very careful about what you talk about with this friend. It is a slippery slope IMO because someday somehow you might start discussing things about your DH, and then it's all downhill from there...

Strong emotional connection with the other sex (other than your spouse) is often dodgy unfortunately - IMO. You also may not truly know your friend's true intentions (Is he still single? Why is he still single?)

@renoleno I can completely appreciate how things can escalate hence why I asked for advice on this thread as the last thing I want is to ruin a friendship and most importantly taint my marriage.

We speak about more than just our joint hobby/interest but I agree that it's time to maybe cut down on the amount of contact without it being too obvious as I'd hate for him to think there's a problem. It might seem excessive from my side as I don't have many people I speak with on a regular basis but from his side I'm one of many friends he speaks with daily so it's not as if it's a special connection.

@renoleno and I agree with this outlook as it's one I had previously when DH had close female friends as I had to trust his intentions, I know it's hypocritical now but it's because I am sure of mines. 100% different in ways the dynamics of a friendship between a female versus one with a male hence why I'm trying to ensure I'm not overstepping any boundaries.

Should also add re attraction, there is absolutely no physical attraction I've never once looked at him that way and have never found him good looking despite others maybe doing so.

@ohmymyyiaz DH and I are very open in our communication so we've have lots of chats about things like this but will have a proper sit down one this evening so he can properly discuss his thoughts and feelings on the matter.

I definitely agree and would like to think I wouldn't cross that line but we're all human so of course need to be aware. With him being DHs close friend I'd hate to put him in the middle too so wouldn't like to involve him in anything.