OH's past - why can't I get over it

[WorkerBee926]

My OH & I have been together for almost a year. It's a great relationship. He's warm, loving, thoughtful, everything I've ever wanted. I know I'm in love with and I believe him when he says he's in love with me. I have absolutely no reason to think he has or would be unfaithful to me and I really hope that we spend the rest of our lives together. It feels like a fantastic and healthy relationship, apart from one thing...

He's had such a life before we got together. He has a job that takes him around the world, literally, a few times a year. He's lived all over the world. He's had long term relationships before but has no kids. And for some reason, I really struggle to ask about his past relationships, I feel very insecure about it all, because I've had a very simple life. I still live in the town where I grew up. I've been out of Europe only a handful of times. I earn significantly less than him, and yes I am younger than him.

We were flicking through photo memories on our phones in bed the other day and he had a memory come up, from years ago, of being in a hotel room, watching tv with a beer and there was a pole dancer in the corner of the room, I also once saw OnlyFans open on his phone, a few months ago, and these things make me feel very weird. Should they?

I have just realised now that I've jumped to the conclusion that she was a pro and not just a girl dancing for him though

Sigh of relief - it was only a pole-dancing girl on a platform in his hotel room!

This

You need to have some self confidence and boundaries in a relationship to keep yourself safe, you are already feeling that you are not enough, and that suggests that your boundaries are already being crossed. You need to work on building your self confidence. Is this the right relationship if you don’t feel you can talk to him about it?

I would monitor his phone quietly and see what he’s up to, after I would sit with him and have a calm conversation where you get to ask him about the pole stripper and what is he looking at in OF. If you can’t ask him These simple things You are not ready to be in a healthy relationship, if he freaks out because you looked at his phone he’s not ready to be in a healthy relationship either.

relationships are “fine and dandy” till someone looks at the other persons phone.

You feel overawed by this man and that does not make for an equal relationship. Just because you are dazzled by him, he’s just a man and you are every inch his equal.
Even if it was in the past, I would feel sick seeing the pole dancer pic. While we all entitled to memories on our phones, you would think someone with any sense would delete it.
As for the OF, that would turn my stomach as well.
It is not about you not being enough.

Hmmm, do you actually know much about his past? Given the little you do know, I'd be asking lots of questions. Sure, everyone has a past, but if he's had decades of dubious activities then that is probably who he is. For me it's not even about how people behave but also his character, how he view women and relationships. All of this is important in a long term partner.

I would bet my house she wasn't just a friend, pole dancing for him!

Of course we make judgements about Only Fans! It's men paying for sex in one form or another.

What a depressing post. Your self-esteem is in the gutter and this man is disgusting.

Perhaps she was draped in a Polish flag?

Please don't monitor his phone. It's a new relationship. You know what you've seen (the OF at least). Have the confidence to have a discussion based on what your expectations are in a relationship, not gathering more evidence.

Phone monitoring is understandable if cheating is suspected but there isn't a smoking gun in a long established relationship when leaving would be a big wrench, not when a new boyfriend is making you uncomfortable to speak to about what you know you've seen.

What do you think your sex life is like ?

My oh was originally a bit intimidated by my past, but the thing is substance, companionship, love , laughs , support everything and no sex is as good as in love sex.

Do you think you connect ? Chemistry ?

Yeah 2 different things from my point of view!

A colourful past ( not including prostitutes) you need to find a a way of working through that!
Lots of people do lots of things in their earlier years that they wouldn't necessarily do now!

A current only fans account, with him interacting with anyone on there now he needs dumping sharpish!

I too am a bit on the fence when it comes to monitoring someone’s phone (specially in a new relationship, it’s not that cool), problem is if she confronts him about the OF thing he’s probably going to gaslight her into “I heard my ex coworker has an OF and just wanted to check if it’s true but I never paid or log into it”. I believe the OP has suspicions and her gut is telling her something hence the reason I encouraged her to take a further in-depth look at his phone so she gets some hard evidence before confronting him.

Oh for fuck’s sake. Your insecurities are natural and inevitable if you are discovering he is used to ordering up his sex partners from a catalog and renting a different one whenever he chooses.

the fact that you are embarrassed and insecure says nothing about you and everything about him and the anxiety inducing relationship you are in.

What's the age difference between you? Is it significant?
There is a definite feel of a power imbalance between you from your posts.
None of this bodes well for a healthy relationship when it's only a year in.
And suggesting you "monitor his phone" is so odd. Do people really do that kind of thing??

Your self esteem sounds poor if your first thought on seeing the poledancer is "she's more attractive than me".

You obviously see him as the prize and I think that's quite dangerous for you.

You've identified that you need to feel able to ask him about things. I think that would be linked with feeling equal in the relationship.

What are your fears? That if you dare to ask him "what's going on there then?" he'll huff or walk out or what? What's that based on?

From my understanding you saw the photos but didn't ask him what the context of it was.

I think you need to have a conversation with him about this. Ask him outright what the situation was. If you don't it's going to continue to eat away at you which ultimately will damage the relationship.

It's a depressing fact that lots of men who travel overseas use sex workers.

Once you have the facts you can decide if this is something your comfortable with or not.

Op I don't mean to be rude but it's clear to me that you are completely incompatible. Do you really think that this man who has lived quite that life of travelling, doing whatever he wants is going to want to be with someone who hasn't even moved from her hometown and seen life the way he has? Even more so if you have kids, do you?

You are scared to ask him about anything because deep down you are thinking what is he doing with you when he could be living larger and you don't want to rock the boat.

@WorkerBee926 "I appreciate that dropping the OF bomb might have been a mistake in here, because I think people see that and make judgements" well, yes. Of course they do.

You say he's older than you-how much older?

If my current partner was signed up to and viewing Only Fans whilst in a relationship with me it would be game over. I cannot fathom how women downplay it just like you are doing now.

If you don't have the confidence to ask questions that are important to you then perhaps you aren't ready for a relationship. You've been together over a year, at what point will you be able to be open? So many women end up in terrible relationships because they don't communicate and actually find out who their partner is. Pole dancers and only fans sounds pretty sleazy to me.

He sounds like a sleazebag.

I wouldn’t be bothered about his past. But using Only Fans, and continuing when he’s months into a relationship, would put me off. You need a serious talk with him, if you still want to give this relationship a chance.

He's in a year long relationship with you and has an OF account?

Girl what are you doing? Get rid of this sleaze. Worried you're not good enough for him? He's not good enough for you!!