How did your family react when you told them you wanted to be childfree ?

[anissa834]

For context, I was born in London but I come from an African household. I have 6 sisters and 5 brothers. Our boomer and gen x family members are all from nigeria.

My parents have been giving me and 2 of my sisters shit for choosing to be happily childless and they even threaten us to cut us off from their will if we don't plan on starting a family and threaten to disown us.

I am 35 years old. Just like my two single and childless sisters, I have a good career that pays me well enough and I have a decent work life balance overall. I am not wealthy or anything but I live comfortably on my own but in African household, there is no question of wether you want to get married and start a family or not. Getting married, getting knocked up and having kids is just something that all adults do at some point of their lives and it's believed that it's every humans duty to raise the next generation to keep the bloodline going.

Ever since me and my two childfree sisters revealed that we don't want kids, our relationship with our parents have been really tense.

Our dad have a more gentle approach. He always tells us that as a woman, it is your purpose to bring life into the world and raise civilized human beings. This is what god put you on this earth to do and you are betraying the almighty father by running away from your duties.

Our mother as a much stricter approach and tells us that a woman who refuses to bring life into the world is not a real woman and is just a worthless parasite.

It was both funny and offensive at the same time.

They have different approaches but ultimately they share the same opinions.

How did your boomer/gen x parents react when you told them you don't want kids ? What would you do in my situation?

So what if you were infertile? As opposed to being deliberately child free. Would they still judge you so harshly?

I don't know how they would react if I really couldn't have kids.

So EIGHT out of eleven 'children' are having children, and they're pissing and moaning because the other three don't want them. Tell them to get a grip! I have 2 (late 20s - daughters,) and so far they are both saying they are not planning to have children.

So none of mine will have any (possibly.) And I won't have a single grandchild! But it's their life, not mine, and if they never have children, then I will respect their decision to remain child free. I will be a tiny bit sad, but not devastated. If they have children then great. If they don't, that is OK too.

All I can say op is please stick to your own inclinations on this. I wasn’t brought up with these attitudes ( at least only subliminally maybe, in the sense that I didn’t have many childless role models ), so I can imagine how hard it must have been for you to take this stance.

Personally I think far too many babies are brought into this world for the wrong reasons: trying to cement a relationship, curiousity, peer pressure and just plain lack of imagination. When you add to that the fact the world’s resources are under pressure ( and the attendant issue that we don’t know what kind of world awaits future generations) I think we need more people with your mindset.

I love my Dc enormously and for me personally it has been the right thing. HOWEVER they are a huge responsibility and have totally cramped my style in some ways changed my life so that I now see that unless you absolutely KNOW you want them ( that yearning coupled with a clear plan for the practicalities), it’s just not the right decision.

The most ironic thing is when our parents talk about us as kids, they talk about how hard it was to raise all of us and how hard they had to work and how they never got breaks and shit like that.

It’s genuinely hard being a ( good) parent.

You are enough as a single person for who you are, you do not mean more or matter more because you have children.

Your purpose is what you decide it will be, no one else.

You are enough.

My mum was relieved. Told me children are a HUGE responsibility and there are very serious mental health problems in our family so passing on my genes would have been super risky. Enjoy your childfree life. It is YOUR life not theirs.

Well they brought you up in the UK not africa 🤷‍♀️ lots of women are childfree by choice here.

I'm sure they will have more than enough grandchildren that they don't need to worry about any from you and your 2 sisters. Plus you and your sisters can have each other's back 🤣

Luckily I was born in the UK and I have a decent amount of supportive friends who share that same mindset of not having to pop out kids if you don't want to.

There are childfree boards on here for you to use, lots of like minded people there.

If they raise it, turn it around on them- say we know how much you struggled raising 11 children and how hard you said it was so that we don't want any ourselves.

You weren't born to provide grandchildren.

Be happy.

I wonder if part of their reaction is blaming themselves. If you had been brought up in Nigeria I'm guessing it would be less likely that three of you would have opted to be child-free, although the birth rate is falling in Nigeria too, and it's not hard to find articles in which women in Nigeria talk about choosing to be child-free. So it's entirely possible that you would have made the same choice if you'd been born there as here.

You clearly can't have children just to appease your parents, so they'll have to get over themselves. You decide your life's purpose, nobody else. Your mum's comments seem to be rooted in a deep internalised misogyny. I hope she's able to come to terms with your decision as it must be upsetting for you to hear.

Sounds a bit like 'I had to do it all, so therefore you should too' vibes.

Maybe it's partly to do with them being a bit envious you actually have a choice with less pressure than they did.

My mum said she thought we were doing the right thing as the world is a shit place.

You don't need me to tell you that your life is for you to lead in whichever way you choose!
But it must be really hurtful that your parents express such judgement. I'm glad you are not the only one of your siblings in this situation. How do your other siblings (the ones with children) react to the opinions of your parents? Do they support and stick up for you 3?
As your parents are expressing opinions based on their own cultural and religious upbringing, are there people they respect with a shared background who don't share this extreme judgement that you could seek advice from? I mean, I'm assuming you want a relationship with your parents but with love and acceptance.
Ultimately if my parents voiced such negativity towards me and my life choices, I wouldn't want to keep a close relationship with them.

I apologise, for offering advice when you didn't ask for it.

They should be grateful. Imagine buying gifts for that many grandkids or even babysitting. I bet you've had enough of kids having that many siblings plus nieces and nephews.

I don't have any nieces and nephews and my siblings are 38 and 41. I wish my kids had cousins but that's how it is.

What does your parents culture think to women that can't have kids?

Sorry you're experiencing this. I hope they come round.

I think it can be a bit deeper than that. I think some people genuinely see the whole reproductive thing as the very point of existence and in fairness that’s probably a hard mindset to break away from.

Since you’re asking for others’ experiences… No, mine didn’t really take it well! I tend to stay away from the topic as much as possible, and also make them aware of things like the health risks I personally carry, poverty risks and cost of childcare.

However it doesn’t sound like your parents would be open to listening.

Grandchildren to some people seem to be like designer bags or puppies, they want to meet up with their mates and gloat about them and show pictures. So lack of grandchildren = lack of status. I don’t understand how otherwise quite sensible people don’t see how selfish asking their child to make a lifetime commitment so they can show off to their mates. Can’t they find self esteem and worth in other ways/ look inside themselves and see what’s really lacking?

How this kind of discourse is acceptable i really don’t know and I think Christmas will be funny as my extended family are possibly worse. I’m thinking of some disarming and equally socially awkward replies.

I never told mine, it was just obvious as I got older and no babies appeared.

Sad for my DM as I am an only child but she has had many surrogate GCs over the years.

I think mine would have been ok with one of us (3) but v disappointed had they had no grandchildren.

If they keep this up I’d claim early menopause: I think they’re likely to simmer down once they accept the ship’s sailed. Also, if you enjoy your nieces and nephews I’d point out your important role there in supporting the next generation.

I grew up in a conservative Christian family in the U.S. and they believe the same although I’ve never discussed it with them. Fortunately I have a sister and cousin who have made the same decision so I’m not alone 😆. We all just avoid the conversation and now there are so many of the next generation that it doesn’t matter. It sounds like they want to control you, and your reproductive choices, while they still can. Let them threaten all they want.

There was no announcement in adulthood, although throughout my own childhood I had declared my intention never to have children. My parents showed no sign of minding.

When my sister was pregnant, their reaction was one of mild interest - sadly, she lost her baby and wasn't able to conceive another - no huge reaction to this from the parents other than concern for her welfare.

MIL would have liked a grandchild, but she's never gone on about it - when I met DH he was in his 40s so she probably knew the ship had more or less sailed.

It's so much more common than it used to be. My parents definitely wanted grandchildren but so did I - it wasn't about providing them with grandchildren. My brother didn't want them and all my dad said was to try as much as possible think as his 50 or 60 year old self and whether he might regret it and if he couldn't see that happening then it was the right decision.

One doesn't need an excuse not to have children - it doesn't need to be about the way that the world is today or anything like that. My brother and his wife enjoy their lifestyle and that's a good enough reason. They love being an uncle and aunt and are bloody good in that role.