How did your family react when you told them you wanted to be childfree ?

[anissa834]

For context, I was born in London but I come from an African household. I have 6 sisters and 5 brothers. Our boomer and gen x family members are all from nigeria.

My parents have been giving me and 2 of my sisters shit for choosing to be happily childless and they even threaten us to cut us off from their will if we don't plan on starting a family and threaten to disown us.

I am 35 years old. Just like my two single and childless sisters, I have a good career that pays me well enough and I have a decent work life balance overall. I am not wealthy or anything but I live comfortably on my own but in African household, there is no question of wether you want to get married and start a family or not. Getting married, getting knocked up and having kids is just something that all adults do at some point of their lives and it's believed that it's every humans duty to raise the next generation to keep the bloodline going.

Ever since me and my two childfree sisters revealed that we don't want kids, our relationship with our parents have been really tense.

Our dad have a more gentle approach. He always tells us that as a woman, it is your purpose to bring life into the world and raise civilized human beings. This is what god put you on this earth to do and you are betraying the almighty father by running away from your duties.

Our mother as a much stricter approach and tells us that a woman who refuses to bring life into the world is not a real woman and is just a worthless parasite.

It was both funny and offensive at the same time.

They have different approaches but ultimately they share the same opinions.

How did your boomer/gen x parents react when you told them you don't want kids ? What would you do in my situation?

I think we’ve got a long way to come in society before there is no reaction to couples choosing to be childless, people will always have opinions on the number of children you have, my mother has gone from saying it’s about time you had one to don’t have anymore (I’ve got 2).

Being childfree is very stigmatized in the usa. Look at Matt Walsh, look at Candace Owens, bin Shapiro for example. Even worst, look at JD Vence. Lol.

They stick up for me and my siblings also ignore my parents. Luckily they have a "I don't care attitude" just like me.

Never told them, as it's none of their business. I have never discussed my reproductive choices with any family or friends and most people have never asked. It is private, OP, and should stay that way.

That's good to hear.
Your parents' attitude - especially the direct criticism is far from "normal" / typical

Unfortunately it's normal in African families. Older Africans expect you to do what they did. They refuse to break away from patriarchy.

It's probably both a generational and cultural thing. So will be doubly difficult to overcome.

You could either argue with them (probably not recommended!) - it sounds like there might be a religious aspect to it, God putting you on the earth to have children etc - you possibly could counter with the fact that God's earth is quite severely overpopulated and not doing well ecologically as a result. Do they think Lagos is doing well with its population explosion, pollution etc? Do they think that its easy to see a GP here or a short wait for an operation?

Or you could casually make comments in the same vein as they do. They seem to have no problem saying quite punchy things - you could tell them to "get with the times and move your thinking into the right century". Or re the talk of disinheritance - "how could you treat your own child this way, when you think children are so important?"

Or you could brush it off as: Let's see how things go. I personally would go with this option and not enter into the discussion. Their views are entrenched.

It's your body, your life and so it's your choice. Your parents can go on all they like but it won't change anything so they'll eventually just accept it.

My parents always told us that having children was a choice and they were not obligatory. There was no pressure whatsoever to reproduce.

Op do you help out with other children in your family? Not that I'm suggesting you should, but if you do whether you could reframe the role as being 'part of the village'. As that is a big difference raising children in the UK compared to raising children in countries where there are stronger community bonds.

I chose not to have children but my parents were very negative about the experience of raising children, and after I reminded them of that enough times they stopped talking about it. As for them it wasn't a 'i sacrificed for you but it was worth it' message it was a message of regret and resentment. So I pretty much shamed them that I wasn't going to make the same mistakes they did, and if they didn't like it they had to think about their own responsibility in me growing up with that impression. Not my proudest moment really, but after trying to be more subtle about it that's the route I went and they went quiet.

I do babysit occasionally but we plan way in advance. I got my own life too so my married sisters know that they can't just drop off their kids last minute at my doorstep like you hear on reddit.

I never deliberately made it a point to tell anyone and if some people asked me about it I don't remember. I remember vaguely telling my mom. A preschool aged child who was in my home day care asked me why I don't have kids. The mom was present and tried to hush the child but I said it's okay.

I've never discussed it. My mum just said 'I thought you just didn't want kids are you're living such a wonderful life'.