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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i doing something wrong

26 replies

Workingmum89 · 22/11/2024 23:19

My husband loses his temper with me all of the time. This time it's because he wants to change his job again- this will be the third time in the past year. I have a successful job but it is time consuming as in I am out of the house most of the day but make it back for bath time and bedtime with my children. This is constantly thrown in my face that I am never there. Also I have the added pressure of doing well at work to keep my job so my husband can leave yet another job without one to go to. We have a credit card bill yet he still wants to do something else as he isn't completely happy with his current job despite it allowing him to work at home and be there for our children a bit more. He has lost his temper during a discussion about him changing jobs because I am not being helpful and has then gone on to say I don't care about our family and that I don't do anything beneficial other than go to work every day and earn a wage. A wage that has supported our family for years whilst he keeps changing jobs. How much more can I put up with? He is vicious with his words and says the most awful things, points at me, swears at me and demands I listen to him. I'm crying again because we have argued and he doesn't seem bothered. He just says I making him out to be a bullying man as usual. What do I do, how do I get through this? I have to think of our children when all I want to do is take them and leave. Should I be doing more in the house? Should I be being more helpful about him changing jobs again? Should I go to work later and risk my job? Should I rush home every day just so he doesn't get angry? Do I stay quiet about him changing jobs again? I just don't know what to do but I know the whole weekend d is ruined now because he has turned an innocent comment into an argument full of swearing and calling me thick.

OP posts:
SabinaSteele · 22/11/2024 23:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mylovelygreendress · 22/11/2024 23:30

You pack and remove your children from this toxic home .

TPJB · 22/11/2024 23:36

Is this a reverse?

unsync · 22/11/2024 23:43

Listen to your instincts. Take your children and leave, or better still, ask him to leave. As he seems to be nasty, it might be better if you line things up first. Do all the financial preparations, secure documents etc, work out childcare etc and then talk to him. If at any point you feel unsafe, call the police.

TipsyJoker · 23/11/2024 00:03

Don’t tell him to leave because he won’t. Don’t tip him off that you’re ending the relationship if that what you’re going to do. Ending the relationship is the most dangerous time for victims of domestic abuse. And this is domestic abuse because he is calling you names, swearing at you, guilt tripping you, demeaning you, insulting your intelligence, angry and threatening outbursts, etc.

You don’t deserve this and it’s not your fault. Contact women’s aid for advice and support to make an exit plan. Also, have a read of this book. It might help you see what’s happening.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Good luck

why-does-he-do-that.pdf

“This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike…. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting...

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

healthybychristmas · 23/11/2024 00:22

Oh God I would get the hell out of there and take the children with me.

Pinkbonbon · 23/11/2024 00:31

Why the hell would you want to raise kids in a hone where their mum is abused? It's toxic.

It sounds like you can afford to support yourself. Brilliant. Get away from the prick. And put in a cms claim ASAP.

Talk to a divorce solicitor before telling him anything. Find out what you need for a favorable divorce.

andthat · 23/11/2024 01:17

You take them and leave.

They are absorbing all of this toxic atmosphere…..if you csnt leave for you, leave for them.

Janpoppy · 23/11/2024 01:23

Oh dear. The bottom line is you can't even have a normal conversation with this guy because he will throw all the tactics at you to derail the possibility of a proper discussion. If he does this for conversations across all aspects of life you are dealing with coercive control. The person who controls the conversations controls the relationship. He does it because it makes you focussed on catering to him. The Lundy Bancroft book is a great place to start. Please start making plans to get out of this dynamic safely, with support and resources in place.

ScrollingLeaves · 23/11/2024 01:25

She has to think of how to work and look after the children when their school day finishes, and during the holidays, given her working hours. If she were on her own this could be difficult. Her H has at least sometimes had work where he was able to be home more.

Pinkbonbon · 23/11/2024 02:09

ScrollingLeaves · 23/11/2024 01:25

She has to think of how to work and look after the children when their school day finishes, and during the holidays, given her working hours. If she were on her own this could be difficult. Her H has at least sometimes had work where he was able to be home more.

These things are highly relevant if you're just leaving someone because you don't love them anymore. But...not because of abuse.

Yes, it will likely be difficult at times, but anything is better than staying with an abusive partner and rasing children to think this shit is normal.

Sometimes life is a struggle. Any struggle is better than fucking up your children for life.

Op will just have to work it out, like many single parents do.

You don't keep living with the devil because he promises you riches. He will always take ten times more than what he gives.

Tittibits · 23/11/2024 02:15

You are not the problem here. He is gaslighting you to get what he wants. Get rid of the no good lazy fucker ASAP

TipsyJoker · 23/11/2024 09:01

ScrollingLeaves · 23/11/2024 01:25

She has to think of how to work and look after the children when their school day finishes, and during the holidays, given her working hours. If she were on her own this could be difficult. Her H has at least sometimes had work where he was able to be home more.

He’s about to quit that job so who knows what his new hours might be. OP could get a nanny or childminder to pick kids up from school and watch them until she’s home from m work.

Original poster
Workingmum89 · 23/11/2024 22:24

And he strikes again tonight. Apologised this morning, had a lovely day with our children and then the littlest thing has set him off again, I fell asleep when watching TV with him! Something small has turned into something big and I'm crying myself to sleep again because of him. It's not as easy as just leaving, I don't know what to do. If I confront him he turns into an angry bully but if I stay quiet he will continue bullying me. Help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Workingmum89 · 23/11/2024 22:41

TipsyJoker · 23/11/2024 09:01

He’s about to quit that job so who knows what his new hours might be. OP could get a nanny or childminder to pick kids up from school and watch them until she’s home from m work.

Show quote history

I have family but he doesn't get along with them and won't let them look after our children

OP posts:
Original poster
Workingmum89 · 23/11/2024 22:41

Tittibits · 23/11/2024 02:15

You are not the problem here. He is gaslighting you to get what he wants. Get rid of the no good lazy fucker ASAP

Funnily enough he says I'm the gaslighter

OP posts:
Original poster
Workingmum89 · 23/11/2024 22:43

Janpoppy · 23/11/2024 01:23

Oh dear. The bottom line is you can't even have a normal conversation with this guy because he will throw all the tactics at you to derail the possibility of a proper discussion. If he does this for conversations across all aspects of life you are dealing with coercive control. The person who controls the conversations controls the relationship. He does it because it makes you focussed on catering to him. The Lundy Bancroft book is a great place to start. Please start making plans to get out of this dynamic safely, with support and resources in place.

I have to be so careful with what I say, I'm on eggshells all the time in case something I say in any conversation triggers him to lose his temper. I can't have normal conversations with him without him making a negative comment about me or it ending in an argument

OP posts:
Wolframandhart · 23/11/2024 22:49

Just leave him. This is no life.

thaisweetchill · 23/11/2024 22:50

You say he won't allow your family to look after the children... well he won't have any control over that when you leave. He's obviously trying to cause rifts with your family from what you're saying.

I would start looking at getting out.

Janpoppy · 23/11/2024 23:09

Workingmum89 · 23/11/2024 22:43

I have to be so careful with what I say, I'm on eggshells all the time in case something I say in any conversation triggers him to lose his temper. I can't have normal conversations with him without him making a negative comment about me or it ending in an argument

Show quote history

Yes this is very likely coercive control. I'm so sorry you at going through this. It is a form of mental torture. People underestimate how destructive this is.

Below is a video from a series of videos that are really informative.

Noseybookworm · 23/11/2024 23:23

You can't continue to live like this. He is a controlling bully. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in your own home to avoid setting him off. Your children are growing up in this atmosphere!

Get yourself some legal advice and make a plan. You are going to need to arrange some childcare for the children if you work late. Can you juggle work hours to be home a bit earlier if you leave? Please get yourself a plan and leave. You and your children deserve better 💐

Raineys · 23/11/2024 23:33

You and your children are being abused by a house terrorist.

He is a very bad man.
Get advice from Women's aid.
Get legal aid.
Tell your family the truth.

Divorce that lazy nasty pig.
Stop wasting your life away with him.

Tell your family the truth.

Pinkbonbon · 24/11/2024 00:43

Want to know the big secret - he's not abusive because he's angry: he's angry because he's abusive.

By that I mean he is deliberately being angry in order to scare and intimidate you and make you walk on egg shells. It is deliberate and you will never be able to make yourself small enough, quiet enough or unobtrusive enough in order to stop him - because he WANTS to intimidate you. He wants you to feel how you feel.

You have heard it said that abusers love to say 'look what you made me do', well, this is that.

He is pretending that your behavior causes his. It does not.

Once you are out, he can't stop your parents babysitting.

Ps: its standard for abusers to dislike people who have your interests at heart. He probably knows your parents see right through him.

See a solicitor and talk to womens aid and tell your family what is happening. It might seem like a big scary thing right now but you just need to break it down into smaller, manageable steps. And once you know what support is available and how to proceed it'll feel less scary.

TipsyJoker · 24/11/2024 01:29

thaisweetchill · 23/11/2024 22:50

You say he won't allow your family to look after the children... well he won't have any control over that when you leave. He's obviously trying to cause rifts with your family from what you're saying.

I would start looking at getting out.

Exactly. Of course he doesn’t like her family. They’re a support network for her that he wants to destroy. Typical abusive man. And of course he uses the children in all of this. Get out OP. Have your family watch the kids while you work. He won’t be able to stop you if you’re not together.

StormingNorman · 24/11/2024 01:47

Reckon it’s a reverse. OP is the man and the complaining homemaker who can’t stick a job is the woman.

It’s done a good job of highlighting how different the advice is.

Woman high earner with stressful job and long hours: pack your bags and leave the abusive moaning bastard.

Woman whose male partner has a stressful job and long hours: he needs to get home earlier and help you around the house; he’s hiding in the office to avoid school pick ups and all the hard work.