Married for 40 years, how can I leave?

[SplitorStay]

I am happy enough in my marriage but no longer feel loving towards my DH. This has come about after intimacy started to dwindle 12 years ago. He has ED and I have tried to get him to see his GP but he flatly refuses. He had been using viagra but this has not been effective for some years. We've tried other ways to be intimate but he is just not interested in trying.
I have been having a relationship with AP for 4 months. My AP is extremely loving, just to be held by him is wonderful.Our relationship slowly developed from friendship. I am 59 and my DH is 74 so would I be cruel to leave him at his age or should I look after my own happiness?
Leaving DH would mean dividing up our assests (our home and savings). Also his substantial pension. He always said we did not need to sort out a pension for me as his would be enough. I thought I would always want us to be together.
I can't give AP up. So do I carry on as we are or do I leave? It feels unfair to leave DH just to split and live on my own and leave him on his own unnecessarily. It's too early to decide to move in with AP at this point. If I don't stay with AP why cause all the unnecessary grief for my DH. I care about DH but he us not the loving husband I thought he would be.
I never expected to find myself in this situation and need help in sorting my feelings out and deciding on what to do.

I think you leave, get a divorce, see what happens with AP. Your husband should have made more effort to satisfy you sexually; you shouldn't have started an affair.

I think you should talk to DH and make it clear that you’re seriously thinking about leaving him. Don’t mention the AP.

Does he know the effect his refusal to see his GP has had on you? If he took your concerns seriously, would that help you to decide to stay?

Having an affair is horribly cruel to your DH, and he hasn’t been considerate of your needs by refusing to sort out the intimacy problems. Can you talk it all through? Get marriage counselling? Or do you feel it’s too little too late?

I did talk it through earlier this year with DH and he made some attempt at intimacy but it was short lived. After I became involved with AP I raised it again with DH. He said he wanted us to stay together but if I wanted to separate he would support me with that decision.
You say an affair is horribly cruel, but I wonder if he would actually prefer me to stay and turn a blind eye to a discreet affair?

I think the problem is your age gap. I don't think a lot of man at his age will be having regular sex but of course at your age it's quite normal to want it.

To be honest I wouldn't put a great hope in the affair partner. I think I would base my decision on whether I would leave even if I didn't have anyone to go to

Have you ever had a hypothetical conversation about infidelity? What do you think he would say if he knew?

There are a lot of couples out there where one is having a bit on the side, or a sequence of bits. I don't think it's the worst thing you can do to someone and I don't know what a person from whom sex has been withdrawn is supposed to do. But I have to say I think you sound emotional already and to make this work you have to be ruthlessly disciplined about not being found out and frankly to keep a chip of ice in your heart. If your marriage is a priority for you then AP can only ever be secondary.

If you don't think that sounds like you, then you're not being kind, you are setting yourself up for a bitter and disastrous divorce and knowing you caused your husband huge pain. Maybe you need to put at least some cards on the table and discuss opening your marriage. He might be OK with it.

Ask him if he minds you fucking someone else. He's the only one who can say yes or no.

The dudes 74 for gods sake.

Can’t you just carry on as you are? Stay with DH but see AP on the side

I'm presuming he's already taken his pension. In which case you are not likely to get half of his monthly pension income. You'll have to get a job unless you've got savings to share.

He's an old man at 74, I doubt many are having regular sex. The problem is the age gap is now showing, you really shouldn't have started an affair.

Yes he has. Surely his private pension is part of the marital assets?

Stay as you are op, nobody needs to know

At your age you are still capable and would be expected to work and provide your own income, at his age he will not be expected to work , so his need should be greater than yours and while you might be entitled to a portion of his pension, as a pensioner his need could be quite high

You need to get out of there, for both your sakes.
You should also not be concerned about whether it is cruel to leave a 74 year old, given that he was 34 marrying a 19 year old...

You can’t want to take his pension surely?

Absolute snakes!

Yeah crack on OP, take all his pension, kick him out the marital home put him in a care home and then move your shag piece in.

Go you.

👏👏👏

This is very sad.
If you leave your husband don't take half his dish

Dosh

Someone said " Your husband should have made more effort to satisfy you sexually"
And I fell off my chair.
Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Does this also apply to wives who go off sex?

40 years is not nothing . You’ve been with him all your adult life and say you’re happy enough. It’s alot to throw away over a four month affair. I understand why you have someone else, 12 years is also a long time to have not had a proper love life but think carefully and take your time before making a decision would be my advice. Can you see yourself living alone ?

"i wonder if he would actually prefer me to stay and turn a blind eye to a discreet affair?"

People use this one a lot to convince themselves having an affair is ok, to have their cake and eat jt.

@Foxblue I don't see how the age thing is relevant. She was 19, an adult and we don't know the circumstances. There are many happy marriages with a 15 year age gap.
At 74 years of age, it is no surprise he is having intimacy issues - heck, I'm 42 and I can't be arsed half the time. He has tried at least but seems as if he is just tired and at a stage in life where he just wants home comforts. You don't clearly - so stop having an affair and decide whether you want to be with him, regardless of the affair or not.

59 year old woman walks out on husband for some dick. And to add insult to injury it was a friend where things "developed". How many times do people say he's only a friend nothing more.... yet there he was, ready to pounce as soon as cracks showed in the marriage.

Whats great about this thread is it busts open a loand of MN folklore bollcks.

Leave for your AP and make sure you take half of DH pension. He’s had every chance to make this work and hasn’t bothered his arse. He could have sensually snogged and fingered you once a week and I bet you’d have been happy. But he couldn’t be arsed .

LOL, is that a joke post! ^

@SplitorStay I agree with the posters here saying YABU. Your DH has done nothing wrong and your behaviour is poor. A 15 year age gap may have seemed OK some 40 years ago, but it becomes a problem when you're 59 and 74.

End the affair FGS and work on your marriage!