Getting over a seriously addictive crush - help please!

[OneNavyOtter]

Any tips on how to get over an old crush that’s reappeared after a long time?

Guy I used to know, had a crush on, always thought he might have feelings for me but at the time I was going out with someone who he knew too, so it was a road we never went down.
He’s back in my life, just coincidentally, just turned up in my town after 10 years and I now can’t avoid seeing him pretty much every day. Neither of us make much effort to chat unless it’s unavoidable but there’s little looks, you know when you know someone is there and you can’t help looking to see if they’re looking? And he usually is, because I am, I suppose! So it’s distant eye contact mostly with occasional small talk.

Fine, all above board, we’re both married so nothing overtly inappropriate has happened.

But the trouble is that I can’t stop bloody thinking about him! Day and night, he’s in my head. I’m busy, I have kids and a job and a whole load of stuff going on that I’m not able to concentrate on because my mind wanders to him whenever it can. I wake up and think about him. I fantasise that I tell him how I feel and we have a clandestine affair. I won’t, btw, I wouldn’t do that. FYI, my marriage is pretty dull! I’ve had the chat with DH about unhappiness and he kind of pepped himself up a bit but I still put all the effort in to keeping us from stagnating completely. So that’s obviously why I’m obsessing over this old crush.

I just don’t want this in my head. I want him out of my life again and just now unfortunately that’s impossible. For the next couple of years, but even then I think I’ll probably bump into him around the place from time to time which I’m worried will just reignite these feelings. Forever! Unless I move towns! What if I never get over him? Do I have to feel this sad forever, like I’ve lost some amazing love I never even had?

Has anyone got any strategies or suggestions for how to control my thoughts and focus on real life?

Or do I just go with the fantasy, let it control me for a bit and hope that it runs its course until I lose interest?!

Please don’t give me a slating and tell me to get a life, I’m not here for pity, just practical help. If anyone has any. Please? I feel like I’m losing my sanity.

Have a fling. You only live once. And hope it doesn't end in tears. Alas it often does.

Look up the term ‘limerence’. It might make you start to understand your feelings and put them into perspective a little!

This is not a good plan 😆

@Viviennemary that made me lol, it really did. Still chuckling. I love it …. fuck it, just shag the guy 😂😂😂

(I won’t btw before I get any lectures !)
@2ndMrsdeWinter ok, thanks, I’ll have a browse of that. I’ve heard of it vaguely. Thanks so much for the reply. Appreciated.

Aaag it’s tricky. How about leaning into more of a friendship with him and trying to make it a bit more ordinary and less furtive? Or do you think that will ignite the feelings?

I had a couple of crushes when I was younger that evolved into really nice friendships over time as I got to know them more and accepted it as that.

In sympathy though - I also had a crush that never completely left me and occasionally I see them, although it stopped having such a hold on me - and I’ve always had this feeling that we could have had a relationship if the timing/context had been different. I’ve sort of accepted it… ie that life is kind of like that and it’s no one’s fault. But I’m happy that our paths cross occasionally and in a funny way something in my soul was ignited by that crush - ie it’s not all bad.

whatever you do, don’t beat urself up about it, you’re human.

@bittersweeeeeet yeah I mean I do love talking with him, we were always of a similar mind, so I’d love to have him as a friend just so I could keep him in my life. Trouble is, I’m finding that so far, the times that we do have a chat seem to fan the flames too much, and I go down the rabbit hole of secretly mooning around in a stupid fantasy world for days after each time we talk. If I successfully avoid him for a couple of weeks, it seems easier to not think about him quite so much. Still too much, but not as much. So I think the best thing would be to not see him ever again, ideally.

Totally get your feeling of the crush you never quite got over - exactly how I feel about this guy. I keep thinking - If timings had been different, if I’d left the guy I was with and taken a shot with crush guy years ago…we could be in some perfect life together… it’s all so pointless and a waste of time, that’s what bugs me.
It shouldn’t even be a problem that I should be talking about, it’s so dumb. People have actual real problems compared to this. That’s why I’m on here, I can’t admit to this to anyone face to face! Thank you so much for replying. It helps to have opinions and go through possibilities to help deal with this and hopefully put it behind me sooner rather than later.

Every time you think of him imagine approaching him and him being horrified and rejecting you. Imagine your DH finding out how you feel. Imagine telling your DC you're breaking up the family.

Those things might help.

@Apileofballyhoo yep they really do. All those things are absolutely right. I won’t ever actually do anything about trying to make this crush a real thing. Imagine he went for it and 2 families were torn apart. I couldn’t live with the guilt. I just want to calm my head and stop the thoughts.

He doesn't sound interested from what you've said!

There are so many of these threads on MN, and the truth is you can't do anything except ride it out and it'll disappear eventually, like crushes do.

Perhaps we're living in an 'instant' world now, where people want something and they want it right now, like an end to this crush.

Impossible 🤷‍♂️

I think it’s hard when the person is kept at a distance, you don’t get to see their faults. Once you have some conversations with him you might learn he doesn’t mow is own lawn, collects taxidermy etc etc and he won’t be desirable to you anymore.

Jesus, OP, breathe. He’s an old flame who showed up again recently. Calm down about it all. The feelings will fade eventually.

(Though unless your town consists of about ten people, I don’t see why you inevitably see him daily…)

Stop looking to see if he’s looking. Imagine him with a greasy mullet.

@TheMaenads my favourite yet - Jesus OP breathe. 😅 I’m so going to say that to myself as a reminder. Not kidding, I actually am.
It’s been going on for over a year. His kids started at my kids school.

Thanks for all the replies, they’re all useful reminders that I do know somewhere in the logical part of my brain. Just good to see them in black and white. I can do this.

Don’t look.
He’s not perfect.
He is married with kids.
So am I.
He isn’t interested.
Even if he is, I’m not because I don’t want to destroy my family.

MN is showing me a little list of these type of posts now. Good reads. And quite comforting to know that loads of people seem to go through this.

Off for another pep talk to the DH. Get his unromantic butt kicked back into gear 🙄

We tend to start imagining a passionate perfect partner in a crush don't we? Daydreaming about this and that. I did it once. Actually got with him. He was nothing like I thought. He was a secret addict with money issues and no family or friends ds due to years of being shit!

When I had a crush on a married man, one of the things that helped was thinking about his wedding/wedding day - he and his wife making their vows in front of their families and friends, about their wedding photos being very likely to be on the wall of their home, about them eating dinner together, sleeping together, being intimate, about them having their children and bringing them home from hospital and raising them together. About them socialising with their respective parents and families. About everything that makes them life partners, a couple, parents etc.

He's taken. He's got a life partner. It's the essence of his life.

I'd also think about how much people gossip and what people around school & town would think of me if I was caught flirting or worse cheating with a married man who's a Dad of kids at the school.
Women always get judged more harshly than men ... because people always give men the copout of being led by their dicks. They don't give women the cop out of being led by their fannies. They get judged and called slappers, home wreckers, bitches etc.
Everyone would see you as predatory/a slapper ..and a risk around their partners (whether you were or not).

You would be gossiped about and probably ostracised. Your child/ren could then suffer from the ostracism... Because parents wouldn't be socialising with or interacting with you normally. That certainly matters at my child's young age, it might not matter as much after your kids ages but still .... It's never good for kids if their parents are being gossiped about or thought badly of or ostracised.

I'd also think about the pain any emotional or sexual involvement with a married man would cause his presumably harmless, nice wife (as his wife is in my case, she seems like a genuinely nice person). Would you want to be the sort of person who shits on and causes pain to a nice person who's done you no harm. I know her spouse has more responsibility but ... If he wants to do that to her, it can be with someone else, it doesn't have to be with you/you don't have to be that person. Would you not rather be proud of your behaviour in life, than acting shittily and making excuses.

Look at what is really the issue. Is it your marriage? Marriage is a long haul and can be an effort. Everyone’s heads turns sometimes. I’ve been there. Maybe consider therapy to look at how you’re feeling. If you got to know him he’d probably be disappointing!

If speaking to him fans the flames then avoid him. Just ensure you are not in the same proximity and if its a school gate thing don't engage, make sure you are a good distance away or chatting to others. Try not to resurrect past feelings by day dreaming or fantasising, you are only feeding the crush. And yes, limerence, read up on that. Kill any thoughts about him by swatting them away imediately. As pps have said your marriage needs to be reignited so make that a project if you can!

You're probably mostly fantasising about someone being nice to you, interested in you, laughing with you, desiring you, romantic towards you, seeing you as you rather than DM or DW. This bloke is just the image you've chosen for that.

How are things with DH?

If you have an opportunity to meet his wife would that help? One of my most intense past crushes vanished when he started dating a good friend of mine. Not saying move in too fast and close and become besties, but if you have the chance for a chat at the school gates, might that sort your head out a bit?

I’m in a happy relationship and there are still one or two past crushes who I have a wistful ‘what-if’ over from time to time, but because I wouldn’t change my current situation for the world it’s easy to shrug those moments off. If you’re dissatisfied with your current relationship at the moment I can imagine the same kind of fleeting thoughts could grow into something that seems a lot more significant. So rekindling something on the home front is probably your most effective strategy. If your DH is unromantic is there something else that makes you feel bonded and together, like a shared non-household activity or the classic old making time for date nights?

@Werp
I’ve spoken to his wife once or twice, and I do think of them as a presumably happily married couple and their kids are so cute that I really really don’t want to get in the way of that.
I’ve avoided him fairly successfully recently, occasionally we end up in the same bit of playground unavoidably and have a slightly awkward chat. I think he might be in the same boat actually, he’s taken to giving me knowing smiles from a distance if we make eye contact. (I can’t help looking, I really try hard not to but I know he’s there). All we have to do is continue to not act upon any feelings for the next year or so then he’ll just fade into memory again.
Unsatisfying marriage is definitely an issue. Lazy husband. I love sex and seem to have married a man who doesn’t. If I don’t initiate it we’d never ever do it. I know that because after 2nd child we went 9 years without doing it. Before having kids it had become an issue. When we do have sex it’s nice, but it’s that feeling of he’s just doing it because I told him I wasn’t happy.
So a good looking man who may or may not be interested, who may or may not be an absolute shit who’s quite possibly cheated on his wife already for all I know, who I don’t actually see a future with… yep I know all that and the temptation to put myself in his line of sight and make it clear that I’m interested is huge. Just to feel like a wanted attractive sexual human again instead of a chore, a necessity.
Or maybe that’s marriage in your forties and I’m expecting way too much.
I’m staying strong, but oh my god it’s so hard to be good.

🤮you’re disgusting

He’s married. My bet is it’s all in your head, and you’ll make a complete fool of yourself, so saying “it’s so hard to be good” doesn’t mean much, because when someone has a crush they find it hard to engage with the fact it’s likely one sided, as that spoils the fantasy. Just grow up. I feel sorry for his wife, but I doubt I need to, as she has him- not you. Clearly you think you are irresistible, if he’s getting the attention at home, he’s likely content, most wouldn’t ruin that for a quick shag, plenty do of course, but stop romanticising it, you’re not 15

Or maybe that’s marriage in your forties and I’m expecting way too much

I don't think that's just marriage in your 40s or you're expecting too much.

I think most men would be happy to have regular sex with their partner.

It seems like you h has been like this for years so it's a "him" issue, and perhaps unlikely to change. I guess your two ethical choices are to suggest an open relationship (tricky) or separate. You probably don't want to do the latter due to kids.