I am completely unloved

[applepie9]

My husband of 10 years cannot stand me. I just tried to hug him and he pushed me off, saying I was strangling his neck. We have DC but I cannot take this lack of love anymore. I’m so desperately sad and alone.

What the hell is the point of being with someone who hates me to that extent. I have ZERO affection. I don’t feel there’s any way back from this.

Oh my darling leave him. Leave him as soon as you can. Nobody on the planet deserves to feel the way he is making you feel.

Why are you with him?

I’m with him because of my young DC. Who are so happy and have no idea anything is wrong.

I can’t disrupt their world. I just can’t. But I feel so alone.

Could you try couples counselling? Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?

Yes, we’ve talked. It seems to get through. Then the next day it’s back to square one.

Did you ever feel loved in the relationship? You know that the way human emotions work is that we all pick up the subtle energy between people. People respond to that energy 95% of the time much more than the spoken words.

If you are genuinely not in love your children will completely pick up that and that will become what they understand “love” to be. It will confuse the hell out of them. It will not give them a good blueprint for future relationships.

You need to communicate your feelings to your husband and if things don’t change you need to make the best decisions you can in the situation. Currently that sounds like a horrible life for you all.

Yes, I did feel loved initially, maybe 8 to 10 years ago. Not since. My DC (who are young) don’t pick up on it as we are very civil in front of them.

Please leave. Don't stay for the children. You're not disrupting their world. You'll be giving them a happy mum which is all they need.

You need to start hatching your plans, even if this takes time, even a long time if there are no other problems. Nobody deserves to live the rest of their life without love and mutual support from a partner. Eventually, your children will see through it, or be subjected to some of the misery and when they are adults they can throw it back in your face "why didn't you leave him" "well, actually, because of you". I always think it is hard when mumsnetters say LTB, it is not that straight-forward, and most of us would have been out of the door had we not had children, but because we have them, we tread a different path. If it is unhappy now, it is unlikely to improve. You can try talking but if the other person is not listening and has fell out of love, then you are wasting your time. In my view, children do better with two parents that are happily apart, than two that are miserably together. I am sorry you are going through this, it can feel very lonely. XX

Civil is different to being loving. Children need to see their parents in a loving relationship. Can you try couples counselling to see if you can get back to where you were? Sometimes small resentments build up over time and interfere with intimacy. If he's not willing to try, I would have to leave. You shouldn't have to live in a loveless relationship. You deserve better and so do your children 💐

But if we split up I would be disrupting their world. We’d have to sell our home because neither of us could afford the mortgage on a single salary. Then we would both have to move miles away due to sky high property prices, so the DC would have to leave their school, which they love. Perhaps the best bet is to hang in until the kids are 18.

That is very sad that the love is dropping but honestly I think if it was there then there is a chance to rekindle it. Also I think when kids are young it is common for relationships to become much more difficult.

Civil carries an energy that is not love. Your are mistaken that your children won’t pick up on that lack of love. People read emotions much better than we understand verbal communication. It doesn’t matter how civil you are to one another the kids will become confused thinking civility is love.

Your kids would be better off with a happy mum.

Plenty of couples split up and their children survive. Yes, it's a disruption in the short term but having happy parents is much more important than what house they live in. Don't use the children as an excuse - what if you stay and your partner leaves you? Is it possible he is seeing another woman?

No, he’s definitely not seeing anyone else (yet). He works from home (as do I) and barely goes out in the evenings.

It's horrible isn't it?
Been with my DW for over 20 years, married for 17. When younger, it was not as noticeable as the sexual connection was still fairly strong, so never even thought about it, even though she admitted & her mother confirmed, that she was never a cuddly child and did not require love or affection.
As the years have gone on, it has got worse. Like you, any attempt at a kiss or simple hug, results in being pushed away or being told she is 'too busy for that'. Our 2 girls are now teenagers and they even laugh about it with me and sometimes mention that their friends parents have gone away for a romantic weekend, but say 'not that that's anything you would know about'.
Any sex we do have is usually by prior arrangement, never a spontaneous thing & always initiated by me.
The feeling of being unloved & unwanted starts to wear you down but I do get love from my children who I have a great relationship with.

Ideally, she would leave as she seems to prefer her own company, but I think her narcissistic tendencies mean she will never admit she is a problem and do anything about it, so if the relationship is going to end, it has to be done by me & knowing I will be hammered financially means I am sticking around for now until I can come up with a workable plan.
Sucks doesn't it?!

If you don't feel you can separate at the moment, try to find ways you can value yourself more. A fun zumba or dance class, join a book group, evening class..anything so you can find nice people who value you.

I don't mean to minimise your pain, but if you're not going to leave him at the moment, find ways to improve your happiness and wellbeing.

Did you have children before or after this situation started?

Have you had a discussion about this?

Im only asking because it could be he just doesnt enjoy family life. Some men exhibit properly shitty behaviour after having kids.

That sounds really grim for you. It is so difficult when people aren’t capable of showing warmth or affection. I grew up with parents who were like that. It was really horrible having that lacking in that relationship but it would have been really horrible marrying someone like that too. You and the OP have my sympathy, you deserve more.

Your husband will.probably fond live elsewhere by then. Would that be OK or make you feel worse? You're not happy, he doesn't love you the only solution is for you both to give yourselves a chance to be happy and loved by parting.