Ex-situationship back in touch

[Namechange3839]

I had a situationship on and off for a few years between the ages of 18-22 (there was a long gap of not being in touch in the middle). It was never anything more because he lived several hours drive away and then we got back in touch when I was shortly out of a relationship and not ready to commit (although I have no idea if he would have ever wanted anything more). We did genuinely connect and it felt quite intense when we were together, at least for me.

The last time we saw each other we went on holiday together. We had an amazing time and when we got back I tried to wire him the money I owed from the trip. That day my online banking was down but I kept trying to send the payment and eventually realised it had gone through twice. When I told him he said he’d send it back - I followed up a few times but he never paid it back. At the time I felt really awkward about it and thought maybe he thought I was trying to rip him off. I stopped hearing from him after that.

Fast forward more than a decade and I get a message from him asking for my bank details to repay the money and generally asking how I am. I replied just answering his questions and asking the same back and he replied saying that he’s happily married with 3 kids… and that he had an amazing holiday so has felt guilty about not repaying since… he also gives me his phone number and suggests I reply on WhatsApp if I want to stay in touch.

I’m not sure what to make of it - why now? I understand him wanting to ease his conscience by repaying but why would he want to stay in touch. Is this genuine & he wants to be friends? Is he going through a rocky patch in his relationship & looking for a distraction?

I’m also happily married and I genuinely really like this guy as a person and have super warm feelings towards him because he’s shown me a lot of kindness when I was struggling in the past. I’d be happy to be in touch occasionally as friends but also don’t feel any need to keep in touch. I’ve never really had a genuine male friend as the male friends I’ve had have always turned out to have ulterior motives and come onto me which makes me a bit suspicious, especially with this message coming out of nowhere after so many years.

What would you make of this? I don’t want to be cold or rude but also don’t want to be used if he does have ulterior motives!

What an odd man remembering the amount he ripped you off. I so want you to invoice him this inflation amount plus interest 🤣. But maybe that’s engaging too much.

Don’t feel bad about accepting the money unless you will find it difficult to explain to your partner. Could get it paid into your PayPal and use it for Christmas presents. Also I wouldn’t say treat your wife with it. A bit pointed.

If you decide not to have the money I would just say something like ‘how about give it to Samaritans this Xmas’ or something like that.

Aren’t some men utterly strange?

I don't understand why you wouldn't take it, especially as you're having a baby now. I would tell him the figures adjusted for inflation but that you're happy to accept the original amount and leave it to him to pay as he sees fit

Would you be ok if your husband struck up a friendship with good looking ex out of nowhere? I wouldn't ... when you are married you have to make wise choices about these sorts of things. I think the wise thing to do is tell your husband everything (if you haven't already) and tell the ex that you are happy to be repaid but don't want to maintain contact... wish you the best etc.

Obviously take the money. It's yours, after all.

Then just ask him things directly instead of trying to second-guess him? It's unusual to get back in touch with someone after over a decade completely unprompted so I would literally ask him why he'd decided to do it. "He wants a shag" is certainly a possibility but MN is very sex-obsessed and it's not the only possibility. Recently a friend I haven't seen in six years got back in touch with me (male friend but we were never more than platonic) because he felt he'd neglected and lost touch with a lot of people during covid.

I would definitely also ask why he didn't pay the money back at the time because that was out of order, he took your £338 and ran. I'd want an apology for that because it's a significant amount for a 22yo.

Get the money, block him after. He wants a shag. Happily married? , fantastic holidays? Yes, sure.

I did say when I replied that it was out of the blue and asked what had suddenly made him contact me about it now. His response was “That debt has continued to bother me. Having had a genuinely incredible holiday with you, and so many great memories in (redacted university city name) with you too, it's just felt like a real black spot - one I'm very keen to make amends.”

It doesn’t really explain why he waited 12 years but I’m not going to interrogate him about it now. I guess he took it out of greed and opportunism? It was easy to keep it, he didn’t have much money at the time, I’d made it clear I didn’t want a relationship, we didn’t live anywhere near each other or have mutual friends we were both still in contact with, so he thought he had nothing to lose and could get away with it? Pretty awful behaviour and I think if there was a better, more redeeming explanation he would have volunteered it in his first 2 messages.

He’s told you that being in your debt is bothering him. He wants to repay you; let him. Buy yourself something nice with it. End of story.

It just feels a bit icky taking his money somehow? I know he owes it to me but it’s been so long it doesn’t really feel like mine anymore if that makes sense.

He owed it to me when we were 22 and single. Now that’s his family money and while it would be nice to have I don’t need it. It hasn’t even crossed my mind for 10 years.

Stop overthinking it and speculating. If you don’t want repaying, block. Otherwise, take the money with thanks and move on. This probably isn’t about you but his need to make amends.

The fact it was a situationship suggests you both had difficulty with boundaries at the time. You can now draw your own line and stick to it. No need to stay in touch or respond to his niceties. You could just say you appreciate his gesture and would be grateful for him paying you back; or that you appreciate his gesture but no need to repay. Then no need to think of him again.

Here is my reading between the lines. He has know for 12 years that he owes you that money. Something recently sparked a memory of you for him and he felt he would like some of that lovely attention you used to pay him back in the day but he knew he’d have to pay you back what he essentially stole from you to get it.

You are also looking for the attention he paid you and so you aren’t taking the money and running instantly shutting down someone who has shown themselves to be untrustworthy towards you in the past.

It's certainly bad enough behaviour that it warrants an apology after 10 years so in light of that I might acually believe he just wants to make amends. I might accept the apology and even the money but he still showed his character in a big way by stealing from you, and I wouldn't be fussed about keeping him in my life.

Nothing good will come of this.

You wouldn't be taking his money. It's your money. Let him pay you back, you never agreed to pay his half of the holiday after all. You could get something nice for the baby with that money, or yourself!

Then block him. It doesn't need to be a moral dilemma.

This does sound very accurate

It's not icky to take money owed to you.

Take it.

Keep it polite but not too friendly.

But get your money back.

10 years?
This is a trick to get you engage with him and to open the gateway to something more. His intentions are not good!

If you don’t really need the money I’d just ignore and block all further communication. Clearly your intuition is telling you something is fishy about this or you wouldn’t be posting here about it.