Married for 40 years, how can I leave?

[SplitorStay]

I am happy enough in my marriage but no longer feel loving towards my DH. This has come about after intimacy started to dwindle 12 years ago. He has ED and I have tried to get him to see his GP but he flatly refuses. He had been using viagra but this has not been effective for some years. We've tried other ways to be intimate but he is just not interested in trying.
I have been having a relationship with AP for 4 months. My AP is extremely loving, just to be held by him is wonderful.Our relationship slowly developed from friendship. I am 59 and my DH is 74 so would I be cruel to leave him at his age or should I look after my own happiness?
Leaving DH would mean dividing up our assests (our home and savings). Also his substantial pension. He always said we did not need to sort out a pension for me as his would be enough. I thought I would always want us to be together.
I can't give AP up. So do I carry on as we are or do I leave? It feels unfair to leave DH just to split and live on my own and leave him on his own unnecessarily. It's too early to decide to move in with AP at this point. If I don't stay with AP why cause all the unnecessary grief for my DH. I care about DH but he us not the loving husband I thought he would be.
I never expected to find myself in this situation and need help in sorting my feelings out and deciding on what to do.

This is the issue in an age gap as you get older my husband is alot older than me I worry about this happening

Till death do us part and all that. Not till hubby cant get a stiffy but good "friend" Jeff from the bowls club can still get a semi and make you feel like a woman.

I would divorce him, you may need to be his carer at some point soon or you get. A chance to re live your life with new person

Age gap is the issue here I think

If I don't stay with AP why cause all the unnecessary grief for my DH.

And yourself, of course. I think you aren't being quite honest with yourself here. Apart from that, my suggestion is that you tell your DH. He may be ok with it.

You can have an affair and expect his pension. I can see why you wanted the affair but best to end the marriage first.

Meant to say can't!

So you were 19 and he was in his 30s? No idea what a fully grown man that age wants with a teenager but I guess that's a different topic.
When you say he always said you didn't need to worry about a pension, does that mean all money went to his private pension and not one for you? If that's the case, you absolutely should have a sharr of that pension.
You should never have started the affair however if you aren't happy, leave. It's honestly that simple. You get one life so I would just go. It doesn't matter what your reasons are or who understands them or not. If you want to leave, just do it.
Also everyone acting like 74 is an 'old man' someone said a woman in there 70s was old on another thread and was attacked and called ageist by many, many posters!

Surprising what some people think. I happen to think it would not be the end of the world if you carried on. I don't think it's cruel. A tad daft to say you had "no idea" this could happen, when it was always a higher chance of it with the age gap.
He's had years to address it, but hasn't, so if he found out about AP, it's no surprise, you've told him it's important to you, he hasn't done anything, so he's had plenty of fair warning.
What you shouldn't do is split your marriage to be with AP. As a person your AP can't be all that, will have some emotional and self-esteem issues, otherwise he wouldn't be satisfied with being an AP.
You could try asking him in a hyperthetical way. It isn't impossible he'd be accepting of it under the circumstances. Ideally, you really could and should of found out his opinion prior to an affair happening. Sounds like you both bury your head in the sand to a degree.

I would have thought that once a pension is being paid it becomes more like a wage - you don't get half of someone's wages in a divorce settlement

In terms of minimising unhappiness and maximising happiness, continuing with the affair, discreetly, might be the best option.

Thank you for your understanding. Yes that's it with regard to the pension. I do work part-time and have worked throughout our marriage and earned good money. When I look back I realise I should have prioritised my own pension. I also did not work for a period when bringing up our children.
I do however have substantial savings which also generate a small income for both of us. But I understand this would be divided between us both if we divorce.
It's the leaving that would be hard. I know it would devastate him. I believe he would be fair without the need for lawyers. If the affair with AP comes to nothing then why cause all the unnecessary heart break, for me too?
Lots on here have given me their ugly, others have been kind. Keep going as I'm looking for opinions and answers. I know I'm doing wrong and would never have believed I could do this but I'm only human and it has happened. Don't dwell on the sexual side people, it's the warmth, cuddles and love that I need. The sex has only happened very recently, AP and I have a strong bond and shared interests and talk a lot. It's the closeness to someone that is wonderful for me.
Again spot on, 74 is not old! DH is very fit and active but most likely in 10 years he will be old.

If you did not have AP, would you honestly say you are completely happy to spend the rest of his life with him, exactly as things are now?

You sound awful OP - wanting to go after his pension when he's retired and you're young enough to still be working full time? How grabby can you be? Worried about being cruel by leaving him when you're having an affair behind his back? What a joke - you'd be doing him a huge favour.

If you think he'd be fine with you shagging someone else then ask him - it is not your place to make huge decisions like that on his behalf. You are allowed to not want to stay in a relationship with no sex, but you don't get to decide that your OH is happy for you to shag someone else behind his back. People like you make me sick.

What is your AP situation? Does he have a partner too? Is he a similar age to you? Hard to know why he'd put up with being an AP, unless he's in a similar boat?

Break up with AP because cheating is wrong. Then figure out what you want.

Yet another thread where because it’s a woman people are minimising the fact that she’s shagging someone else.

Of course sex isn’t going to be the same at 74 as it is at 59, it’s ludicrous to think that it would be.

As for grasping at the marital assets, feeling you should be entitled to his pension because it’s a marital asset, how distasteful.

Why not wait another ten years, he’ll probably be dead by then anyway, then you can skip off happily into the sunset with the AP. Or not.

Honestly I think it would be shitty to leave your 74 year old husband of forty years because he has ED.

It would actually be less shitty to continue your affair and possibly remarry when you are a widow (I am not for one moment suggesting you want that day to come! Just being realistic.)

Are you reading the same thread? The OP has been roasted for this on the majority of replies.

We have been conditioned to think that because people are generally more active as they are older it seems to mean that they are not classified as old. I'm sorry but 74 is old. Its not elderly but it is old. If you have a chest infection at 74 you are far more likely to end up with pneumonia and in hospital that at 59. Thats the reality.

@SplitorStay Im sorry you have been unsatisfied for so long. I dont think many would judge to a certain degree your looking else where. Being together with your DH for so long there is a lot of history to just walk away from so its a really hard complex situation.

Perhaps your DH doesnt want to have sex anymore. Perhaps the ED issues he has had for the past 12 years have worn him down and he doesnt want to bother with it anymore. That is a perfectly valid feeling as is yours for still wanting sex (more intimacy).

Ultimately its easy for people on here to say do this or do that, but your reality is whatever you do there are no 'winners'. If i were in your position and the relationship other than the intimacy issue was good, i may continue with the AP for the time being and review in 3-6 months time. If you have stronger feelings towards leaving then make a decision then.

When it comes to divorcing i suspect given your ages your DH will walk away with more than you. Regardless if he is fit or not, you have another 8-9 years of working ability in front of you, he doesnt. He is a pensioner and as a result i suspect he will get a fair bit more of the 50/50 split. All that has to be taken into consideration, as does the likely hood of him being aroud in 10 years time. You would still be young enough to have a life, as harsh as that sounds.

You never know your husband might not be able to get it up because he no longer finds you attractive. He might even be having a bit on the side himself .

If you divorce and split the assets - are there enough assets for both your old age? Think housing, quality of life, care (and what kind of care). Obviously, there is no crystal ball but you can make some assumptions. Given you can still work for the next 10 years, I would suggest you start maximising this - which I acknowledge may not be how you thought your life would pan out at this age, but if the assets aren't enough for both of you, then you are in a position to add to the pot. If you divorce, you will likely be expected to take less from the current pot, knowing that you can supplement your part in the near term.

As for the AP - I'd treat that as a symptom of your unhappiness. Its really a distraction from the bigger issue which is your dissatisfaction with how your life is, and honestly as your DH ages and you take on more caring duties this dissatisfaction is likely to grow. Put the AP to one side, if they didn't exist would you stay and if so why? For the money/comfort or for the connection? If you would leave anyway, then get on with that but do so with your eyes wide open.

You never know your husband might not be able to get it up because he no longer finds you attractive

@MulberryMush Do you honestly, genuinely feel better for that? Really?

You obviously have at least amical love and concern for your husband and .Life isn’t black or white. Maybe your DH would prefer to turn a blind eye and not know, an affair isn’t always the end of the world. If you’re unhappy then yes you only have one life so leave if it’s for that reason, but don’t rush in to anything would be my advice and think about if you would want to live a single life if it should come to that.

He's 74. Leave things as they are. It helps no-one to upset the apple cart at this stage of his life.

He’s old now, and in ten years you will be knocking on 70 yourself. And when he said about his pension that was for you both to share, not for you to take half and run off with some other bloke. No matter how much you try to justify this, it feels morally reprehensible

is the man you’re shagging also married?