Ex-situationship back in touch

[Namechange3839]

I had a situationship on and off for a few years between the ages of 18-22 (there was a long gap of not being in touch in the middle). It was never anything more because he lived several hours drive away and then we got back in touch when I was shortly out of a relationship and not ready to commit (although I have no idea if he would have ever wanted anything more). We did genuinely connect and it felt quite intense when we were together, at least for me.

The last time we saw each other we went on holiday together. We had an amazing time and when we got back I tried to wire him the money I owed from the trip. That day my online banking was down but I kept trying to send the payment and eventually realised it had gone through twice. When I told him he said he’d send it back - I followed up a few times but he never paid it back. At the time I felt really awkward about it and thought maybe he thought I was trying to rip him off. I stopped hearing from him after that.

Fast forward more than a decade and I get a message from him asking for my bank details to repay the money and generally asking how I am. I replied just answering his questions and asking the same back and he replied saying that he’s happily married with 3 kids… and that he had an amazing holiday so has felt guilty about not repaying since… he also gives me his phone number and suggests I reply on WhatsApp if I want to stay in touch.

I’m not sure what to make of it - why now? I understand him wanting to ease his conscience by repaying but why would he want to stay in touch. Is this genuine & he wants to be friends? Is he going through a rocky patch in his relationship & looking for a distraction?

I’m also happily married and I genuinely really like this guy as a person and have super warm feelings towards him because he’s shown me a lot of kindness when I was struggling in the past. I’d be happy to be in touch occasionally as friends but also don’t feel any need to keep in touch. I’ve never really had a genuine male friend as the male friends I’ve had have always turned out to have ulterior motives and come onto me which makes me a bit suspicious, especially with this message coming out of nowhere after so many years.

What would you make of this? I don’t want to be cold or rude but also don’t want to be used if he does have ulterior motives!

Let him pay you back but he isn't looking for a friend, he'll be looking to sext you for attention. Just don't communicate even on a 'friendly' level, you never know if he will try and sabotage your relationship with your husband, not worth it.

Accept his refund, and let everything else lie.

So he kept your money but you felt awkward about it. 😅 Oh dear. What a dick he was.

I'd let him pay you back, if he actually does.

But wouldn't indulge it further. He's after an "in" for a shag, I reckon. Probably dusted off his little black book to try to get an ego boost.

What a jerk.
He’s no friend. He kept your money and ghosted you.

Let him pay you. Then ghost the fucker. Nothing good will come of staying in touch.

Play nice until the money is safely in your account then block him on everything. He’s looking for a flirtation or an affair.

I think if you're being honest you know he's fishing for a reunion shag/affair.

I'd carry on the pretence of being 'friends' (not sure friends steal from each other) until he pays you back. But I don't think that's going to happen, there will likely be conditions, like he has to give you the money in person, probably with you extracting it from his pocket yourself

No man who is “happily married” with 3 kids contacts an ex after a decade for no reason, please take your rose tinted glasses off and don’t be so naïve! 🤣

He’s just looking to rekindle your FWB situation from before. The whole repaying the money was just an “in” to start the conversation rolling. Carry on the polite conversation until he’s repaid you, then block and delete.

Get the refund and block him.

By accepting the money you are basically saying yes, I'm interested in picking up where we left off
Block, you know exactly where this is going.

This.

You don't need the money it's been 10 years don't get caught up in this. He sounds like a user he may have shown you kindness during a tough period which is nice but you don't owe him anything. Maybe you were vulnerable and he took advantage of your kindness. Block him he is a user and he wants attention, if he is so happily married he wouldn't need female friends.

This

How much money was it ?

Thanks everyone, that was my first instinct too!

Not meaning to drip feed but the things that made me doubt myself were:

• the tone of his messages didn’t sound flirtatious except maybe the reference to having an amazing time on our trip
• I told him I’m expecting a baby in my message and his response was that he’s chuffed for us. When he said about keeping in touch he said he’d love to hear more about me preparing for this next chapter. It would be so weird to pursue an affair with a pregnant woman this way although no doubt there are men who have done it!
• Unlike with a lot of guys, I’ve never had that instinct that he’s a bit of creep (which is probably why I doubted myself over the money & thought it was a misunderstanding).
• He’s incredibly conventionally good looking and has one of those super positive, extroverted personalities that draws people to him. He’s always had loads of friends, male and female and if he wanted an affair I think he could find someone pretty fast.

I’d actually feel weird about taking the money after so long so I think I’ll reply suggesting he spends it on something nice for his wife to ease his conscience and just not answer all his follow up (small talk) questions or acknowledge the comment about keeping in touch.

£338 - he told me the exact amount in the message which I never would have remembered!

I'd accept the money (I mean, it's your money!), and then keep an eye out for any issues in future.

I don't see any immediate red flags from you've said, but it's good to be alert.

Maybe ask for interest too 😄.

Accept the refund. Be polite but keep your distance if you value your marriage.

It wasn't right. If it was things would have worked out differently - it belongs in the past - leave it there.

£338 will come in handy when you are on maternity leave. Accept the money and then disengage. After all, he owes it to you!

I disagree. By accepting the refund, she is simply taking back funds owed to her. Why shouldn't she?

The Bank of England's inflation calculator says that £338 in 2014 is the equivalent of £456.53 now btw.

😂😂 “Happy to accept the refund but according to the Bank of England you’ll find it’s £456.53 you owe me”. It was actually 2012 so probably more!

Maybe he's doing the 12 steps or something.