Getting over a seriously addictive crush - help please!

[OneNavyOtter]

Any tips on how to get over an old crush that’s reappeared after a long time?

Guy I used to know, had a crush on, always thought he might have feelings for me but at the time I was going out with someone who he knew too, so it was a road we never went down.
He’s back in my life, just coincidentally, just turned up in my town after 10 years and I now can’t avoid seeing him pretty much every day. Neither of us make much effort to chat unless it’s unavoidable but there’s little looks, you know when you know someone is there and you can’t help looking to see if they’re looking? And he usually is, because I am, I suppose! So it’s distant eye contact mostly with occasional small talk.

Fine, all above board, we’re both married so nothing overtly inappropriate has happened.

But the trouble is that I can’t stop bloody thinking about him! Day and night, he’s in my head. I’m busy, I have kids and a job and a whole load of stuff going on that I’m not able to concentrate on because my mind wanders to him whenever it can. I wake up and think about him. I fantasise that I tell him how I feel and we have a clandestine affair. I won’t, btw, I wouldn’t do that. FYI, my marriage is pretty dull! I’ve had the chat with DH about unhappiness and he kind of pepped himself up a bit but I still put all the effort in to keeping us from stagnating completely. So that’s obviously why I’m obsessing over this old crush.

I just don’t want this in my head. I want him out of my life again and just now unfortunately that’s impossible. For the next couple of years, but even then I think I’ll probably bump into him around the place from time to time which I’m worried will just reignite these feelings. Forever! Unless I move towns! What if I never get over him? Do I have to feel this sad forever, like I’ve lost some amazing love I never even had?

Has anyone got any strategies or suggestions for how to control my thoughts and focus on real life?

Or do I just go with the fantasy, let it control me for a bit and hope that it runs its course until I lose interest?!

Please don’t give me a slating and tell me to get a life, I’m not here for pity, just practical help. If anyone has any. Please? I feel like I’m losing my sanity.

I don’t want to separate, and definitely don’t want an open marriage, that’s icky. I’d like a happy marriage and for this crush not to exist.
Had a talk with myself and am back in a place where I’m able to consciously avoid this man, tricky though it is.

But @Jazzjazzjazz what’s up with a bit of romanticising now and again, as long as you keep a handle on it?! I’m not going to do anything about this guy, and if he’s got a wandering eye then I feel sorry for his missus too. For the record, I’m certainly not irresistible and don’t see myself that way. The exact opposite, I’m nothing much to write home about. You’re quite correct though that I’m not 15, I’m in my 40s and therefore should be able to keep a better handle on this situation than I temporarily did there for a bit.

I just fell off the ignore-the-crush wagon.

Time to button it all down, throw myself back into all the distractions of normal life and wait for these feelings to pass. They will.

Ok, sorry I was so harsh with you

9 years is a really long time.
In anyone’s life.
Your husband hasn’t been doing enough to keep you happy or well bedded or the centre of the attention you need in a relationship.
This guy is a catalyst but the holes in your marriage are the problem.

he’s taken to giving me knowing smiles from a distance if we make eye contact. (I can’t help looking, I really try hard not to but I know he’s there)

Ew this just sounds like he really fancies himself and is kind of saying 'I know you like me, I know you want me' and it would really put me off.

How do you know he doesn't give 'knowing smiles' to other women too?

He sounds like a wrong un.
I bet his wife is really nice and he's just behaving like a total prick eyeing up other women and making everyone think their marriage must be failing.
I bet it isn't.

I do agree, guys who give “the look” and the “knowing smiles” are in my experience players, who reel in lots of women, all who think they have a special connection. I dated one, and he was the biggest player going, and there was me thinking I meant the world to him 🤣 I no longer see this cocky confidence as remotely attractive as I believe it speaks volumes about a man, and they generally don’t reserve it for one woman

@Jazzjazzjazz i think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. I think he is a player.
It really helps to think of him as less than perfect. Thank you.
My husband isn’t awful, we get along just fine mostly, I don’t expect marriage to be all wine and roses. I have talked to him about the physical element and he does his duty … it’s just not very romantic feeling like that he’s only doing it because I want to! I just need to focus on what’s good about him and try to help him improve on what’s not. Because of course it’s him that needs to be better at being married, not me… I’m perfect 😉

I hope if anyone is reading these comments in a similar situation, it might help a bit or provide some sort of comfort. It’s been a really crappy year and a half since this chap showed up.

Also, no need to apologise for being harsh. I was expecting a bit of a drubbing, and it helps to be hear harsh, direct opinions.

If anyone else in a similar situation reads this thread, here’s some things which helped, and are still helping me.

A little trick I did if my wandered to my crush guy at night and stopped me sleeping - think of 3 negative words for each letter of his name. So if his name is John then I’d think of jerk, jumped up, jealous. Dumb but helped a bit.

Remind myself that it’s only a crush on my part. If it was anything else it would be a relationship or there would be positive signs that it was going to become a relationship.

If on the off chance something did happen would it be worth messing up my kids lives, my life and my marriage. What do I want more. In the long term.

Stay really focussed and determined to avoid being physically near your crush if it’s difficult to then control your feelings.

If you can’t avoid him, then remember he’s just a normal, unremarkable human who isn’t worth getting worked up about. Talk to him as a colleague, friend, whatever. If your’re single and hoping something will happen, if he’s interested, he’ll let you know. If he isn’t, then at least you can try to accept that, move on and function as a normal human around him. I have to talk to this guy now and again and it’s just starting to get to the point where my heart isn’t racing. I don’t care now whether he’s interested or not, I’ve chosen my family.

Force your mind to concentrate on all the other more important stuff in your life. I struggle with this, it takes massive willpower but I feel so positive when I successfully focus on work, family, hobbies. Don’t beat yourself up if you fall back into fantasising about him, just try again.

Take up a new interest, do exercise you enjoy, whatever might work. I signed up for an online college course. Even just sticking on a podcast helps stop the obsessive thoughts.

It’ll take time, 18 months for me and I’m just starting to feel like I’m regaining control of my thoughts. Light at the end of the tunnel and all that.