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Original poster

Unsure about date

30 replies

MintChocolatexxx · 23/11/2024 10:42

I am nearly 35 years old, desperate for a baby and to start a family. Been OLD for a few years. I have been on a couple of dates with a man who I have things in common with and think is a nice, genuine guy. But there are a few things which i'm not sure about and I find are putting me off. Are these Red Flags or should I give him a chance?

  • He is 39 years old and currently lives with parents. He got into debt when travelling a few years back and moved back home to clear it. He says he has now lived there for 2 years. He wants to look to rent his own place again but seems in no hurry to do it, when I ask him if he has been looking, he hasn't and says he will in the new year. He has lived away from home since the age of 20 apart from the last couple of years.
  • Says he has never had a proper relationship. He says hes had flings but nothing ever serious, he says he just never met anyone.
  • Works for a small family business doing the admin/office work and has for a number of years, no ambition of any kind and happy doing this.
  • Admitted he has low self esteem and doesn't seem very confident. I find confidence an attractive trait in men, so this is a bit of a turn off

I am in management, perhaps not on the best salary though, but I have managed to get a deposit together and I have a mortgage on a 1 bed flat, it has been hard on my own. My goal for the next few years would be to meet someone, sell my flat, and buy a small home together to start a family in. My concern would be that he won't have anything to bring to this and I wouldn't want to buy a house with him when I have done all the 'hard work' in saving for my deposit and paying my mortgage whilst he has nothing.

I suppose i'm enjoying getting to know him, but find these things on my mind and not sure if I should continue OLD in the hopes of meeting someone more solvent as I worry I could get into a bad situation starting a family with this person. Don't want to loose anything I have worked hard for but also don't want to lose my chance to have a baby with a nice person I have things in common with and could see potential with.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 23/11/2024 11:06

Nope, don't go there with this one. Somehow, I've ended up giving 3 men the benefit of the doubt who lived with their mother's, over the years, for various reasons. I've come to the conclusion its never a good sign, they all had associated issues. I'd now consider it an immediate red flag and not go there.
Don't let your urge to be a mother cloud your judgement. In fact at least aim for a man who appears caring and is solvent, with decent earnings, in case you find yourself in a situation of being a single parent. Given your time constraints, it's even more important that you nip poor prospects in the bud asap as anything else is wasting your time.

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/11/2024 11:09

I think you already know the answer OP

BobbyBiscuits · 23/11/2024 11:12

He's certainly not procreation material. And if that's your clear solid goal then don't waste your time. Could you imagine him earning enough to match you in the mortgage, can you see him being an inspirational father? I'd say the answer to those would be no.

StormingNorman · 23/11/2024 11:13

It’s a nope from you. You have too many concerns and you sound fundamentally different. He’s happy letting life happen to him and you’re a go-getter.

He will sleepwalk into giving you children, but would you be happy settling for what he can offer?

Will he take over the business at some point? This will be his only shot a career progression.

Opentooffers · 23/11/2024 11:15

FYI, other red flags I've learnt:

Separated but not divorced yet.

History of childhood abuse/ neglect.

Signs of lovebombing - over-attentive and seemingly meeting all your needs too perfectly from the start, liking what you like exactly, giving gifts, just because, then becoming too needy and inquisitive of what your up to on your free time.

ND- OK as long as would be fine with having an ND child, as it's hereditary, so more a consideration under the circumstances this one.

Original poster
MintChocolatexxx · 23/11/2024 11:29

Thanks for your opinions. If he did become pro active and moved out into a rented place, would it still be a red flag to continue getting to know this person?

OP posts:
TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 23/11/2024 11:40

If you're only after a sperm doner then perhaps continue.
If you want a partner then NO.

LegoTherapy · 23/11/2024 11:43

I got to the part where he lives with his parents and thought nope! Then read the rest and thought hell no! Don't let your desperation for a family away you towards unsuitable men.

Waterboatlass · 23/11/2024 12:11

If it was just staying at home very temporarily after 20 years' independence and a trip abroad that would be fine but working in a low grade job in the family business? Why? Why not more responsibility? And why is he still in debt from a trip after 2 years? It doesn't suggest he's very in control of his life to me.

Original poster
MintChocolatexxx · 23/11/2024 12:13

Just to be clear, it isn't even his own family business he works for.

Its disappointing all this because he is the first guy I have met for a while who seems like a genuine, nice person and who seems trustworthy.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2024 12:16

You need a partner, not a project. Give this man the boot now.

Do not self sabotage yourself by saddling yourself to him.

Raise your relationship bar a lot higher because you are settling due to your desperation to have a child. This man is not your last chance saloon.

Uokhunnnn · 23/11/2024 12:22

I think if you have this many doubts early on, it’s a no. If he has no motivation to move out of his parents’ house, progress at work etc, do you really think he’s likely to pull his weight with childcare? Lots of hard-working, solvent women like you end up with useless cocklodgers — don’t end up like this too!

Honestly, having seen the shit men some of my friends ended up with out of desperation to have a baby, if I’d got to about 38 and still wanted to be a mum I’d use donor sperm and go it alone.

SkyGrant · 23/11/2024 12:28

From you very detailed information, I would not go there. Far too many red flags.

Honestly there are plenty for fish in the sea as they say

bloodynaps · 23/11/2024 12:29

Just because you're in a rush as you have all your ducks in row doesn't mean you should rush with anyone taking anything from a table trying to make it work from what's available by that swipe. Don't waste time with anyone. Anytime you waste with people like this because you think you don't have time left, is the time you will steal from other potentials that tick the box and you end up stuck in a dead end relationship regretting that you have settled just because you were in a rush. Please don't waste time and don't give the benefit of a doubt.

bloodynaps · 23/11/2024 12:30

Your time is precious to be open minded

StormingNorman · 23/11/2024 14:01

His lack of proactivity will drive you bonkers. You’ll be back here in a few years moaning that he never plans anything, never takes the kids out, you carry all the mental load, you do 90% of childcare and pay all the bills etc. And you would be justified.

If he isn’t proactive at 39, he’s never going to be. You may force him out of his parent’s house, but you’ll forever be putting rockets up his arse to propel him forward.

Todaywasbetter · 23/11/2024 14:21

You will become his new mum

Bittenonce · 23/11/2024 17:32

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/11/2024 11:09

I think you already know the answer OP

100%
You want a child of your own not a 39 yo one

Original poster
MintChocolatexxx · 23/11/2024 19:07

Hmm it seems everyone is very much of the idea I shouldn't date this man based on what i've said

OP posts:
ElleintheWoods · 23/11/2024 22:03

I’d usually say to ask yourself how does he make you feel, but unfortunately this sounds like a non-starter considering you want kids and by the sounds of it someone that contributes.

There can be valid reasons behind where he is in life right now, and this is the ‘right now’.

However, he doesn’t sound like someone that’s motivated to progress in their career, start a family or pursue other goals. He sounds like someone who is just content and letting life happen to him.

If you’ve noticed this now, it’ll become a bigger issue in the future for you, if these things matter to you.

I’ve recently had to let someone great go for similar reasons, and my heart bleeds, but he knows this, I know this… He probably just wouldn’t understand who you are at the core and things that matter to you.

Waterboatlass · 23/11/2024 22:37

Have you discussed children/ family/ marriage? What are his views on this?

How do you feel about him romantically?

He sounds a bit passive and drifty plus comfortable. If you continue this, will the things you want actually happen?

Janpoppy · 23/11/2024 22:57

I'm usually quite quick to jump on red flags and I think you've received some good comments here that I don't disagree with but to play the devils advocate, the things you've noted might not be absolute deal breakers for me and I'd want to know more. It is true that actions speak louder then words, but understanding peoples motivations is important too.

He is 39 years old and currently lives with parents. He got into debt when travelling a few years back and moved back home to clear it. He says he has now lived there for 2 years. He wants to look to rent his own place again but seems in no hurry to do it, when I ask him if he has been looking, he hasn't and says he will in the new year. He has lived away from home since the age of 20 apart from the last couple of years.

  • how does he get on with his parents?
  • what is the dynamic like with them, loving ? healthy? or unbalanced?
  • what does he think are the benefits of living with his mum and dad?
  • does he want to own his own home?

Says he has never had a proper relationship. He says hes had flings but nothing ever serious, he says he just never met anyone.
Works for a small family business doing the admin/office work and has for a number of years, no ambition of any kind and happy doing this.

  • what motivates him in life?
  • does he see himself having a family?
  • does he want a family, marriage, kids?
  • What is he looking for in a partner?
  • what does he want from life?

Admitted he has low self esteem and doesn't seem very confident. I find confidence an attractive trait in men, so this is a bit of a turn off

  • more detail please! Being able to admit low self-esteem could be a red-flag for wanting you to feel sorry for him, or, he might actually have the inner confidence to be vulnerable about this. Does he show any interest in improving his self-esteem?
  • not having the biggest ego in the room might be a plus! Men who act confident sometimes are the type who need to dominate their partner/children to feel like the biggest man in the room.

Also, most importantly, what does your intuition/gut instinct tell you? Intuition as to whether someone is safe/authentic/genuine is often a better indicator then logical reaoning.

In your shoes, I might get to how him a bit more, and ask me questions without showing my hand, because you don't want him to give you the answers he knows you want.

Also, totally believe you shouldn't give someone too many chances once they show their true colours. If he turns out to be a dud move on quickly.

Lindy2 · 23/11/2024 23:05

You don't seem well matched.

There's nothing wrong with not being career driven and not being a particularly confident personality but he isn't a good match to your ambitions and personality.

I'd also have concerns about how he managed to get into so much debt travelling that 2 years later he still isn't financially stable enough to not be living with his parents. Something sounds off with that story.

Okigen · 23/11/2024 23:22

Nope, he doesn't sound like partner material at all. If you are desperate for a baby, perhaps doing egg freezing or even becoming single mum may be better?

shuggles · 24/11/2024 01:47

@MintChocolatexxx On the topic of him living with parents, the issue with asking this question on mumsnet is that this website is full of wealthy, high earners who are far removed from the realities of financial struggles. Most people would see it as a good thing that he has taken sensible action to try to fix his finances.

It seems this dilemma boils down to the fact that he is a nice man who has little money. But surely him being a nice person is the most important thing. From reading this board, it's clear that there are many people on mumsnet stuck in relationships with high earning men who are complete assholes.