Want to look after number 1, Should I Leave?

[Janeyboo198]

Hi all,

Has anyone ever left a relationship because they realised life would be much easier if you did? Or am I being selfish.

I’ve been in my relationship for 5 years now and after being a single parent it was great living with someone again, not to feel lonely and share days out etc with.

But I realise now I’m exhausted and I know it would much easier alone, I’m thinking of moving out.

I have 2 children, partner has a son who stays 4/ 5 nights a week. He’s started taking him to his hobby 3 nights a week and once on a Saturday over the course of the last year, so I do 2/3 lots of dinners, my 2, then either warming up stepsons tea or putting it in as they’re on the way home, then doing ours, or if it’s something we all like, plating up at 8pm. Three times a week. No lie ins as they’re out on a Sat morning getting ready in our bedroom and partner is out all day from 8am Sunday and I look after stepson all day and my 2. Then I’ll take them all out or stay home as it’s easier sometimes and costs me a lot each week.

Partners hours have been cut so I’m paying most of the bills and food shopping. I work full time.

To top it off partner has restless leg syndrome so I get a restless nights sleep I’m worn out! Asleep at 10 most nights which has caused problems with intimacy. Partner is constantly in a mood because of it and had another outburst at me because of it today and made me cry because I had to get up to do stepsons packed lunch at 6 and help my son get dressed for school (he’s autistic) to start work at 8. He wanted an extra 10 mins in bed with me, I avoided it because his attitude is pushing me away on top of everything I have to do
Id have been late. He’s not even sorry, he was pretty horrible to me.

Keep idealising leaving so I can have an easier time without someone having a go at me all the time and have more money so I can save again (most of my savings are gone from looking after the 5 of us) and I can just be happy and spend proper time just the three of us again. Does everyone else have these thoughts?

Who owns the house?

Why isn't he doing his own and stepsons dinners and packed lunches?

If this is genuine, I can't comprehend why you are financing someone else and their child?

It’s joint and yes it’s genuine. Things have taken a turn, my partner was earning more than me in the beginning, things are just hard financially at the moment, I guess that makes me selfish. It’s just the constant stress of feeling like I’m giving my all but I’m getting a lot of grief most days .

What are you doing? It's not as if you are married. Don't do any caring for his son on a Sunday. If he's out all day, his son should be with his mother - the other carer, not you. Why are you cooking for them? You are being a total mug.

You can leave a relationship for whatever reason you choose and not being happy is a very valid reason.

Yes split up. If you know, then you know.

Why would you stay with this moody, angry, cock-lodger who's palmed off his DS onto you?

You're not being selfish, he's taking the piss. I'd leave too. He can look after his own child rather than leaving it all to you.

I'm surprised you are still with him, to be honest.

It sounds like you are in my head, no advice other than do it, been stuck in this for years and it doesn't change, I just don't have the bottle to leave. But if you do, do it.

It sounds like both of you are more focussed on the dc than each other. Which is entirely the right thing to be doing. Raising kids is tough, and it always puts a strain on a relationship, that's completely normal. From what you've written it doesn't sound like your dp is the problem, more that he's busy taking your dad to his hobby, you seem a bit resentful that dss is getting so much of his time. Not clear if you share the other dc with dp or if he's their step dad? For a blender family to work both parents need to be treating all the kids equally (which my we'll be the case here, unclear).

I think raising 3 kids will (should) always be easier with 2 resident parents than being a single parent though, so I can't see how leaving will mean you looking after number one. Unless you mean leaving by yourself, and all the kids stay with him??

And when he was earning more, did he pay more of the bills than you? If so, you're being pretty selfish to then not support him in a downturn. If he didn't, then he's treating you like a mug.

Why live together if you don't have children together, have a relationship and live apart. And stop packing his sons lunch, not your responsibility.

Surely he should be doing more at home if his hours have been cut? How come you're getting up to do packed lunches and he isn't?

I'm not surprised you're getting fed of up of living with him if he's just creating a shit ton more work for you rather than taking a fair share of the load.

Not so much resentful of the their time together, I guess just impact it has on me with the extra work it takes for me and taking time away from my kids by hanging around three nights a week to do dinners. Washing all the extra kit, getting up early to do packed lunch. I’ve left it for my partner before now and it doesn’t get done til he’s leaving the house and my partner gets funny with me if I don’t do it, he made a comment saying if it was one of my kids it would be done. I think it’s just the lack of respect I get.

Not just this, other niggly things like he’s started smoking in the house, asked him to smoke outside but he hasn’t. He has to sleep with fans on and windows open so I don’t get a good sleep. I think it’s all just lack of care on his part.

My sons struggling and needs me
on a night. And I guess a never being able to have a lie in on a weekend because he brings dss into our room to get ready, opens curtains at half 7am. Then I do drop off to Nan on a Sunday.

2 of the children are mine so it would be us leaving, it’s not their biological dad. I love my partner and ss so would be hard but I’m so fed up.

I paid half before. Fully agree I should support him in his downturn which I’m more than happy to do.

Think it’s the nitpicking, I went food shopping the other day and he was like really, you’ve got pasta for dinner? If it was me I’d be getting something decent and put thought into it. These comments are making me think, really?

You're not married and you don't share any children. I'd be out the door.

The comments he is making are really horrible. Don’t stay and put up with it.

yes if it was your child the packed lunch would be made, because they are yours. He can choose to make the same effort for his son, but chooses not to.

as for the pasta, as someone not working he should have all the time in the world to be shopping, why are you doing it all?

just leave, he sounds awful!

"... never being able to have a lie in on a weekend because he brings dss into our room to get ready, opens curtains at half 7am."
What is going on here? Why is he waking you on Saturday when there is no need? They should be getting ready in the living room and leaving everyone else in the house in peace! Between that and the starting smoking in the house -Is he punishing you? Because it really sounds like it. as in 'My hours have been cut, I feel emasculated by that, I'll make Janeyboo miserable because I can'. A sort of combination of Misery Loves Company (so make those around you miserable too) and what my dad used to call Kick The Cat Syndrome.

"No lie ins as they’re out on a Sat morning getting ready in our bedroom and partner is out all day from 8am Sunday and I look after stepson all day and my 2. "
Where is he on Sundays? Because if it's not work, he needs to knock it on the head. And stepson needs to be with his other parent, because he's not 'with' his dad on Sundays, is he? Contact is contact with the child's parent, not the child's parent's partner.

"Then I do drop off to Nan on a Sunday."
That drop-off should happen on Saturdays, and be done by him.

I don't think you're being selfish. Someone is, and it's not you.

Tbh him smoking in the house when there are children would be a dealbreaker for me.

It sounds like as soon as he's got his feet under the table he's decided you're the skivvy and he can do wtf he likes

Thanks for the replies. I try and speak to him about all of this and he completely shuts me down or just says ‘yeah ok then’ and dismisses what I’m saying or tells me to go away or shut up, just making me feel like I’m nothing. So yeah I think I’m being punished.

He does golf and then the pub all day/night on a Sunday but when I’ve asked him to come home earlier as it’s not right he’s out while his sons here, he gets his own mum involved and she’s more than happy to pick him up and he stays with her til he goes home to his mum and I’m made to feel bad like I don’t want him here and I get berated for it, I can’t win really.

Oh no. Your last post says it all.

This is not a relationship in the usual sense of the word. This is a one- way arrangement that works well for him, at your expense. To put it bluntly, he is using you, and he is using tactics to keep you in a position that works for him. He doesn't actually care about your feelings or experience in the dynamic. You need to leave.

In your situation I would be gone straight away; he’s taking the piss to be honest.

I’m sorry about what’s happened
tell him the arrangement isn’t working for you, you’ve made your decision
dont let him change your mind

It sounds like he is using you as unpaid child care, chef, domestic servant etc. you shouldn’t be left caring for his child while he swans around playing golf or at the pub. You now have it harder than when you were a single parent. You know this I think and know what you need to do. He is shutting you down because this suits him and he doesn’t want to change.