OH's past - why can't I get over it

[WorkerBee926]

My OH & I have been together for almost a year. It's a great relationship. He's warm, loving, thoughtful, everything I've ever wanted. I know I'm in love with and I believe him when he says he's in love with me. I have absolutely no reason to think he has or would be unfaithful to me and I really hope that we spend the rest of our lives together. It feels like a fantastic and healthy relationship, apart from one thing...

He's had such a life before we got together. He has a job that takes him around the world, literally, a few times a year. He's lived all over the world. He's had long term relationships before but has no kids. And for some reason, I really struggle to ask about his past relationships, I feel very insecure about it all, because I've had a very simple life. I still live in the town where I grew up. I've been out of Europe only a handful of times. I earn significantly less than him, and yes I am younger than him.

We were flicking through photo memories on our phones in bed the other day and he had a memory come up, from years ago, of being in a hotel room, watching tv with a beer and there was a pole dancer in the corner of the room, I also once saw OnlyFans open on his phone, a few months ago, and these things make me feel very weird. Should they?

How do you know it was a pole dancer in the corner of the room?

You need to speak to him. He may be bored of that exciting life and be looking to settle down.

The Only Fans think is a bit of an ick.

There was a pole on a platform and she was dancing on it for him whilst he was laying on the bed.

I have just realised now that I've jumped to the conclusion that she was a pro and not just a girl dancing for him though

watching tv with a beer and there was a pole dancer in the corner of the room

🤣🤣 what?
what was she doing? Dancing? Standing? Sitting? Was she also drinking?

I don’t understand that one. If she was just there with him, then so what? Pole dancers are allowed boyfriends/flings too.

The only fans thing I would have a HUGE problem with though if it was hike you were together. Don’t you have to pay for that? That’s a bit bigger than just watching a bit of free porn during some solo time

I didn’t even know there were paid gigs specifically like that!

However the OnlyFans thing sounds recent and if that was in your relationship time then I would be very concerned

Your current discovery of Only Fans should be your chief concern. If he's previously had a play boy lifestyle it looks like he is still paying for female attention. I would not be ok with that at all and would not consider l was in a great relationship!

Are you sure it was a hotel room and not a private room in a strip club- some clubs have rooms with couches or beds and clients can get private dances on them.
From what you have seen I would be very wary about him and his attitude to women: that they are there to be bought when he wants them.

All too sleazy for me. Especially recent OF.

You should be worried about his past. Pole dancing stripper? only fans? He has shallow and exploitative relationships with women. That is the relationship he prefers. Ultimately he won’t change for you.

Well he clearly thinks women and sex can be paid for.

Does it actually matter if it was a hotel or not?

@WorkerBee926 some men are very good at making you think they love you & your relationship is 'special' this is a classic 'small town girl meets older bloke, flashy, play boy'

It will end in heart ache & not his.

I hadn't thought of that either. I literally only saw it for a fraction of a second. I can't even guarantee it was him, just a hand holding a bottle of beer... maybe someone sent it to him.

This is my issue, I lack the confidence to pipe up and ask... or stop the scroll and say "Hey, what's going on there...??"

How can I build myself up to doing that??

His past isn't the problem. His using Only Fans while in a supposedly exclusive relationship with you is the problem. He is seeking sexual gratification outside of your relationship. That would be enough for me to end it.

Only fans means he is happy to pay women for sex.

I would be repulsed by this.

A pole-dancing pole on a platform in the corner of a hotel bedroom?

How quaint.

I think as difficult as it can be to accept the life a partner had before you but you can never hold it against them. There’s not much I can do about having a son before I met my husband or the one night stands after boozy nights out. He didn’t exsist in my world back then but he does now and I’m committed and faithful to him. He was a rugby player and he’s had his fair share of women, I don’t think any less of him. If anything he’s learnt a lot and I certainly benefit from it 😂

Thanks @TinyR3bel that's actually really helpful. I honestly don't hold it against him and I'm not repulsed by it. My honest first thought was "oh, she's more attractive than me" not yuk a woman pole dancing.

I appreciate that dropping the OF bomb might have been a mistake in here, because I think people see that and make judgements. Which are all fair and people are allowed their opinions. My worry is more about my reaction to having seen these things and my insecurities that I'm not enough or cannot be enough to satisfy someone I love.

It sounds like you can’t be yourself and comfortable with who you are in this relationship. That’s usually because there is a power balance issue and you are unlikely to get over that. It’s not normal to feel so uncomfortable about having conversations about absolutely everything after almost a year. I don’t think this is the relationship for you, he is doing something that isn’t right and that forces you to dull your personality.

Re-frame this - why aren't you comfortable asking him the question?

Personally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone using OF, but only you can decide what you are and are not happy with. Regardless, if you feel comfortable enough to have sex with him, then surely you should be comfortable enough to ask him questions about something that's bothering you?

What stops you asking about the pole dancing and OF? In terms of are you enough etc, you'd need to first decide what your boundaries are around these things then speak to him to hear and see his. If they don't match, you need to be happy to walk away. If you're happy him using OF, fine. But I'd you're not, I wouldn't accept it from a relationship just because he's older and flashy. You can't make someone change but you can decide what to accept.

Ok, you e got a serious problem with yourself or your relatiinship or both if you can’t ask your boyfriend of a year a straight question.

What is alarming me is that you sound incredibly naive and blinkered, with all your awe for a guy whose purchase of women’s bodies you seem to see as a sign of his jet setting sophistication!

You sound as if you’ve got ‘second Mrs de Winter’ syndrome. I’d suggest you either find a humdrum smalltown boy your own age, or alternatively, go out and live in other countries, have some adventures of your own. Anyth8ng to get you away from obsessing about someone ease’s past.

Boutique hotel?

My worry is more about my reaction to having seen these things and my insecurities that I'm not enough or cannot be enough to satisfy someone I love.

This is a problem that I used to have. It’s a problem because you accept unacceptable behaviour in an attempt to “be enough” and it makes you incredibly vulnerable to falling into abusive behaviour. I’d urge you to get some counselling or therapy around this, or to live as an independent single woman for a good amount of time, so that you can improve your self esteem.

This should say “falling into abusive relationships”